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First love back in contact

(44 Posts)
HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 01:32:56

I don't really know what I am expecting from posting on here tbh, I guess I just need to tell someone.

Ok, here it is, When I was 14 I started going out with this lad in my year and I ended up losing my virginity to him, i really liked him but tbh the reason I slept with him is because i felt as though i should, I know it's cliche but all my friends were doing it and i just wanted to fit, in, i was badly bullied and would have done anything to fit in.
Any way, My friends then decided he was a geek and so I dumped him and was quite nasty to him
But the truth is, he was really lovely and I loved him, I had so much going on at the time, we had just had a close family bereavement and I found it hard coping.
Over the years I have regretted so much the way I treated him, and missed him a lot too, always imagined him married with kids, because he was just that kind of respectful guy.

Recently I found out that one of my friends was still in contact with him, and so asked him to pass a message on, and a week later he had looked me up via a popular networking site and sent me an email.

But now I don't know what to feel, I have apologised and told him what i felt like, and he said that he knew deep down that I didn't mean it when i dumped him, I guess I kind of wish he had saved me from what was to come.

The problem is he has a gf, he lives with her but has said that he doesnt want to get married or have children or anything like that with her.

I know i should be backing off right now but I don't think I ever stopped loving or missing him, and him telling me when he went to bed that he cant wait to catch up anmf will be thinking of me has really stirred my heart up.

I just need some tough MN love please

BitOfFun Thu 30-Jul-09 01:42:22

FGS, 14?!!

Get a grip woman.

HolyGuacamole Thu 30-Jul-09 01:48:11

Well, you just need to look at the threads on here from women who are devastated at finding out their DH/partner is secretly in contact with/having an affair (emotional or otherwise) an ex, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being in contact with an ex, but if it is a secret and if you are harbouring these feelings, then that could cause you more trouble than it is worth.

If he is being honest that he doesn't see a future with his current partner (and by the way, they all say that) then he will leave her and he will leave on his own accord, his decision, not prompted by getting involved with someone else. And to be a bit more harsh - if he doesn't see a future with his GF, he should be telling that to her.....and not confiding in you.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Mumcentreplus Thu 30-Jul-09 01:50:43

<<Throws cup of Camomile Tea on her!>>...lady Behave..are you nuts?..

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 01:55:42

I need to stop thinking about what could have been, he is the only bf i had that treated me like a princess.

<slaps self around face>

Ok, I am going to just cut contact, I don't want to test whether I can control my feelings or not.

I just have always felt like none of my other partners have ever compared to him

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 01:57:17

That does sound stupid considering I was 14/15 at the time, it was 8 years ago, so it's not like I am 40 still pining over him.

But it still needs to stop.

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 08:31:22

I am starting to wish I never bothered passing on a message, I have been walking around feeling as though i have been dumped.

foofi Thu 30-Jul-09 08:47:51

You don't say whether you are currently in a relationship? If not I don't see what harm it would do to get in touch. Ok, he does have a girlfriend, but if he doesn't want to marry her or have kids, you've got a chance there.

However, if you've got a dp of your own and dcs, that's an entirely different matter.

For most people first love is a big thing and he'll always be special in your mind and your heart, but the reality of day to day life would probably be very different.

cazboldy Thu 30-Jul-09 08:51:51

agree with foofi, would it hurt anyone else?

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 08:54:00

I don't have a DP, and they don't have children.

I don't want to split up there relationship but I do, i guess, want to leave the door open for if they ever split up.

Most boys/men I have been out with have all treated me badly, but he didn't, and i treated him appallingly, I am ashamed of it.

I have always thought of him in the relationships where i have been ill-treated an know he would never have done any of that to me

But also, I have been on the recieving end of a cheat, and that isn't something i want to get into or someone I want in my life.

I guess i should tell him that I don't think we should be in contact, but that if he is ever single again to look me up??

foofi Thu 30-Jul-09 08:56:17

Yes, you're right, he should end it with her if he wants to persue anything with you. But he's not going to do that unless he knows you're interested.

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Thu 30-Jul-09 09:22:48

Maybe a message along the lines of 'I can't be in contact with you because I don't think I have ever really gotten over you and it is making my heart ache for what could have been between us, but if you are ever single again, drop me a line xx'

SylvieSprings Thu 30-Jul-09 09:59:00

That sounded really desperate. Get over him. If he can dump her for you, who knows, he could do the same to you later, let's hope he won't send for next...

foofi Thu 30-Jul-09 16:04:39

I would try to keep it more light-hearted - that did sound rather melodramatic.

MorrisZapp Thu 30-Jul-09 16:11:30

If you're single then there's no harm in getting in touch, but don't expect miracles.

You dumped him because your friend thought he was a geek. This suggests you weren't very mature at the time and you've both no doubt changed a lot since then.

He's just a normal guy. Don't project fantasies onto him.

HeartbrokenOverStupidity Fri 31-Jul-09 12:30:56

Ok, i am going to meet up with hima and see how things go, he said he can't imagine them too lasting much longer because she doesn't let him see his friends

There is no way i would get involved whilst they were together though...

foofi Fri 31-Jul-09 12:44:52

Good luck! Let us know what happens.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Fri 31-Jul-09 13:36:42

And if you believe that, you are deluding yourself. This is blatant hypocrisy. Some people here seem to think as long as YOU are single, it's okay to influence aomeone else's relationship. His DP is probably bloody right to be wary of his friends, if this is what he gets up to.

Please think of this poor other woman. You wouldn't like someone else declaring long-held feelings for your DP, so why would you do this to her? You're already falling into the OW trap of believing this woman is a nagging, controlling harridan!

If he wants to leave this woman, he can, but no relationship that starts this way is good. From the contact you have had already, it must be pretty obvious to him where you stand. Since you've already got yourself into a "lost love of my life" fantasy, do you really think you can meet him and nothing will happen? At the very least, you will both be expressing inappropriate yearnings.

And please, can we stop these double standards. If the man in this situation came on here saying he was planning to meet his old flame, he would be panned for being a bastard.

MadreInglese Fri 31-Jul-09 13:41:41



get over it

lucykate Fri 31-Jul-09 13:42:23

you don't say how long ago this all was, when you first were together. just remember, at 14, he wasn't the person he is now, you've changed, he will have changed too. what you remember from the past is long gone.

MadreInglese Fri 31-Jul-09 13:45:00

At 14 I was into flowery Doc Martens and Body Shop Dewberry perfume

ie move on

Xales Fri 31-Jul-09 13:46:48

You say 'There is no way i would get involved whilst they were together though... '

You already are. You are discussing his relationship with him or allowing him to tell you how crap it is. If it was that crap he would have left before you arrived back on the scene.

Don't dress it up as you are any better becuase you love him, you are chasing him just as all the threads on this website from hurt partners/wives who tell us how their other half were chased.

If you have any self-respect, dignity or compassion for his current partner cut all contact and leave well alone.

parsley3 Fri 31-Jul-09 19:39:59

You will do what you want regardless of what we say here ,of course. This just reminds me of an ex bf of mine , we were 17 ,I cheated on him(he didn't know that) -no idea why ,I think I was too young and immature to appreciate what a lovely person he was - and then cruelly dumped him. I've always felt guilty about it and wished I'd had the opportunity to just say sorry and give him a big hug. BTW this was 23 years ago - so that makes me VERY "SAD" [GRIN][SAD]. ( sorry to hijack your post)

parsley3 Fri 31-Jul-09 19:41:41

oops! trouble with my emoticons there

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 31-Jul-09 19:43:24

Last year my first love from 14-21 got in touch and we had an email, text and phone relationship.

End result - my DH devastated, OM and me messed up and now I am full of a different kind of regrets,

You are single, he isn't so he needs to decide if he wants to go further as it doesn't sound like you could accept just being friends.

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