Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Moving in together - who compromises?

(20 Posts)
duke748 Wed 29-Jul-09 19:47:18

Hi all.

A brief history. I started seeing a friend about 1.5 years ago and we have been dating properly for the last 7 months. We live just over 2 hours away from each other and because of this it was never meant to be a long term thing. However, we, have found that we have totally fallen for each other.

He is away at the moment and has called to say that he'd really like us to live together as he misses me too much when we are apart. All very sweet and romantic. which made me go a bit swoony. We will have a proper chat about it at the weekend, when he flies back.

My problem is - who moves to be with the other?

I love the town I live in, have been here about 4 years, after moving around every year or so in other places. I have lots of lovely close friends who I really enjoy spending time with and would be gutted to leave even one of them, let alone all of them. I feel that I have only just got a proper base (I don't have any family) and my friends are my substitute family in a way.

However, he is doing fantastically well in his job and looks set to make about 4 times as much as me this year (mostly bonuses). To both of us our careers are important, his just pays loads more at the moment!

When we have been dating he has come to see me here 9 times out of 10 and our joint life is here. He has been to lots of parties with my friends, been out to dinners, been there when I have had people around for dinner parties etc. He knows lots of the husbands/boyfriends and I am sure he could build his own social life from there.

So, the way I see it, my friends are 100% necessary for me to be happy- I would be devastated without them, and OUR life is here. What would we do in his home town? He has one close male friend who he gets bladdered with once a month or so.

However, am I asking too much to ask him to move here? And how can I put my argument across without sounding like an uncompromising cow?

I have decided I will compromise on anything but the location, the only trouble is that there isn't much else left to compromise on then!

Any ideas on how to go forward from here would be gratefully received, and if anyone has had any similar experiences, then please do share.

Thanks.

TheProfiteroleThief Wed 29-Jul-09 20:11:31

oo tricky.

With any luck you would both compromise to some extent.

You have not mentioned schools - do either of you have children?

Is there a good location where you both travel a bit? I think it can be a great idea to move to a new place together

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 29-Jul-09 20:14:15

Where do you both work? Would it be feasible for him to commute to work from where you live? If his income is so substantial, then this will be critical - he will have to get to work easily!

How far apart are you?

Hassled Wed 29-Jul-09 20:17:07

It's less about your compromises and more about disruption to children, assuming you have children.

Assuming you don't, can you not start afresh together halfway between the two homes? So you're only an hour away from friends, he can still commute to work.

cat64 Wed 29-Jul-09 20:27:50

Message withdrawn

duke748 Wed 29-Jul-09 20:28:02

Hi. No kids, so that is one less thing to worry about!

I have thought about moving to a new place. I think if thats what I had to do I would. Manchester is half way between us both.

My only issue with that is if we both commute for 2 hours plus a day - how much quality time will we get together during the week? Won't we be back to where we are now where we only see each other at weekends?

Also I am not sure I could do a 2 hour commute every day long term - I just don't think thats any kind of quality of life. Short term, yes, but long term? No.

The way I see it is I would share the good thing about being here (ie friends) and do already really, but I would never take money from him, so he can't really share the good parts of being over there!

He could get a transfer from there to here with his job relatively easily (especially as he is doing so well) but it might mean that the opportunity is not as good here (you just don't know until you move over). I. however, could equally easily get a transfer with my job over there.

Hmmm..... its so difficult! When I ask my friends, they all say I should stay here - but then they would say that wouldn't they?

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 29-Jul-09 23:22:36

TBH - if you can't decide between him and your friends, I would suggest that you aren't really that into him.

Sorry.

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 29-Jul-09 23:26:46

Have just read your OP again - if you're 2 hours away from each other at the moment, can't you find somewhere between each other? Then it's an hour - which isn't that much. Most people in London would expect their journey to take an hour.

And sorry if I sounded harsh re friends vs DP - I didn't mean it to come across quite that way. Just meant that if he was the be all and end all that it would probably be an easier decision for you.

BEAUTlFUL Wed 29-Jul-09 23:33:53

Don't go over this issue for hours in your mind, by yourself, on the strength of one remark from him. Forget about it until he proposes. Really. Then let him work out how he'll move his job to be in your town so you can be happy with your lovely friends.

Don't start with all that compromise stuff this early on! Let him work a bit harder.

alypaly Wed 29-Jul-09 23:48:02

duke748
Noticed in your brief history that you said "he misses you when u r apart". Looking at it as an outsider there was nothing about u missing DP.( sorry to be harsh)
The one good thing about true friends is that they will always be close friends no matter where you are living and a true friend will always travel that extra mile to visit you.
Please dont make the mistake of staying where YOUR friends are otherwise DP will suffer from the princess diana syndrome of "three is a
crowd".
My EX ( unfortunately EX) used to commute 2 hours to Burton on Trent every day and the stress it put on our relationship becos he was always knackered and still needed to wind down when he got home, took its toll on us.....we are now not together.
Will your DP merely enhance your life as it stands with your friends or is being with him the first and foremost thing in your life?

hambler Thu 30-Jul-09 00:40:04

You have the perfect relationship.
Don't move in together

And DON'T HAVE KIDS grin

duke748 Thu 30-Jul-09 08:39:33

Some interesting replies ladies, thanks.

I do utterly adore him and love spending time with him. However, I don't think its healthy for anyone to make their whole life about one person. That counts for him as well as me.

And to me, because of having no family, my friends are important, to my mental health. And just to be clear I am not talking about him moving here and me going out all the time to see my friends, hoping he is at home with dinner on the table!

I am talking about carrying on as we do now where he is invited to 90% of the things I do (just not the watching girly DVDs and discussing why someone got dumped - which he wouldn't be interested in anyway!).

I do think the best suggestion was to simply wait for him to see what he has to say. Which is the plan, but of course I am over-thinking everything and doing lots of 'what-ifs' in my head.

Its interesting, a lot more people on here seem to think I should be the one moving and all of my friends think he should be the one moving.

BecauseImWorthIt Thu 30-Jul-09 08:56:43

I think waiting is good advice - but I would also suggest that you both compromise. If you each move to a place between where you are now, you'll not be that far away from your friends, and you can start your new life together, on 'neutral' ground.

Good luck!

cat64 Thu 30-Jul-09 13:08:08

Message withdrawn

MorrisZapp Thu 30-Jul-09 13:18:52

There simply is no right answer to this one - it's like the Middle East.

Your post could have been written by my best friend a year ago. She's now getting married and moving away from a wonderful, vibrant city to an appalling shithole depressed town in order to live with her DH.

She has held out against moving there for 3 years in the hope that he would move here, but I think now with the wedding imminent she realises it would be frankly odd to be married to somebody you only see at weekends.

My worry is that you sound a bit like she did ie getting excited because 'he said x'. Isn't this something you both talk about openly, or are you one of these women who sits there silently hoping he'll ask the golden questions and then your dreams will come true.

Sorry for the cynical tone but am gutted about losing my friend and think she she is doing the wrong thing - may be totally unlike your situation of course!

duke748 Thu 30-Jul-09 15:12:23

Hi all,

Thanks again for your replies. Most definately not waiting around for him, but realise a phone call about it when he is abroad and using a friend's telephone to call abroad is probably not the most condusive to a long a proper conversation. I am just thinking (over thinking?) things before we talk properly about it at the weekend.

I agree - with a new place I think we'd both find it hard to 'start again' - and could have the issue that its harder to make bonuses for him there AND I find it hard being away from my friends (as well as my fab job).

I guess we are lucky in that we both live in lovely towns, Chester and Harrogate, so neither is a shithole, and neither place would either of us find it hard to get work.

Its just which one!!!

MorrisZapp Thu 30-Jul-09 16:06:56

Oh well in that case the answer is...Harrogate!

(I love Yorkshire)

duke748 Thu 30-Jul-09 16:46:54

Yay Harrogate! My home town. ;0)

MorrisZapp Thu 30-Jul-09 16:48:37

Fat Rascals all round

duke748 Sun 02-Aug-09 11:40:46

Just to update all you lovely ladies who were kind enough to reply...

He came over to mine yesterday and came up with a brilliant idea....

He wants to buy a flat soon to let out (with all the money he is currently making). He also wants a promotion at work, as do I.

He has decided to buy a flat in Leeds (near me in Harrogate) to rent out. And look for jobs in the Leeds/Bradford/Harrogate area.

Then he can live in the flat he is renting out and be near enough to me that we can stay over at each others loads.

I can look for a promotion too and once we are both in the next rung up, we can then look to rent in a place that is commutable for us both.

Loads of compromise on his part, and a bit o mine (I don't really like big cities like Leeds) but overall a master plan which means we can work it into our career plans and also be nearer and nearer to each other. Hopefully without anyone feeling that they are the one who has had to sacrifice too much.

Am so happy we have a plan that I like, and even more pleased that he has been so clever in taking both our needs into consideration and come up with such a good idea. It certainly bodes well for the future!

So, basically, I am as happy as a pig in muck right now. grin

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now