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DP's aggression when arguing

(13 Posts)
hotdog23 Wed 29-Jul-09 17:42:19

Hi, I'm just looking for a bit of advice and also just want to write down whats in my head to try and make things a bit clearer!

I have been with my DP for 5 years, just about to start TTC. Our relationship is generally great, he makes me laugh, we have lots of fun together and he is extremely attentive and loving. However, when we argue he has a tendency to get a bit violent, never towards me but he throws stuff and sometimes needs to leave the house because, in his words, "I've pushed him too far" and basically I think he doubts his ability to control himself. I am not scared of him, I really know he would never hurt me and if he did I have no qualms about leaving (an ex did hit me, once, and that was it, I left and I wasn't embarassed or ashamed, I told everyone what he had done and everyone was very supportive). My issue is really that I don't think that violence and agression are appropriate at all in any kind of conflict and although he says I wind him up (which I do) I know that he could say whatever he liked to me and there is no way I would channel my anger in this same way.

I want to work out a way of making him understand that I don't find this behaviour acceptable but when I try to talk about it he makes me feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing and am accusing him of being a wife beater when he feels like there is no problem, this is just how he expresses and gets rid of his anger.

Thinking about starting a family has made me more aware of the situation because I want to demonstrate a positive way of handling conflict to my children and this ain't it.

I also find it difficult to talk to him about this issue because whenever we have had an argument I always seem to forget exactly what happened (maybe the adrenalin at the time?) and I get tongue tied and flustered and can't come back with quick retorts like he can or even remember enough to have a proper discussion about it.

I can't help feeling like its one of those things that I should have nipped in the bud the first time it happened but because I haven't we are now in this 'pattern' of behaviour.

Also he is very good friends with all of his previous ex girlfriends, I know a lot of them and they think the world of him so I am totally confident that he is not 'heading down a slippery slope of domestic violence' etc.

Sorry this is so long! Any thoughts would be very gratefully received.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 29-Jul-09 17:59:46

What do you argue about exactly?.

I would not be ttc with this man under any circumstances. Not fair to bring a child into this.

He may have had lot of ex's - I wonder exactly why?. His track record is not good is it?. He probably acted the same with them as well and they got fed up of being treated like it. They're probably just glad that they are no longer with him.

What are his parents like; presumably he learnt about this from them too.

The fact as well that he says you're making a big deal out of nothing when you tackle him on this subject is a red flag as well. He is undermining your valid opinion and not really listening. That is a big problem.

How would you feel if you were with the baby and after a spat he then throws stuff around with him/her present in the room?.

I would suggest counselling for your own self (and certainly without him being present) to discuss all this further with an impartial person. You've been strong enough to readily leave one abusive ex; don't let him grind you down further and doubt your misgivings.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 18:00:24

well, I would postpone the ttc until you get it sorted out for starters, although how will you know that if his tendency is to flip as soon as things don't go his way, you could just end up waiting until the next time it happens

I could not live like that

bringing a demanding baby into the equation is likely to escalate his inability to cope like a reasonable person

if you are hearing warning bells, please heed them

this site is littered with women who didn't listen to the alarm bells ringing....

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 29-Jul-09 18:01:13

I couldn't bare to read it all.

I wouldn't be trying to have a baby with this man until his anger has gone.

bigchris Wed 29-Jul-09 18:03:31

i would threaten to leave the next time he does it
tell him its completely unacceptable
then if he does it again i would leave
you dont want to have a baby with someone wjo cant control their temper

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 18:07:55

have you read this thread ?

Do you want a future like this ?

I imagine this is how it started in their scenario, then the kids come along and hey presto, you are trapped and he can treat you all with as much aggression as he thinks he can get away with

Flgihtattendant Wed 29-Jul-09 18:08:50

Really sorry to say this but he sounds like a big bully. sad

Please don't bring a child into the world whilst you are being treated in this way.

Sorry - I know it's horrid to have to face up to it, when you've invested so much in the relationship/

Fwiw I had a boyfriend whose other girlfriend(s) thought he was a hamrless jerk, but i lasted two months with him before he was slamming the door when I mentioned a previous boyfriend of mine (actually not even an ex boyfriend, just a random bloke)

He was the treading on eggshells type, too - just like yours. It spelled danger to me, and just because he didn't hit them, doesn't mean he'll never hit you - you might be the 'special' one.

please get angry about it NOW and don't waste any more of your life on him - it'll get harder to elave the longer you wait, as you'll have put even more into it.
He sounds like he has real issues and minimising them is a classic sign of an abuser. He's got you thiniking you're making it up already.

hotdog23 Wed 29-Jul-09 18:17:04

Wow. That's great, thank you all very much.

Anyfucker, I have read that thread and was horrified. I feel sick that you are equating the two.

In a bit of shock now TBH.

Will come back later i think.

Flgihtattendant Wed 29-Jul-09 18:26:14

sad OP - take care, and please don't discuss your concerns with dp at this point - it's when the partner realises things are not 'OK', that the abuser can sometimes really hit the roof iyswim. don't tell him you might be considering leaving him.

That's your decision alone and he may put barriers in your way if he knows. Abusive blokes don't like to be sussed out.

Come back later dear x

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 18:27:24

Hotdog, I am sorry you are shocked

I am also sorry that you were obviously already concerned enough about him to post for opinions in the first place

The only difference I see between this thread and the other one is a couple of dc's and a few years of time.

What else did you want people to say ?

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-09 14:22:11

hotdog, where did you go ?

are you ok ?

madeindevon2 Fri 31-Jul-09 11:00:07

hotdog. my dh is similar to yours. hes a very kind caring loving dh and daddy
but arguments when they occur arent good. he doesnt throw stuff (well he did once but not normally) but he swears and rants and raves and it upsets me greatly. he also says things in the heat of the moment that really hurt and upset me.
i know thats not ideal but aside from this he is very thoughtful loving dp and hands on fantasic daddy.i dont see it as a sign of abuse. just that hes that kind of guy. hes very emotional and passionate! all the good outweighs the bad.

cestlavielife Fri 31-Jul-09 11:36:17

"this is just how he expresses and gets rid of his anger."

that is what mny ex said too.

hence is an ex when i finally realised...

please dont have children with this man.

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