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have any childless friends that are unsupportive about parenting?

(19 Posts)
kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Wed 29-Jul-09 12:19:06

Would like to hear some stories. My "friend" told me she finds it hard to spend time with my active DC and told me she doesn't want to hear about the difficulties I face as a mother because she "can't have any input in it". She also, when coked out of her head, told me everything she thinks I do wrong in my life (she's not perfect!), and seems to think this was OK. Any other twats out there?

HumphreyCobbler Wed 29-Jul-09 12:21:57

god you should ditch her

having said that I remember thinking a lot of stuff about other people's parenting that I blush to remember now that I am a parent, but I NEVER said it

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Wed 29-Jul-09 12:24:57

Thanks humphrey. I am ditching her, the silly idiot! I also remember thinking things I never said that I realise now were very silly. But like you, I never said them. angry

SueMunch Wed 29-Jul-09 12:26:34

Join the club Kneedeep!

I have al old friend who witters on about travelling endlessly, but never one asks me about my children.

It starts to make you question people sometimes - it can be hurtful. But then again, if we were all the same life would be pretty boring.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Wed 29-Jul-09 12:29:04

Hi SueMunch

Yes, it would be pretty boring, but I never feel I don't want to hear about my friend's problems or hear tales about taking drugs and parties (which I don't find particularly interesting, btw). It's my difference from her she's not into.

SueMunch Wed 29-Jul-09 12:47:01

I know what mean. With me, whilst I like looking at generic photos of my friend on beaches, I wish she would take at least a passing interest in how my kids are growing up.

Perhaps you should tell that you're not interested in drugs?

Not wanting to hear her problems is a sign that yours is not a real friendship IMO.

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry Wed 29-Jul-09 12:59:27

I'm not interested in her drug taking, but I just listened to her tales – I thought that's what you do with friends. Perhaps your friend thinks that all kids are not interesting? How wrong she is!

MorrisZapp Wed 29-Jul-09 14:04:39

With respect, the person you describe sounds like a selfish monster. I wouldn't see it as a childless issue at all.

Did you both used to be like this but your life changed? Or has she always been a critical cokehead while you stay stum on her faults?

mayorquimby Thu 30-Jul-09 12:12:04

well the person in question just sounds like a twat.
although in a more general sense (with regards to the thread title rather than the op as it's clear who's in the wrong there) it can be hard for both sides of a friendship if one is childless and the other not if either lack a bit of empathy.
often the person with children can condescend ever childless people with the old adage "oh you'd feel different if you had kids/you've got a lot to learn" attitude and treat any of their moans or problems as frivilous when compared to their ever important task of raising the most perfect child ever, so moaning about a hangover or not being able to afford a c ertain holiday/night out is met with "you should count your lucky stars you can even think about a night out,i haven't been out in 54 weeks, and anyway lets talk about creches as they're far more important because they're about my child"

and similarly childless people just won't know the difficulties and strains that goes with a new child so can be unintentionally insensitive.

tryingherbest Thu 30-Jul-09 19:38:52

I think you're on different sides of the fence and that's about it.

I remember when childless I could barely remember the names of my friends kids - really couldn't - I'd make the right noises (nothing like your pal) but just didn't get it.

Now I'm the mother of one I'm soooooo child centred it must annoy my friends. Just last weekj my bf now based abroad send me a rather horrible email about kids - I took it with a pinch of salt as she'd love kids but it's not happening for her and I remember being in thgat position too.

If you've really not got anything in common with this mate - it's probably time to let go - the fact you're expected to hear about her problems and not her about yours tells me the relationship is pretty much over.

emeraldgirl1 Thu 30-Jul-09 20:48:30

I agree that it goes both ways. I think in this case kneedeep this friend of yours just sounds selfish full stop!! Ditch her I say, and don't put up with that kind of toxic relationship in your life.

OTOH I think things can often be the other way too. I have no kids but I am super-involved in my friends' kids, we talk about them constantly, I buy the most thoughtful gifts I can, I remember birthdays... I try as hard as I can because I know how much it means. But the shoe is often on the other foot for me and my friends with kids are very often very very uninterested in my life, it does sometimes seem as though any problem I have (and not even small ones!) can't possibly compare with the stress of child-rearing... Even my DH's unemployment barely raised an eyebrow with my bf but I have to hear constant tales of her DH's potty-training!!!

Hmmm - maybe I should take my own advice and ditch her too... wink

emeraldgirl1 Thu 30-Jul-09 20:49:27

Oh, and that would be her DS's potty-training not DH's!!! What a lovely image that has conjured up blush

tryingherbest Thu 30-Jul-09 20:52:30

emerald -feel for you there. I always ensure I know what's going on in friends lives. I may have no life outside kids at the mo but I always ensure that I understand the stresses of my pals' lives - I was there once.

Her mate sounds like a cow though.

emeraldgirl1 Thu 30-Jul-09 20:54:28

Thanks - and you're right, the mate does sound a total cow. I think it's less to do with being child-free and more to do with being totally self-involved!! hmm

duke748 Thu 30-Jul-09 21:20:22

I am child free and my best mate has an adorable daughter who I love more than anyone in the world.

To me, I love my friend, so therefore love her daughter. Its as simple as that.

She listens to me moan about dating problems (she is married) and job issues (she is a SAHM). In turn I listen to her family and friend issues. She supports me and I support her.

The only time it was difficult was when she had first given birth as I thought she wanted to be left alone in her new family 'unit' but actually she just wanted to spend a bit of time in her 'old life'. I wish we had communicated more then.

She also has friends with kids and I think she talks more to them about the finer details of kid stuff, I probably get more of an overview. However, I would never think to not ask after her daughter, in fact I speak to her daughter on the phone most of the time too!

I think that a true friendship survives any changes in circumstances, even such a big one as having children.

wildfig Thu 30-Jul-09 21:56:31

As someone without kids yet, I'd second mayorq and Emerald here: my sister has two children, and not only does she virtually hang up on me once she's delivered the news of their latest achievements, she barely registers what's going on in my life. I'm moving house next week and I don't think she's even asked where the new place IS. I often get the impression that she thinks my worries are pretty trivial compared to the strains of motherhood.

I love her and don't want us to drift apart, but it's much harder for a childless woman to understand the daily details of motherhood than the other way around. I try to keep up with what's going on with her two and what they're into but it's not easy when you don't come into regular contact with school/HSM/CBeebies. Another side problem I have is that my DH and I have been TTC for 18 months, and sometimes children are the very last thing i want to discuss. I've developed a special fixed smile for when mothers do that 'life's so meaningless until you have children' stuff; it can feel - from the other side - as though you're being told you're only half human until you have kids. The defence mechanism is to become rather brittle about how actually your life is just fine as it is, but that can soon turn into sheer barminess (cf, Liz Jones in this week's news, spouting insanity about her animal family).

Not saying that's what's happening with your friend, but just adding it as a possible explanation for 'other twats' apparently unsupportive behaviour. wink There's no excuse for rudeness, though; good friends are there for you unconditionally. Basically, if she's not interested in your life, and you're not interested in hers, it sounds as if you've have just grown apart anyway - I wouldn't feel bad about making the break.

wildfig Thu 30-Jul-09 22:22:51

I mean no excuse for HER rudeness obv...

ilovemydogandmrobama Thu 30-Jul-09 22:33:38

I want a friend like Duke smile

My absolute best friend in the word became a stranger as soon as I had DD. Prior to this, she was a 4am friend, the kind you can call at 4am and they would drop everything to help.

There wasn't any huge row, just kind of drifted apart. So sad when friendships end. We broke up, I guess.

duke748 Thu 30-Jul-09 23:10:32

Ah thanks - but its me who is truly blessed - she's a fab friend!

Oh, and it helps that her DD is utterly adorable and totally impossible not to love. ;0)

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