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Another what would you do thread...husband into cyber/phone sex

(46 Posts)
shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 08:35:15

This could be very long and drawn out - hopefully not too complicated but I'm hoping that by writing it all down it will help get things clear in my mind.

Firstly a bit of background. DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 14. We have 3 children (8, 4 and 2). Most of our years together have been happy, although his business folded in 2002 - he walked away with debts amouting to about £20k, didn't tell anyone and I was none the wiser until we started to get threatening letters from baliffs, etc. My parents bailed him out time and time again. I suppose if I'm honest I will always resent him for that. We were forced to sell our house and downsize - all in all it was a nightmare.

Anyway, going back to April last year, DH started to arouse my suspicions in that he would be on the internet (Facebook) until very late every night. He would be secretive about what he was doing (minimise screen if I walked past, etc). So...I snooped. Found out he was having cybersex with a woman on there, and promptly had a fit, deleted her from his friends list and he swore he wouldn't do it again.

A couple of months later, the same thing happened. I installed spy software on the computer as somehow found it easier to handle if I had that element of "control" and knew what was going on.

Well, fast forward to today. He is now on woman no. 8 (or thereabouts) and this time has graduated to phone sex and texting, as well as the online sex. I confronted him at the weekend and basically said that this was a marriage killer, to which he responded "Our marriage is already dead, and has been for a long time. When did we last have sex?!!" Sigh. I really don't want sex with him - somehow the endless women, albeit online, are a real passion killer (particularly when I read things he says to them, like when he's having sex with me, he's thinking of them).

We're both unhappy. The kids are picking up on it.

I've told him I want him to move out and get a divorce, but now the time of reckoning is here he's being super-dad and super-husband, which I'm finding incredibly confusing. I'm in bits and he's acting as though nothing's happened (although he is sleeping in the front room). I'm quite sure he will meet this particular one (he's never met any of the others as they've not been local) and I really don't care. Is it normal to start to have doubts when it gets to this stage? He's on a low wage (under £20k), we have a big mortgage which I can no way afford to pay on my own (I have a TA job starting in September but it's only 15 hrs per week and the pay is appalling).

I'm desperate for the children and I to stay in this house. I'm scared that I'll be lonely (although we don't really talk in the evenings as he's on the computer, it's nice to have another adult presence in the house).

I realise I've waffled and this message is disjointed, but it feels good to get it all out.

HappyWoman Wed 29-Jul-09 08:41:57

go and get some legal advice - could your parents help you out at all.

He may be trying to back down now but as you still dont seem that bothered that he is going to meet another woman i would say you need to get him out of your life so you can move onto a better one without him,

good luck

shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 08:47:20

Thanks for your reply. I'm trying to get an appointment at my local CAB but having problems as they're so busy.

When I say I don't care about him meeting her, I have gone beyond that now. In the early days I couldn't believe he was capable of "cheating" in any way, shape or form, but it's strange how quickly you get used to something and it no longer shocks.

I guess that meeting one of these woman is the next logical step for him and something I have been expecting to happen for a long time.

My parents will no doubt help out if I need them to, but I would prefer to try to do this another way if possible. They're both retired and live comfortably but are by no means wealthy.

countingto10 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:28:10

Do you love him? Do you want to try and save your marriage ?

This sounds like the downward spirl me and my DH were in which culminated in him leaving me and "shacking up" with an OW.

We are now seeing Relate and have been for a number of weeks. We are on the long road to recovery and recognising the part we both played in the breakdown of the relationship. I think we are going to have a stronger, happier marriage as a result.

We too had/have a lot of financial problems, DH not taking responsibility and me being very resentful etc.

It's a long hard road but it will be worth it for me.

You have to decide what you really want and if you both want the same things.

Good luck.

shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 09:35:24

I don't know if I love him or not - I certainly don't hate him, in fact I keep worrying about him and how he will cope on his own, whether he'll be lonely, what he'll eat, etc. He's also a great dad and the children adore him. However, I can't imagine ever feeling physically attracted to him again - the thought of having sex with him makes me feel quite ill.

So possibly I do love him, but as I would love a brother, if you see what I mean.

I think it would be so easy now to try again, but we've been in this position so many times and it always comes full circle. He's still talking to the OW on the phone every night, texting her and chatting with her online. I feel that if he really wanted to make it work he would have the sense and common decency to stop.

shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 09:37:22

I think that by parting we would actually get on better, and both be happier. We're determined that we would be friendly and he would still see a great deal of the children.

We obviously want the best for them, and it really worries me that DS1 in particular (8 next week) is definitely picking up on the fact that there's hostility between us.

countingto10 Wed 29-Jul-09 09:49:27

It's interesting as our therapist said my DH did the right thing by leaving but not having the affair. We were like a volcano exploding (my DH was also flirting online etc). He was on a self destruct path with gambling, ow etc - totally lost the plot, had a breakdown whatever and I made things worse. Sometimes you need a third party to point things out etc. Even if you separate therapy would be a good idea so you don't make the same mistakes again IYSWIM and get things straight in your mind.

I initially 'phoned Relate to see them on my own and was separating as far as I was concerned, DH decided he wanted to come with me in the end.

lighthouse Wed 29-Jul-09 09:52:46

That is really poop, however I don't know how old you are but your life should count too. Life in general is too short to be miserable and you could be moving on with someone who will make you happy. Don't waste it in him for gods sake!

New life new you! the children will adapt, kids always do when they are young, I am a product of a very messy breakup and at the time it was ick but now I have my own life and my mother is happy with someone else.

Take time to have a makeover pamper, try and go out a little bit feel attractive again, he has taken all your confidence.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 10:53:42

I think your marriage is over

You now need to move on and sort out the practicalities

What do you mean he is acting like "super-husband"? I don't equate that with still texting the OW.

You sound disinterested and defeated. I am not sure there is anything to work on.

Make another life for yourself, any you have with him would be hollow and you would find yourself just waiting for him to start up his sleazy antics again.

shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 13:07:40

Thanks for all your comments...really appreciate it.

I just don't know where to start at the mo. I guess CAB should be my first stop, and will be as soon as I can get a bloody appointment!

AF I believe you're right - it is over and in essence, has been for a long time. When I say "super-husband" I mean he's doing things that he wouldn't normally do - for example washing up. He never, ever makes the bed and yet the other morning, after taking his pillows to the bedroom (he's sleeping downstairs currently), I went in to discover he had made it!!! Never happens!!

And yes, I know the antics will start up again. I can't give him what he needs/wants sexually and so he has to look for it elsewhere. I feel in a way as though I have forced him to act the way he has, and am therefore the one to blame.

This sucks.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 13:20:47

eh ?

You are not to blame, get that out of your head.

He is addicted to the sleaziness and the forbidden nature of what he does. I suppose that just by living in the same house and being available to him (as his wife) then yes, in some ways you cannot supply what he "needs" (wants, more like hmm)

but how is that your fault ? No.

lighthouse Wed 29-Jul-09 13:24:53

No man if he loves his wife does those sorts of things to her. He cannot love you if he is willing to let you go and carry on doing these things.

shakennotstirred Wed 29-Jul-09 13:51:52

He insists he loves me but I think actually, he loves his home comforts and the daily routine. He's in his comfort-zone here and is obviously reluctant to leave it. I'm not sure whether his change in attitute (becoming "super-husband") is a sign that he wants to stay. I of course can't consider him staying if he's going to carry on with these other women - but in a way they protect me from having to sleep with him. What a conundrum.

Does anyone here know what benefits or help I would be entitled to? How much of his monthly salary he would need to pay me as child maintenance? I have done some Googling and ascertained that I may get Income Support and Council Tax benefit, but I'm not sure whether I would be entitled to any help with the mortgage. I guess probably not.

AnyFucker Wed 29-Jul-09 14:15:45

Sorry, absolutely no help for you on the money front

Speak to CAB ?

The OW proect you from having to sleep with him ? That is fucked-up. If you don't want to sleep with him, don't. I would imagine his ridiculous dick-massaging online will have killed your desire for him anyway.

I am just waiting for sgb to rock up with her trusty "stop being his domestic servant" line. It rings very true and appropriate here.

It sounds like he would rather like being allowed to play his sleazy games and have the cosy family set-up around him, complete with someone to wash his undies and cook his meals.

FGS, get rid.

HappyWoman Wed 29-Jul-09 18:42:35

of course he wants to carry on with ow - and still have his lovely life without having to sacrifice any of it.

He will not want to contribute to the home he sees as his and he will want to be the 'victim' in this - they always do.

This is not your fault - you may not want sex for many reasons - he should be supporting you rather than 'letting you off having sex with him'

I think it will get messy and i suggest you get some good legal advice so he cant scare you with all sorts of rubbish about being able to stay and not having to pay you ......

SolidGoldBrass Thu 30-Jul-09 01:30:09

Obviously there may well be background to this that I don't know BUT if you don't want to have sex with him and he is, in other ways, good husband and father, why is it a problem if he has sex with someone else?Could you not agree some ground rules ie that he doesn;t bring his other partners to the house and that he doesn't use the family computer for sex stuff unless he is capable of remembering to wipe the history before anyone else uses it?

BitOfFun Thu 30-Jul-09 01:48:59

Er, yes, if you want to live a miserable half life I suppose.

Agree with Anyfucker. It's over. It's not unreasonable to expect sexual fidelity if that was your expectation at the start. Maybe try a solicitor for some advice? Lots of them do a free half hour.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Thu 30-Jul-09 02:07:33

He hasn't actually, in the flesh, been unfaithful yet though, has he? I agree the marriage is dead, and strongly suspect the house will have to be sold (sorry, OP) but I'm curious as to why the OP is so certain this latest contact will result in a meeting, when previous contacts have not.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 30-Jul-09 09:32:57

Why would it be a miserable half-life to renegotiate their family? The OP is clearly fond of the H but not interested in sex with him: why not discuss living as separate co-parents?
(When you have children with someone you have a relationship with that person for as long as you and the children are alive, it's just that the relationship doesn;t have to be a couple-relationship to be workable and amicable.

HappyWoman Thu 30-Jul-09 09:59:13

Solid - what you say is the sensible thing to do - but i dont think there are many that would hold that view. Emotions are complicated and if the op's h had been upfront about his desires to find fulfilment elsewhere it may be workable but clearly is doing 'the usual' and making it a secret world of his and then making the op feel inadequate sexually for his excuse. I doubt very much whether he would actually want what you are suggesting either - he would rather have it all his way.

BitOfFun Thu 30-Jul-09 10:04:44

I also suspect the OP will still be expected to do the cooking, childcare and washing of skiddy boxer shorts in this utopian "co-parenting" arrangement while he gets his rocks off with his online hunneez. Not an attractive prposition for her really...

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-09 10:42:21

a shit proposition in fact...

am surprised at you SGB !!

they should live apart as co-parents, and he should wash his own skiddy undies

that way, the Op starts to get a life back, and nights off to go and re-kindle her own sexlife on her own terms

SolidGoldBrass Thu 30-Jul-09 13:02:28

WHile I do not think that women should just be expected to service men domestically no matter what, the impression I got from this particular OP was of a man who is pulling his weight domestically and a woman who was not much interested in sex. Which is why I suggested the OP consider whether co-parenting in the same house would be workable: the advantages to the OP are another adult in the house who contributes to the childcare and domestic work and who she doesn't appear to dislike, but simply does not love romantically/sexually.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline Thu 30-Jul-09 13:50:40

But hasn't she gone off sex with him because of his online activities?

I get on very well with DD's dad, but I would hate to live with him. One of the great things about no longer being a couple is that I get to do what I want, in my own house. And no skiddy undies.

OP, in terms of money, have a look at www.entitled.to
That will give you an idea of what you would get in benefit, and in tax credit when you start your new job.

In general terms, maintenance tends to be 20% of the non-resident parent's take home salary - so not a fortune.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-09 14:17:29

the problem with that scenario though sgb, is that while he is still cocklodging living there, any other decent men who might have been interested will be frightened away

for the majority of those with no experience of this free love shenanigans, the presence of another man with his feet firmly wedged under the table, whether or not he has his dollybirds on the side is enough to send potential partners screaming for the hills...

so, OP gets no real chance to form the sort of relationship she wants with someone else

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