This could be very long and drawn out - hopefully not too complicated but I'm hoping that by writing it all down it will help get things clear in my mind.
Firstly a bit of background. DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 14. We have 3 children (8, 4 and 2). Most of our years together have been happy, although his business folded in 2002 - he walked away with debts amouting to about £20k, didn't tell anyone and I was none the wiser until we started to get threatening letters from baliffs, etc. My parents bailed him out time and time again. I suppose if I'm honest I will always resent him for that. We were forced to sell our house and downsize - all in all it was a nightmare.
Anyway, going back to April last year, DH started to arouse my suspicions in that he would be on the internet (Facebook) until very late every night. He would be secretive about what he was doing (minimise screen if I walked past, etc). So...I snooped. Found out he was having cybersex with a woman on there, and promptly had a fit, deleted her from his friends list and he swore he wouldn't do it again.
A couple of months later, the same thing happened. I installed spy software on the computer as somehow found it easier to handle if I had that element of "control" and knew what was going on.
Well, fast forward to today. He is now on woman no. 8 (or thereabouts) and this time has graduated to phone sex and texting, as well as the online sex. I confronted him at the weekend and basically said that this was a marriage killer, to which he responded "Our marriage is already dead, and has been for a long time. When did we last have sex?!!" Sigh. I really don't want sex with him - somehow the endless women, albeit online, are a real passion killer (particularly when I read things he says to them, like when he's having sex with me, he's thinking of them).
We're both unhappy. The kids are picking up on it.
I've told him I want him to move out and get a divorce, but now the time of reckoning is here he's being super-dad and super-husband, which I'm finding incredibly confusing. I'm in bits and he's acting as though nothing's happened (although he is sleeping in the front room). I'm quite sure he will meet this particular one (he's never met any of the others as they've not been local) and I really don't care. Is it normal to start to have doubts when it gets to this stage? He's on a low wage (under £20k), we have a big mortgage which I can no way afford to pay on my own (I have a TA job starting in September but it's only 15 hrs per week and the pay is appalling).
I'm desperate for the children and I to stay in this house. I'm scared that I'll be lonely (although we don't really talk in the evenings as he's on the computer, it's nice to have another adult presence in the house).
I realise I've waffled and this message is disjointed, but it feels good to get it all out.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Another what would you do thread...husband into cyber/phone sex
shakennotstirred · 29/07/2009 08:35
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