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Relationships

How to handle a bullying ex? Help! (long)

45 replies

spacedonkey · 23/05/2005 11:43

I don't know where to start with this really. I split up with my husband six years ago after an unhappy 11 year marriage. We have two children (now 14 and 11). For reasons that are much too complicated to go into the children went to live with him almost 6 months ago (potted version of events - I moved with the children to London for work reasons, they hated it, I had a breakdown, was made redundant, the kids wanted to go back to their old schools and live with their dad and I agreed to it, thinking it might be good for them and him).

The reason I am posting is that I am utterly and completely pissed off with my ex's behaviour and I need to rant. The split was acrimonious and he is still incredibly bitter about it. I know you're only hearing my side of things here, but he was an AWFUL husband. He refused to get a job in the whole time we were together, so when ds was a year old I went back to work and college because I was sick of being poor and feeling there was no future for our family. God only knows why I stayed with him for so long. I was 20 when I married him. Far too young. I was 23 when I had dd, and once the children came along I felt I owed it to them to give the marriage my best shot. But I lost all respect for him over time - because he made no effort to support me and the children financially, then accused me of being "selfish" when I went back to work and college. When I was pregnant with dd (our first), he told me he thought he was bisexual and wanted to sleep with the bloke living in the flat downstairs (!). Although I don't think that actually happened, this became a recurring theme over the years that followed, and, honestly, I don't think I ever forgave him for telling me that at a time when I felt so vulnerable and scared about the future, and needed him to affirm his commitment to me and our child, not tell me he wasn't sure about his sexuality.

We went through two long bouts of relationship counselling during our marriage, which was helpful in many ways, but nothing could have saved that relationship. I was growing older and realising I didn't want him, I didn't respect or even like him any more. Eventually I met someone else. I told my husband 2 weeks later (I should have had the guts to end it before getting involved with someone else, I know). He threw me out and the kids followed to live with me at my mum's. Ironically, he went out and got a job almost immediately - something he had never been prepared to do when we were together. Understandably he was full of rage at my betrayal.

The trouble is, six years later he is still full of rage. Since we separated he has come out as gay and has had a number of gay relationships. I don't have a problem with that and neither have the kids, but I do wonder why the hell he doesn't seem able to see that, despite the fact I was the one who betrayed him, he had betrayed me in so many ways before that. We have spoken about this a number of times since we broke up, and a number of times he has admitted that he was a terrible husband, and that it wasn't all my fault really, but then a few weeks later he is back to ranting and raving about me as if that conversation hadn't taken place.

Now I don't care if he hates me, as long as he doesn't drag the kids into it. But he does. He has said dreadful things about me both to the children and in front of them ("she's a f*ing slag/liar/bitch" etc). And now he has decided he doesn't want to talk to me any more, so he uses our daughter as a messenger. That's OK about minor things, but he expects her to talk to me about financial matters. I tell dd that I won't talk to her about things like that because it is parents' business, not something she should have to worry about. She goes back to him and repeats that, and he gets angry about it.

I am so sick of this situation. I wish I could get my children and run away with them so none of us ever have to see him again, but the kids love him, he is their dad, so I can't. For six years I have been scared to rock the boat, so I've pandered to him because, if I don't, he screams and shouts in front of the children. He has never paid any child support (his argument being that he shouldn't have to pay it because his babysitting services equate to what he would be paying), and I have never chased him for it for fear of the consequences. This is why I haven't divorced him yet. I have realised he is nothing but a bully.

Now my kids are living with him - naively I thought it might be good for him AND them. What a stupid mistake!

When I talk about this to friends/family the only consolation they can offer is that one day the children will realise the truth of the situation for themselves.

Can anyone offer any advice about how I could get this relationship onto a more equal footing, or, if not, how to cope with his constant undermining of me and my relationship with the children? I would really like to divorce him - although this would inevitably rock the boat I've been so scared to rock, perhaps it would force things to a head, perhaps that would be a good thing? He is the father of my children, I will always have to deal with him - how can I deal with him without feeling bullied, manipulated and, most of all, in fear for the emotional wellbeing of my children?

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jampots · 23/05/2005 11:51

First of all, where do you live now Spacedonkey? If you are living close to the children can you re-address the living arrangments and have the children 50/50? I suspect he is behaving like a child because he gets away with it. As for the betrayal my first instinct is that he betrayed you long before he forced you into someone else's arms and he obviously realises this. A bully is expert at making you feel like the wrong-doer. Your children are quite old now so presumably have their own thoughts. How about dealing with exh via email instead of through dd?