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Meeting boyfriends daughter

(5 Posts)
shesadiamond Tue 28-Jul-09 12:26:55

My boyfriend is moving in and as his daughter currently visits him at the weekend, obviously I have to meet her! I have been looking forward to this and want to make sure I do everything I can to make her feel welcome and at home. Obviously, her Mum is anxious as shes very protective at the best of times, and I'd also like her to know i'll do my best and to try and reassure her. My boyfriend is trying to do the best thing for everyone, his daughter most, and although we have been together for 12 months, he wanted to make sure we were stable and also for his ex to realise how serious we are, before he introduced his daughter to me. I am happy to go along with whats best for everyone, but just wanted some advice about how to do this in the right way, from a mums perspective. Daughter is 7. Advice very much appreciated grin

zanz1bar Wed 29-Jul-09 09:48:07

I met my partners daughter when she was 9.
My best advice is to keep everything as normal as possible and as great as it would be to bond and have lots of girly fun together, she is really only there to see her father, not you.

I always made sure that they could have time together without me being around, even if it was only to provide a plate of toast in front of the TV, shut the door while I read a mag in the kitchen for a couple of hours.

Also be very careful about the big landmark changes in a young girls life, I mean stuff like makeup/leg waxing and the minefield that is periods......you may be the perfect step mum guiding her through lifes highs and lows BUT that is her mothers role, not yours.

We had my DSD every weekend, and have some wonderful memories, she is 20 now OMG, my dd is like a carbon copy of her big sis.

lighthouse Wed 29-Jul-09 09:55:16

My stepmum bought me chocolate! I was her friend for life.

I will never forget the day she bought me a galaxy bar! grin

Surfermum Wed 29-Jul-09 10:13:08

I first met dsd when she was 4. My advice would be not to try too hard initially - just be yourself and let the relationship develop at its own pace.

I let dh and dsd have time together, and saw my role as a supportive one so they could do that. I also saw her as being part of our family rather than a weekend visitor.

I made sure there was plenty for her to do here, so went and bought some toys and books etc and got her a toy box. I also bought some cups and plates that would be for her. I wanted her to feel like she had a place here. And then when she started staying over we let her go and choose a duvet cover and things for her bedroom. And if she liked a particular drink or biscuit I would get them in for her.

Never say anything bad about her mum.

I wouldn't stay entirely in the background though, as much as zanz is right in that she is there to see her Dad, it's your home too so she is coming to see you. So as much as you need to give them time together I think doing some fun things with the 3 of you is important too so she gets used to the new dynamic. Dsd used to love (in fact still does and she's 13) playing board games with us both.

I found that as our relationship grew then my role in her life grew too. I didn't see it as just her mum's role to talk about periods with her. I felt it was mine too in the sense that I wanted her to be comfortable about it should she start when she was with us. As it happened she did start when she was here, so I was pleased I had. I'd have hated for her to be here and wondering what to do as I'd avoided talking about it.

daisymaybe Wed 29-Jul-09 23:44:29

My stepmother was (is) generally quite pleasant to me, but one remark that she made when i was about 8 has always stuck. I was staying with her and my dad and had taken my shoes off at the front door and left them (neatly, out of the way) there. I can remember her sweeping in, grabbing them and saying something along the lines of "don't just leave your mess everywhere, you're not at home now."

bad in a couple of ways, a) implying that where i lived with my mum was a mess and b) that i had no place where she lived with my dad, it was not my "home".

I've never quite been able to believe her perfect stepmother role since - pretty much under the impression that I'm the wasp in her organic strawberry jam, and ought to be largely ignored.

In conclusion of this childhood trauma ramble: be kind, be interested, be patient, never let her feel left out. It's confusing and scary when you're that age to be in a new house, where you don't know what the rules are or where the toilet is.

Surfermum's advice of making her feel like she has a place is spot on.

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