How do I encourage DP to be more house proud...

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

Hi ladies, I'm after some advice. DP & I have a DS (who's 2 and a bit) and another on the way. As DS is picking up more on the way we behave and live our lives I'm trying to encourage DP to be more tidy around the house, more aware of hygiene in the kitchen and basically to think a bit more about the way he looks after the house. He cooks every evening and takes the rubbish out (which i do appreciate and am grateful for) but he leaves dirty underwear on the floor, isnt bothered if a bit of raw meat or egg lands on the work surface. He thinks I'm making a fuss by keep asking him to do things (i only ask about a third/quarter of the time as its usually easier to just do it for him, tidy up behind him for the sake of avoiding an argument) but he just doesn't think and he needs to change for the sake of our kids. I had to keep asking him to rinse DS's toothbrush afterwards as the following morning it'd be full of old dry toothpaste. Its all little bits but he just doesn't think. If I haven't washed up he'll do it but do it badly and say it's better to be done badly than not at all. All I want him to do is think about his actions and show DS how things should be done. He often shouts and I hate this and he never listens and twists what I say. He never thinks about why I keep asking just the fact that I do keep asking which is probably once a day or every other day there'll be something I can't ignore. He put up a slide in the garden and tutted because I asked him to put a ground sheet under it rather than have DS keep landing in the grass creating a tonne of washing including grass stains. AIBU? Any advice anyone? I'm at the point where I want to say things but he resents me when I do. I know we should just be happy and DS would prefer happy parents than a clean house but surely there's some compromise?

[CybilLiberty]

I think your ds would benefit more from having a Mum and Dad that got along and didn't bicker about petty things than learning how to wash up properly. Do you really need to make a fuss about dried toothpaste? My boys brushes are positively fossilised the next morning.

You have 2 choices. Keep nagging and nagging and making things worse. Or choose what things REALLY matter, concentrate on those and get off your dh's back, and realise becasue you are pregnant you have obviously gone a bit loopy .

[mumblechum]

Agree with Cyril

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

Even if DP leaves raw meat on the worksurface?

[CybilLiberty]

Heh? How long for? I assume it's in the middle of cooking. You finsh cooking and then you wipe the surface. No one will die of meat on a worktop.

[thefatladyscreams]

Sorry but some of the things you mention seem very petty to me. I know we all have different standards - but maybe you need to pick the most important ones to discuss with your DP (like raw meat) and chill about the rest?

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

No, he'll leave it. I'll wipe it when I wash up but why can't he wipe it when he's finished? I know it's only one thing but the point is he doesn't think and I don't know how to get him to.

[Bibelots]

You seriously asked your DP to put a ground sheet under a slide to stop your DS from getting dirty? Well you shot yourself in the foot IMO because you have presented yourself as a crazy lady with OCD. It means that he will not listen to your more reasonable requests.

[thefatladyscreams]

By the way, we have a very "lived in" house

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

You're missing the point. It's more about why can't I ask and why doesn't he think. Whats wrong with asking for a groundsheet??? Why should I have to ask???

[mayorquimby]

the examples you give do sound like nagging though, sorry.
toothbrush having dry toothpaste? not a big deal
goes to the trouble of putting up a slid for your ds, and you immediately find something wrong? why didn't you go out and put a cover sheet down?
not washing up to your standard?
underwear on the floor?

they all just sound so petty.

[rubyslippers]

these are really teeny tiny things - yes, they bother me too (anal retentive emoticon) but you need to look at the bigger picture

your DP cooks every evening - excellent for your DS to see

washing up - ditto

taking rubbish out - ditto

sounds like you have a good arrangement re housework and that is a great example for your DS

as for the raw meat/egg yolk - as long as it is cleaned up then waht is the issue?

[rubyslippers]

a ground sheet under a slide is nuts - sorry

kids get dirty

[CybilLiberty]

Why can't you just say 'Please clean that meat up' and leave it like that.

If he blows a gasket over it, turn a blind eye.

Don't feel guilty about how he responds to a reasonable request (as long as it IS reasonable).

It sounds though like he feels hounded by your standards and so any thing you ask him now will fall on deaf ears.

[HighOnDieselAndGasoline]

'He often shouts and I hate this and he never listens and twists what I say.'

TBH, this sounds like more of a problem than the housework.

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

toothbrush having dry toothpaste? not a big deal neither is rinsing it under the tap thats next to the toothbrush holder, doesnt take 2 seconds
goes to the trouble of putting up a slid for your ds, and you immediately find something wrong? why didn't you go out and put a cover sheet down? I was washing up and the cover was on the ground next to the slide so wasn't like he had to go and get it, it was right there
underwear on the floor? next to the laundry bin

I get the idea though, I'll carry on being his maid and do it in silence, maybe when DS is old enough to tidy up then DP might learn from him. Just out of interest though at what age should a child learn to rinse a toothpaste or have I been doing this unnecessarily for 30+years? This is a genuine question as I don't know where to draw the line. DP rinses his own so why not DS's? He puts DS's clothes on DS's laundry bin so why not his own?

[allaboutme]

how pregnant are you?
are you unable to put the groundsheet down yourself for example?
if dh cooks every night then it is reasonable for him to leave washing up and wiping surfaces for you to do
sounds like he gets DS to bed too if he is brushing his teeth
he is doing loads, its a shame to criticise the way he does it when it is only really little things

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

He does his teeth once or twice a week when i ask him to and like i said DP was standing next to the sheet that was next to the slide whilst I was washing up, it was hardly like he had to go and buy one. The sheet was about to go away in the shed with the gazebo so I thought why not make use of it and save myself some washing.

[CybilLiberty]

But you are not his maid are you? He just doesn't do things as perfectly as you would like him too.

There are Mums on here who say their dh's do nothing, and I mean NOTHING.

You seem to have a dh that is doing his share as best he can, but you still are not happy.

Being married is full of minor annoyances, I'm sure your dh has plenty he could say about you.

You either let them cause rifts and atmospheres if they are not important or you realise it's all part of life.

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

Is putting a pair of pants in a washing bin rather than next to the washing bin really too much to ask? I really am surprised at that.

[mayorquimby]

yep carry on being his maid who's master cooks dinner evey night, washes up when she doesn't and does what sounds like his share of the bed time routine.

[CybilLiberty]

I walk round my house every day tutting and eyerolling at the little things my dh hasn't 'seen' that need doing.

If I bought up every single one we would be divirced by now. I weigh up the petty annoyances with the bigger picture.I am also aware that I can be a pain in the arse too. None of us is perfect. Stop wishing your dh was a perfect as you around the house.

[Mumtooneandoneonway]

DP washes up on a saturday and only on a saturday if at all, I wash up the other 6 days, breakfast lunch and dinner. DP doesn't sometimes doesn't get home til 7.30 and DS goes to bed at 8.30 so the only reason I ask him to do DS's teeth is so DS can actually see his dad without me being around for 5 mins. I do EVERYTHING else for DS.

[CybilLiberty]

I'm not really sure what your problem with dh is tbh. Lack of help? Or badly executed help?

[sayithowitis]

Sounds to me that whatever he does will not be good enough for you! He cooks every night but you whinge about hime not washing up to your standards or wiping the worksurface down to your standards. So, do it yourself. After all, if he has cooked anyway, it would be fair for you to clear up afterwards.

You really do sound as though you are nagging the pooor man. You complain about what appear to be silly things,A groundsheet under a slide? Loony IMO. In any case, you say he 'tutted', not that he refused to do it. If people complained about me every time I 'tut', it would keep them busy for the next six months!

Why does he have to show DS how things are done? he is already showing him that men should be doing a fair share of the chores. Why does he need to change for the sake of your kids? It sounds to me like you want him to change for the sake of you.

I think the compromise you are after would mena that he carries on doing what he is doing, which is after all, to help you, and you stop nagging him at every opportunity and accept that he is at least trying to be helpful, unlike so many of the men talked about on here. You ask if YABU. A big, fat, (pregnant) YES is my answer to that!

[allaboutme]

Honestly you've got to relax about the little things or the stress will drive you mad!
My DH is good at doing his share of things too, but he is also terrible at seeing things that need doing. He leaves pants on the floor, water glasses beside the bed etc
We came to a deal where DH now has 'set' things to do instead of picking up the things he doesnt notice, for example he loads the dishwasher every evening, takes out the rubbish and takes out the recycling.
Because its the same things every night he can remember it and doesnt have to worry about noticing what needs doing elsewhere.
Now we are both happy. I dont stress when he leaves pants on the floor and he doesnt stress about trying to remember and notice little things that need doing. I know he does want to do his share, he's just doing it in a different way