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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am in a massive pickle and don't know what to do for the best

59 replies

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:02

I have put myself in a silly position and I don't know what to do for the best. I'll try to be neutral and not too emotional as I really need some advice please.

I have been unlucky and had lots of redundancies, as much as I'd like a long term job it has never seemed to happen. After the last one DP said there was a job going at his (small) office which I'd be great at. I know now it was doomed to be a bad idea but I applied for it, and got it. I can't really afford to be out of a job (who can) so it seemed like the only option.

Well, it was a big mistake. The senior manager took a huge dislike to me and proceeded to make my life hell (bullying, intimidation etc), the relationship with DP is quite frankly terrible now (he says he is piggy in the middle re the Manager, and that the fact that he doesn't like me has made DP look bad in the company as he was the one who introduced me), and now me and DP are barely on speaking terms.

I realise I've made a stupid mistake and don't know what to do for the best. I can't leave as I need the money. I can't split with DP as it's a small office and it will be hell. I think if I left it might improve things with DP but then that would look bad on him (the person he introduced wasn't up to scratch) and so he might not want to carry on seeing each other, and if I did leave I might not find a job for months, who knows?

I have tried to talk to DP at the weekend and he said things would change but it was all talk and he is still really moody to me, in and out of work. To be honest I wonder if he wants to dump me but feels he can't because of the fall-out at work. I have a review meeting with the manager this afternoon which I am dreading (last time he made me cry, and I am not a weak person!)

So I am in an absolute mess, and don't know what to do for the best. Any ideas please? Thanks

OP posts:

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SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 11:08

Worried, I don't think you did a bad thing but I think your DP is behaving like a twat blaming you for the situation. He should be supportive, not behave like a sulky teenager.

Have you had a look for other positions ? Is tthere much available in your industry / skillset ?

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 11:08

Get another job ASAP. I would stack shelves if I had to until something better came along.

What is it exactly that you manager doesn't like? I only ask because it seems odd to me that your DP has stayed out of it, I know my dh would find this impossible if I was being "bullied"

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:12

This will sound crazy but what started it was I booked a meeting in his diary for half an hour earlier than it should have been, and put a note in saying that it was for travel time as the meeting was off-site. He didn't read it and turned up 30mins early... I then got accused of being selfish, arrogant, thinking t was all about me, didn't I realise his time was valuable, I don't think, I am stupid and not very bright! When I tried to explain it was how I had always booked things in and that I was just being considerate, he sent me home!

The Manager is obviously a bully etc and I think DP just wants to keep out of it. DP is pretty high up too so it would be hard for him to be openly seen to support me...

OP posts:

ginnny · 28/07/2009 11:13

Why the hell isn't your DP sticking up for you FGS - where's his loyalty.
I would tell them to shove their job and tell DP to shove off at the same time if he can't be more supportive.

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 11:14

I have to disagree with you on that one Worried. I don't think it would make a difference what position dh was in, if he was a cleaner at the same company and could see I was being bullied he wouldn't just keep out- neither could I.

What has been done to resolve the issue at work?

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:15

Megglevache - I live/work in London and with rent etc I just can't afford not to work, even for a few weeks. I have sent my CV off to a few places but the market is looking tough right now.

OP posts:

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 11:16

Of course, I understand but this is not good at all. If you can't leave the company you need to somehow move on. What procedures does the company have? Mediation? Can you dh help at all?

AMumInScotland · 28/07/2009 11:17

I'd leave the job immediately, unless that means actual starvation of course, and make it perfectly clear in your resignation letter how much of a bully this manager has been and how he has made the job impossible.

Then, as a separate issue, I'd have a talk with DP about where your relationship is going and whether he thinks you are important enough to stand up for. He should not be standing by when any employee is being bullied, but even more so when it is his partner.

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:17

Very little - I think that is what the meeting is about this afternoon. The problem is that this Manager has a reputation for this kind of thing and everyone just says 'ah that's just the way he is, you have to get used to him, it'll be someone else's turn next' etc. Now I know it is totally out of order but I can't be bothered with the whole making a complaint against him, I think I just need to get out of here don't I?

OP posts:

SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 11:18

would it ? I would have thought it would have made it easier as he is on a level with you rmanager and can therefore discuss it without bully boss pulling rank.

If I worked in the same company as my DH (who is a director) I know for sure that he would back me up. His position would be of a benefit as he could approach the other person on a level (or more senior).

Obviously it is not up to your DP to fight your battles for you but if it is as one sided and petty as you say then I am suprised that he hasn't got involved.

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 11:19

I think so.

I would take some comfort in the fact that he is like this with everyone though- would make it feel less personal IYKWIM.

I feel for you- it's bad enough having a stressful work enviroment but when you are taking it home as well, that really is grim.

SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 11:19

sorry, thread has moved on. I was responding to the idea that DP's position would make it difficult for him to be seen to openly support you.

Rindercella · 28/07/2009 11:19

Oh my goodness! You manager has said that you are selfish, arrogant, stupid, etc?

First thing I would do is post in employment issues and ask for some help on how best to address your work situation. That is totally unreasonable behaviour from your manager and should not be tolerated. Is there an HR department you could take this to?

Secondly, your relationship should not be impacted by your work situation. Your DP is an arse for letting this come between you. Lots of couples work together just fine. Perhaps you are one couple where iemployed by the same company will just not work out. You should look at ways to address this and look at your relationship in isolation. Leave any work issues in the office, where they belong.

Fwiw, I think that blocking some time out for travel is quite a sensible thing to do

jambutty · 28/07/2009 11:20

What a horrible position to be in.
Sounds like you need to separate the two for now - deal with the bullying and at the same time look for other jobs. Is the office so small you don't have an HR dept and/or a union? Then sort out DP. I'd be binning him straight away I'm afraid, lack of loyalty, lack of empathy, selfishmess - IMHO. Really hope it works out for you.

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:21

I think it is dawning on me that DP has been unfair turning this onto him. the day I got told to go home I was in floods of tears and all he was worried about was how the situation would reflect back on him.

The thing is before we started working together everything was fabulous, I was so happy with him and I'm pretty sure he was too, we'd have great nights out together, got on so, so well. Now I am seeing this other side of him and I don't know if it's the real him or just a part of him that doesn't know how to cope with the situation of working with his girlfriend and what a big mess everything is.

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SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2009 11:21

Yes, you are probably better off out of the job and TBH better off out of the relationship. Because your DP is either a wussy herd animal with no principles (happy to stand by and see a colleague being badly bullied as long as he doesn't get a does of it) or he is more concerned with his status in the workplace and not wanting to be seen as the partner of a wimp/incompetent (not saying AT ALL that you are either of these things) than he is with your feelings. Whatever his justification for not supporting you, his behaviour over this is going to poison your relationship anyway, because you won't be able to forget it.

SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 11:22

" all he was worried about was how the situation would reflect back on him."

What a twat

Megglevache · 28/07/2009 11:23

I agree with you Solid.

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:23

The HR department consists of one person She will be in the meeting this afternoon, thank god.

SausageRocket, yes, I see your point, I can see both sides of the situation from DP's point of view

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jambutty · 28/07/2009 11:25

At least there will be someone else there.

SausageRocket · 28/07/2009 11:25

I can see that if he has worked his way up and his career has not been a cake walk, he has (presumably) worked hard to get where he is BUT for 'how it will reflect on him' to be his primary concern is highly unreasonable.

How long have you been together ?

worried27 · 28/07/2009 11:37

DP has indeed put in the hours and worked his way up. He's very proud of where he is, and rightly so to be fair.

It was just a stupid idea for me to take this job. It has buggered everything up. DP was (is?) a lovely guy, that much I know! But right now it is like he is my DP in name only, I know he is still so frustrated with me, he doesn't even both to send me texts or emails any more. It is dawning on me now that he clearly doesn't want to be with me anymore but I just don't want to admit it

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SolidGoldBrass · 28/07/2009 11:59

oh W"& what a knobber he must be. But at lest you have found out sooner rather than later that he is spineless and selfish.

worried27 · 28/07/2009 12:09

SGB I don't even want to admit this to myself. But I know you are right.

The problem is if I leave this job then I have failed AGAIN. If I leave DP I have failed AGAIN. 2 months ago I was happy with a job and a great DP. And now it looks like I will end up with neither? And I just don't want that to happen!

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HuffwardlyRouge · 28/07/2009 12:18

Leaving a bullyinh boss and an unsupportive partner is not failing, in any sense.

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