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I think my husband is having an affair

(64 Posts)
megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 22:04:52

I moved to be with my Dh full time a year after our daughter was born. He always said he wanted a family, but I noticed a big change in him when she was born. We drifted apart and I think he felt neglected and that his life was over now he had a wife and child, too much responsibility.

A few months after moving here (away from friends and family) he told me that he no longer wanted to be married anymore, he found it too stressful and felt guilty that he had moved me and our daughter away.

It took a few weeks to come to a head but we reached a point where he changed his mind and decided to make a go of it. This seemed to coincide with me asking him if he was having an affair.

He is close to a girl he works with. This did not bother me too greatly, as he has had female friends in past and i always trusted him. What makes this different is his attitude towards me following the birth of our daughter.

He told me he was out with a boy from work but I found out he was with this girl. He told me he lied as he knew i would not like him going out with this girl, he has in the past and told me and I have not been happy.

He texts her loads, i used to check his phone bill but stopped as it was becoming an unatural obsession! So 7 months later things seemed to be getting better between us, but i sometimes have doubts about where he is. Last week he said he was working one night and could not text me as on a special opeation. A couple of days later I came out and asked him if he had been in work. He got angry and said of course, then was in a mood for a few hours. After that he calmed down and started to be overly nice, almost false to me. He was then in work all weekend but was texting to see how I was and said he loved me.

So am I crazy for thinking there is anything going on with my husband and his work colleague? The only thing keeping me sane is going to work everyday and spending as much time as I can with my little girl, who is the happiest most easy going child in the world!

StirlingTheStrong Mon 27-Jul-09 22:23:23

I would say go with your gut feeling.

You know when something is wrong... and this relationship with the girl at work sounds suspicious. Lying is a dangerous game to play. If he wants your trust he must be totally transparent. Maybe you need to say that to him?

Hope there isn't anything going on smile

Have you told him how you are feeling?

OnlyWantsOne Mon 27-Jul-09 22:25:36

Gut feelings rule in this household...

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 22:25:53

Yes I have told him that I feel threatened. He says I am over-reacting and being silly and that she is only a friend. I don't want my insecurities to ruin my marriage, as I would never forgive myself if I turned out to be wrong and my little girl suffered because she came from a broken home.

StirlingTheStrong Mon 27-Jul-09 22:28:05

Ask him this - Would he be happy if you were listening in to their conversations when they meet - If he looks unsure or squirms a bit then there is a problem.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 27-Jul-09 22:28:58

you are his wife and she is only a friend - what is more important, your feelings, or hers?

OnlyWantsOne Mon 27-Jul-09 22:29:45

Oh, and as for "broken home" crap - please don't even go there or I may actually scream

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 22:32:16

I would rather be a single mum than stick with a man who is having an affair. That is for certain and it would not be good for my daughter to grow up in that kind of family. It's more if we split due to me thinking he is seeing someone else, but it is all really innocent. If that makes sense?

SylvieSprings Mon 27-Jul-09 22:39:00

Oh megmums, i feel for you! You mentioned 'operation' - is your DH a surgeon?

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 22:40:32

Nope, he's a policeman!

barnsleybelle Mon 27-Jul-09 22:51:43

I hate to be blunt but i would hate to be in a marriage with so much mistrust.
Regardless of wether he is having an affair or not you clearly don't trust him and how you regain that trust i honestly don't know.
It seems he is doing very little in the way to reassuring you, what with texting and lying about going out with her.

Sorry if this sounds cruel, but have you thought that he wants the marriage to end but hasn't the guts to say it? He may think that by behaving in this way you will walk away which will ease his guilt in that you moved to be with him?

twoclimbingboys Mon 27-Jul-09 22:52:09

I'm married to a policeman too. DH often can't answer his phone at some points during a shift. I don't know what to say about the rest really tbh. I wouldn't be at all happy if DH was texting a girl in work 'loads', especially if he was less than attentive with me. But I could be being jealous?

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 22:55:51

I find his work patterns difficult to keep up with. I know I am justified in not being happy about him texting this girl loads but he sees it as acceptable to do so. I think he loves me and our daughter but he hated us moving to live with him full time, as he was used to the batchelor lifestyle before. I trusted him far more when we didn't live together all the time. Weird.

twoclimbingboys Mon 27-Jul-09 23:05:32

Can he not print out a copy of his shift pattern for you, DH can get his upto a year in advance (although they may be subject to some changes)? We have one on a wall planner next to the computer. It can make them much easier to live with if you can plan days out around them and mornings doing food shops together etc.

I wonder if counselling would help or him possibly transfering so that you could move to be closer to your family?

barnsleybelle Mon 27-Jul-09 23:10:51

megmums.... you think he loves you and he hated you coming to live with you full time? That is very very sad to hear.
I'm sorry, but he needs to grow up. Continuing to text this girl and lying to you about seeing her is extremely dis-respectful to you.
Again i'm sorry, but i think you deserve better than this.

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 23:11:00

I moved here because he did not want to transfer to our local police force! That would have been so much better, but he was the higher earner so his job came first. I have a fair idea of his shift patterns, but he often works on rest days, gets off late when he has an arrest so has to sleep in the office as missed last train etc.. It is on some of these occassions that I think he is staying with her. In the past he has told me he is sleeping on her sofa after work drinks etc.. and one of my best friends is convinced that he would not be able to say he is staying at hers if there is anything going on. That would make him too messed up she says!.

AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum Mon 27-Jul-09 23:12:21

oohh, the plot thickens hmm

twoclimbingboys Mon 27-Jul-09 23:17:01

'sleeping in the office as he missed the last train'. I've never heard of anyone actually doing that. hmm I take it he doesn't have a car then?
Is he working RDs for overtime - he could get a taxi home with all the OT after finishing late following an arrest.
I wouldn't like DH sleeping on someone's sofa after work drinks personally. If we really can't afford for him to get a taxi home than we really can't afford for him to be having drinks after work imo.

barnsleybelle Mon 27-Jul-09 23:22:02

oh dear, you really do need to wake up.
I'm sorry but he's pissing you about big time imo.
I may be wrong, and only you truly know him, but in my experience this is simply not right.

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 23:24:28

He can't drive and we live 40 miles from his work so a taxi would be very very expensive! I feel quite ill sitting here thinking I have been a fool for the past 6 months, believing him when he said there was nothing going on, and now thinking there might be.

Tortington Mon 27-Jul-09 23:27:41

He's screwing her.

now. thing is - you sound a bit clingy and pathetic - i don't mean that as harsh as it sounds i just mean it as an apt description.

so - youneed to move back, get a life including friends, going out etc.

and tell him he moves back with you or he can fuck off and die.

and tell him this

"darling don't think that i'm going to be the virgin mary when i move back. At some point i will have another mans penis inside me and your daughter will call someone else daddy"

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 27-Jul-09 23:29:26

Message withdrawn

Tortington Mon 27-Jul-09 23:29:46

why hurt the person you love?

if my husband stayed with a woman from work - on the sofa and i didn't like it and i asked him to stop

he would stop - he wouldn't call me names, go into a sulk - make me feel guilty, clingy and neurotic.

he would stop - becuase i didn't like it

he sound like an utter pig grin cuntwhacker

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 27-Jul-09 23:31:43

Message withdrawn

megmums Mon 27-Jul-09 23:32:59

I guess I posted my problem so I might get some people telling me I am being silly and over-reacting. I guess that is not the case and I really am a fool. What an idiot I feel. I thought that if he was seeing this girl then he would have cracked by now and admitted to it as I was always asking him and he would always reassure. Maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it, I know he would miss our daughter dearly, and chosing the other woman (if that's what she is) over our daughter would be terrible. If I leave he will not see our daughter very often, he knows that, and he will not be very involved in her upbringing, living 120 miles away.

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