DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[OnlyWantsOne]

fucker - you need to sit down and get him to give you some answers. Yes they are worse things he could have been doing, but reallu is that the responcible thing he should have been doing with two small children at home and a concerned wife?

Poor you - is your relationship usually honest and open about stuff?

How would he feel if it was the other way round?

[OnlyWantsOne]

oh, and the "fucker" was aimed at him for being a prat, not at you... sorry >.

[poopscoop]

do lapdancers smear mens shirts in makeup?

sounds like there is more to it than that, sorry.

[MagNacarta]

Hmm, I've not experienced this exact scenario, but other ones that have the same kind of feel. He's done something daft and thoughtless, but really not enough to split over (assuming everything is ordinarily ok). You have every right to be cross.

[limonchik]

Do you believe him?

It's very bad behaviour, and being drunk does NOT absolve him. Not bad enough to split the marriage for me though.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Well, IMO a lapdance is not the same as cheating - although I can understand why it may feel that way. THe woman was not interested in him - well beyond what she was paid to be, he has not sparked up a relationship with someone, lied to you and gone behind your back over time and so on. Lapdancing is ba, but not as bad as cheating (again in my opinion, I know other people feel very different).

However, that does not change his behaviour last night, going to a club, staying out later than agreed without contact, failing to explain... all pretty awful things to do to you and he has some serious work to do IMO.

You have just had a new baby, do you think he is "acting out" because of this? Did he do anything silly when you other dc was born?

[OnlyWantsOne]

yeah actually now i think of it, not that I have ever had a lap dance, but Im sure there is a strict no touching rule.... sorry

[Gmakes3]

The make up part is niggling me too. My mind is going in every direction. I wonder if he thinks the lapdancing senario was a better answer. He to my knowledge has never done anything like this before and we've been together 11 years.

[KingCanuteIAm]

A lapdancer cannot be touched but that would not stop her leaning her head against his shoulder/chest or something.

[Rindercella]

You have an 11 week old baby and he thinks it's ok to be out all night on a bender? Whatever he was doing, and tbh, getting a dance in a lap dancing club comes fairly high on the list of 'things not to do' imo, he was totally out of order. Being drunk in no way absolves him. It could even make it worse - if he was too drunk to remember what he got up to, then how on Earth could you (or he) trust what he was doing, and what he now says to try to get out of this mess.

I am sure there will be people coming along saying lap dancing clubs are no big deal, etc. However, it is a big deal if it upsets you.

I personally think my biggest concern would be that he claims to be so drunk he has no knowledge of what he did. That would be a big, big problem to me.

And finally, I do not think he is in any position to decide whether or not his actions are not bad enough to split up your marriage. He was to drunk to remember, how on Earth could he know?

Good luck, you have my sympathies.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Oh, or leaning on him and so on - I should imagine they wear body make up too. TBH I would expect to come out of a lapdancing club with some make marks (if it included a dance not just watching a stage dance IYSWIM)

[ABetaDad]

I find the idea of lapdancng clubs utterly repellent - and can see why you are upset. However, there are plenty of drunk business men end up in them and many of them are married. Sometimes male clients want to go and it is hard for the 'host' to say no.

I had a boss once who had a young child, baby and lovely wife at home. He did as your DH did. A male friend of mine went in and dragged my boss out and told him to go home. My boss felt awfully bad about it the following day and was thankful someone had knocked some sense into him.

At least DH has been honest. He may be regetting it terribly. Make it clear to him he must never go again and extract a commitment from him. Then move on.

[poopscoop]

my opinion of all of this is the following.

He honestly set out to have dinner with these 2 chaps. Somewhere along the line they met with a female. Whether this was a lapdancing club or somewhere else. He said originally he would be back on the 11.30 train. Something happened with a woman in order to get the makeup on the shirt. I do not believe that happened in an ordinary situation in a lapdancing club. They do not touch.

He has been economical with the truth. but i do believe it was something spontaneous and not pre-planned.

He owes you the truth or it will niggle at you and come between you in a big way.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Dittany, you are right, except that (again, this is just my opinion) if someone did that at a party it would indicate some kind of attraction to him making the potential for it to be more IYSWIM.
Whereas a prvate dance being a business transaction means that the woman involved probably had no actual interest in him at all! (not that many mens egos would admit that )

That may not make a difference to many people but it would make some (small) difference to me!

[KingCanuteIAm]

Dittany, women having strippers at parties, going to see strippers on stage (eg the chippendales) etc was actually fairly socially acceptable not that long ago, it is not that far removed and I don't think there was a noticable rise in divorce rates because of it.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Like I said, the interest thing is a personal thing to me, I am sure others may well see it differently, I am just providing the op another way to look at things, should she want it.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Why? Male strippers are paid to be there, take off their clothes, bump and grind in peoples faces, sit on laps... where is the difference?

I suppose one difference is that most strippers are pre-meditated in that they have to be chosen, booked and paid for in advance whereas a lap-dancing club can just be a "really good idea at the time".

[SolidGoldBrass]

WHen deciding whether or not this is a marriage-wrecking incident, do think about his general behaviour before this. If he has always been kind, considerate, pulled his weight domestically, treated you as a human being not an appendage to him, been good in bed and all the other things that are desirable in a partner, can you cut him some slack for one mistake that does not, after all, seem to have involved violence to anyone else.
However if he has form for vanishing out on all night benders with no explanation, he probably ought to be on his last warning.