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Miscarriage and Affair

(9 Posts)
nonsequitur Mon 27-Jul-09 17:13:58


I've just stumbled upon this website and, having lurked for a while have realised what a lovely bunch you are and I need your help. I would go to my friends, but none of them are around and I do not want to trouble the people I'm with. I will try to keep it brief but I would really welcome your thoughts as this is something I need to try to understand.

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks earlier this year and it was a much wanted baby and we were devastated. Then I had to go away with work for a prolonged period (and am still away). I went away, still very fragile and in emotional pain and missing my husband terribly. I was desperate to tell someone that I'd miscarried as it felt like an enormous burden and I felt so alone. I was talking to my husband regularly but looking back trying to put a brave face on as everytime I got upset, it would distress him. I then met a lovely man who to cut a long story short was the type who almost invited confidences and, when he told me about his friend's miscarriage, it opened the floodgates for me. I told him about mine and we talked about all kinds of other stuff too. Before I knew it, we were meeting regularly and simply enjoying each other's company- he made me feel better and really safe in his company if that makes sense. Our relationship deepened and we both started to care about one another more than is healthy if you like and before i knew it were were embroiled in an emotional affair that was like a drug. My husband found out and I agreed not to contact this man again. I'm now pleased I've severed ties (I still have a lot of respect for this person as he is truly lovely) and I have fallen back in love with my husband as I had definitely distanced myself. My husband has full access to my emails and correspondance and I no longer have my mobile and I have assured him that he can have full access for trust purposes.

In order to try and save my marriage (which is hard given that I'm still away from home) I've been going through things with my husband and working out what went wrong if you like. Realising the emotional trench I found myself in and how I was seeking help from someone near me rather than my husband was an epiphany and I think my husband understands, but what he cannot understand is why I did it, why I didn't listen to all the alarm bells going off in my head and what would have happened if he hadn't found out. Looking back it now seems clear to me what a cloud I was under and it doesn't seem like me. When there were warning bells I did listen to them, but couldn't tear myself away. I am convinced that it woudl have ended, but I can see how my husband cannot understand that as it was clear how deep I'd got myself into this. I feel so stupid for what I've done and is especially galling for DH that it happened so quickly. I have told him all this, but I don't want to sound like my miscarriage is the root of all it as it sounds like an excuse, but looking back, I see a different person.

Now I've written this I can imagine some of your responses might me, 'what help do you want?'. the reply is I don't know- but some sage advice from some lovely people?

Thanks for reading x x x

HappyWoman Mon 27-Jul-09 17:32:41

Hi my h had an affair and we are re-building our marriage. It is hard work and i can really empathize with your h over the trust issue. He is looking for an answer and is questioning if he is 'good enough' for you, and that will be constantly in his mind.

It all sounds perfectly normal as you describe it and i can easily see how people can form attachments so quickly.

It sounds as if you are doing everything to help your h trust you more too - does he feel you are doing enough?

I think all you can do is re-assure your h as often as you can that he is a wonderful man and he is the one you want to be with ..... but also respect his feelings - even if you think they are not valid (ie he is being oversensitive) always re-inforce that his feelings do matter to you.

Good luck.

prettyfly1 Mon 27-Jul-09 17:54:56

Can I ask - do you feel that workign away so much put you in a more vulnerable position to meet someone else at such an emotive time. I had a miscarraige at that point too and it takes months to feel normal again so I can see how easy it would be to slip into but perhaps you and h need to put better strategies in place for communication whilst not together.

nonsequitur Mon 27-Jul-09 18:16:27

Prettyfly1- oh god yes- I think being away has been a big factor and we now communicate constantly- I let myself withdraw becaus eI was getting the support here rather than over the phone which I know is wrong.

beanie35 Mon 27-Jul-09 19:23:29

I have suffered 2 miscarriages and know only too well the emotional rollercoster they can cause (as well as the physical aspect). My heart really goes out to you and your husband, I know some people may say that confiding in another man was not the answer, but I know that if someone had been supportive and let me off load on them I would have jumped at the chance.

You are doing everything you can to rectify some of the mistakes you made, and in time I think that your husband will realise what a confusing and soul destroying experience your loss must have had on you.

I was alone both times (husband worked abroad), and afterwards I more or less told him he either came home for good or we were over (such was the trauma for me). It has been a year now, we are financially broke, but communication is much better.

I wish you all the best.

prettyfly1 Mon 27-Jul-09 22:49:34

I know it might not be possible but could you look at your working sitch - I know as well that in your position I would have jumped at the possibility of someone to confide in. Do you think your partner may be more comfortable with you closer to home?

nonsequitur Tue 28-Jul-09 06:27:40

Thank you. I have no choice over being away at the moment, but we are sorting things so we can be together when I get back. I'm not looking for excuses because I firmly believe that I am much better now with my husband but talking to other people who may have been alone when dealing with a miscarriage and their understanding is helpful.

duchesse Tue 28-Jul-09 06:47:08

The emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive makes us all a little insane I think. You may well have acted utterly out of character, and possibly out of a desire to protect your husband who is doubtless also suffering from the miscarriage. There was another thread a while back from someone who had a similar thing. I'll go and see if I can find it, because there were contributions from very knowledgeable people. Here tis.

nonsequitur Wed 29-Jul-09 07:00:09


Thank you so much for taking the time to find that thread. Its helping come to terms with things and explaining things to my DH. Looking back to how I was feeling really feels that I was in a bubble that was not me- it all feels very strange.

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