Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do you ever feel trapped in the wrong life???

(31 Posts)
DontKnowWhatIWant Sun 26-Jul-09 17:14:03

I don't know what I want really. I feel like there are two sides of me, one that is happy with her lot and wants a happy family, couple of kids, easy relaxed life with dh.

BUT, occasionally I have this real feeling of 'I'm in the wrong life'. It's like I feel like I wish i'd never even started seeing dh and never gotten married, had ds1 etc. It makes me sad to think like this but sometimes I almost feel as if it's my 'true' voice coming out. I can't say I regret having ds, I love him so much and can't imagine him not being here but I kind of regret the chain of events that led to my life being as it is now...

I have been with dh 6 years, married 4 years, ds is 21 months...

I kind of feel like I've caused this whole situation myself by not being a stronger person in the early days adnd just ending the relationship when I had my doubts.

Dh isn't a bad person, in fact he couldn't do more for me, in some ways i feel we're perfectly suited. The main issues that come up are that he's a worrier, worries about money a lot, worries about insignificant things that I would not give a second thought to for eg: If he can't get the grass cut cause it's been raining then he'll get all grumpy and annoyed till he gets it done. That leads me on to his grumpyness, quite frequent although i'm not perfect myself. The main issue i've had over the years are his anger outbursts, he is absolutely impossible to get through to or to calm down in an argument. I have been on the verge of splitting with him due to this several times and told him so. He always appologises when he calms down and says he knows he has a problem and will get help but hasn't really got any help ever. He promised to see the gp about it on two occasions recently and I felt very let down when he just didn't bother. He then said he would get a book on anger management and read it first to see if that would help (when I brought the fact he hadn't seen the doc up). He ordered the book and to be fair we have been busy lately but he hasn't touched it as yet, I just feel as if he doesn't see it as an issue...

I ave had depression after the birth of ds and I suspect have had it on and off before then. Due to this when I am feeling down it is all I can do to look after ds never mind get the housework done. He complains when it is like this and I try to explain that I just don't have the motivation but he just thinks i'm being lazy.

We had an argument today as I am pg and suffering from morning sicnkess and fil was going to come round and do some diy with dh. I said I would like a rest as felt tired and sick and he got all grumpy about it saying we might as well cancel sil coming as there wasn't enough time for me to have a proper rest before he came. He was saying 'this is just cause you didn't want him to come round in the first place'. I said no, not really I just feel awful and want a rest, how about I have a rest for 20 mins till he gets here then i'll get up again, he was like 'no, there's no point i'll just have to cancel him coming'. Anyway we had a row and he started saying that even before I has ms I hardly did any jobs around the house and he works all day and does 95% of the housework???!! This isn't true, I would say it's 50/50 sometimes 60/40 one way or the other but I do my fair share and he made me feel shit saying I don't... I was saying 'I need extra help at the mo cause I feel sick' then he said 'when don't you feel sick', I then called him a pig as I felt it insensitive to say that when I am carrying his baby and have ms sad. We argued some more, I told him I was sick of him and he makes my life a misery, he said so do I, I said I don't want to be with him then and wish we never got together sad. He asked my we made a baby then, I sadi I don't know and went off upstairs crying.

Whilst upstairs I grieved for the old me, the happy me, what happened? I have no friends here (moved to dh's home town), I have no hobbies, I feel so bored being a sahm but all the jobs here are rubbish and don't want to leave my ds either...

He's now taken ds out to give me a break from them for a while so I can rest. I can't brek away from this life, not even sure if I want to or it's a case of the grass is greener. My family all live hours away. Even if we split there's still ds and the one on the way to share between us, I can't imagine living alone and coping, I bearly cope now.

I don't know what I want tbh, just wanted to write all this down. I feel bad cause in a way, although this baby was planned I kinda feel more trapped by it right now.

letsgostrawberrypicking Sun 26-Jul-09 17:27:23

sad
sorry you feel that way. You have had alot of changes in a very short time - marriage, first child, pregs with 2nd. It is so hard being all things to everyone when you just want to be @you@ again.

Hopefully someone will come along with some good advice for you, but it's very brave of you to write it all down. It's not an easy thing to do xx

DontKnowWhatIWant Sun 26-Jul-09 17:44:51

Thanks, I just always think it and it would devastate my dh if he found out I have always had doubts. I don't know if they are 'normal' doubts that everyone has or if they are doubts I should listen to and act on iyswim. I don't feel I could ever act on them though, t would be far too difficult. Then I ust go back to 'living life' and feel like i'm trapped with no way out rather than that I have chosen to be here. I suppose I am choosing to be here but I feel the alternative is impossible.

Sometimes I just feel we're bad for each other, I get depressed, he gets grumpy and angry. I don't think either of us are truly happy with how our life is right now but don't know what to change/how to change. We both agree that we are besotted with ds. I have anxiety issues that stop me going out soemtimes, I feel like a pathetic, useless person, a shell of who I used to be. I used to be ay uni, loads of friends, out all the time, having fun, being spontanious...

Now I feel fat (ok not so fat but the largest i've ever been, 12st at 5ft 6), unconfident, lonely, sad... sad

Dh has text me and appologised, so have I, he is getting me a magazine from the shop. He can be so nice.

bottombunk Sun 26-Jul-09 18:06:14

Hi there

I can really empathise with so much of what you have written and I have been asking myself the same question only for a lot longer.

I have 2 DS, DS1 is 2.5 and DS2 8 weeks. I am married and a SAHM. I live abroad and like you I have no family and friends nearby. DH works long hours so I spend a great deal of time by myself.

We had a huge row this weekend (not the first either) DH isn´t a bad person at all and has many good points, however he isn´t good communicator and keeps everything inside, this really frustrates me as he just won´t talk. His work comes first, even before his family although he would disagree. Today he through in my face that its thanks to his work that we have food on the table etc which I took to be a criticism of me not working, paid work that is. He spent most of yesterday tidying up the house despite the fact that I do my best to tidy it every day although with two LOs and no support its very hard. I suggested it would have been better spending the day as a family but got no where with that. I feel we have no family life and that I am bringing up the children by myself.

I could go on but I won´t as what I really wanted to say was that I feel very much like you do. I love my children with all my heart but find myself wondering a little too often what if...? I have to admit that I often think I should have ended my relationship with DH a long time ago and that we shouldn´t have got married.

I have lost the old me and its becoming harder and harder for me to get out and meet people or actually do something, I have lost so much confidence and also have anxiety issues

I suppose there is the fact that like you I have experienceda lot of changes in a short time (moving abroad, getting pregnant etc) its bound to have an effect. I also wonder if it takes some women longer than others to get used to having children etc.

There are days when I visualise running away from it all and returning to the life I had before blush This makes me feel I am living a lie blush

Sorry I know this isn´t much actual help but wanted to share and let you know you´re not the only one who feels like this wink

DontKnowWhatIWant Sun 26-Jul-09 18:10:28

Thanks for posting it really does help to know i'm not alone. We also have the issus that he spends days off tidying or doing things to the house when i'd rather spend family time together...

bottombunk Sun 26-Jul-09 18:19:41

Hello again

Just read your second post and the bit where you say you feel you´re bad for each other I feel the same about me and DH. Trouble is DH would never admit this even if he thought the same. He just won´t talk or face up to the issues instead he retreats into a shell and this makes me feel even more frustrated.

Could being pregnant be making you feel worse...??? Hormones all over the place??

I feel like a pathetic, useless person, a shell of who I used to be

That´s exactly how I feel and I don´t know how to change it, I should be so happy

DontKnowWhatIWant Sun 26-Jul-09 18:43:34

I think the pregnancy is making me feel worse yes. It's just this one thought never completely goes away. Yes, I should be happy, just not hmm.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 26-Jul-09 18:46:15

I often wonder if I am in the wrong life.

supersalstrawberry Sun 26-Jul-09 18:49:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sun 26-Jul-09 20:35:55

sad supersal.

DontKnowWhatIWant Sun 26-Jul-09 20:42:52

sad indeed. Maybe this is a lot more common than I thought...

elvislives Sun 26-Jul-09 21:11:18

I always get ante-natal depression. Could this be what you've got? Did you feel like this before you got pregnant?

I've had periods in my life when I've felt like you do now but wasn't brave enough to walk out. A lot of people I know did split up and went on to find a much happier relationship.

If I were you I wouldn't do anything until after the baby comes and you've had time for things to reach a new kind of normal. If you still feel the same when the new baby is 6 months, 9 months, a year you could think again.

There are times I wish I'd done something while I was young enough to start again

secretskillrelationships Sun 26-Jul-09 21:42:09

I'm on the other side of this as my DH has recently admitted to having doubts for 13 years. I feel devastated as I had no idea. I also suspect that what started as a perfectly normal anxious thought has escalated because he felt he couldn't admit to it.

I do think it is normal to have doubts about all sorts of aspects of my life. I quit a PhD over 20 years ago as it was making me miserable and recently I've wondered whether I should have stuck it out. This is normal. But it's in the past and I can be rational about the doubts and realise I made the best decision I could at the time.

I think doubts about relationships and those involving others are much more complex to deal with as first we have to get through our own internal taboos. You don't want to hurt someone you love and have spent a lot of time building a relationship with. So it seems much better to bury such feelings and ignore them.

Unfortunately, this doesn't mean they go away. In my experience they fester and come up more and more frequently with more and more resentment associated with the relationship. 'I have doubts and now you're being difficult so I was right to have doubts' type stuff.

The only real way to deal with things that scare us is to face them honestly. This does not mean dumping them on others but being honest with ourself first and foremost. Often this is difficult by ourselves but can be helped by talking it through with someone else.

Jux Sun 26-Jul-09 21:58:33

I fantasise that there's a 'me' in a parallel universe who is single, childless and followed her dream.

Of course, there's the flip side of there being a parallel universe where I married a man who beats me regularly, I have 5 children from 3 different dads, we all live on benefits and I am probably hooked on heroin.

I think my reality is somewhere in between.

FlyMeToDunoon Sun 26-Jul-09 22:22:14

I often feel unsuited to my current life but know that basically I would be crap at any life. Just struggle on basically.

bloodyright Sun 26-Jul-09 23:49:10

Hi DKWIW

Yes, I do know exactly how you feel, I could have written your post at certain points and I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt like this. Its not unusual to dwell on the negative in your life.

I think some people tend towards depression or at least negative thinking. I know that I do. I have a terrible negative thought pattern, or at least, it was terrible, now its just quite bad.

I don't know how I learned it - probably my mum.

I have never suffered from depression insofar as not getting out of bed or seriously contemplating suicide. But, I have spent far too long thinking about how unhappy I am and how unlucky I am and oh god, just all the stuff you probably do yourself which just adds to that self loathing.

I can recognise it now and when I do I have things I do that change my head space and stuff, like if I'm moping about and I realise, I change the way I'm holding my body, start to think about how I could help someone else out, put some music on to get me up up up, go out a run, think about something funny, dance about really stupidly in kitchen (try not to do this with your curtains open as I have been caught red faced with this one far too often).

I don't know what happened but I woke up one day and realised that no-one was going to come and save me, or make things better and that my life was my own and I only had one.

I took control of my life. Started asking myself better questions - what kind of life do I deserve, how can I get that life, what can I do right now which will make me feel better.

I still have moments to wallow, but they become less and less. I hear myself now with the old - "I'm so shit, this is so shit, he is so shit. If only he did this, blahdeblahd" it won't get you anywhere.

If you listen to yourself, you'll notice that you say certain things over and over in your head, like "I'm so shit, I'm so fat, I'm so tired, I'm so ......." you've got to replace this with "I'm so wonderful, I'm sooo lucky, I'm so happy, I'm so......." It will feel silly to start off with and it'll take some practice, but it must change your brain waves or something as it does start to work and anyway, I'm rambling on and on.

I just want to know that you are definitely not alone, and that, well - that life you want to live, plan it out and live it, you can you know, its just a different way of thinking.

god, I sound so self-helptastic, but, if you don't help yourself who else will?!?

DontKnowWhatIWant Mon 27-Jul-09 08:28:01

I do think I think negatively a lo of the time but also in contrast to this i'm the eternal optomist. I know that doesn't make sense but what I mean is, when my dh is pesamistic about things i'm good at turning his thouhgts round and making him see there's always ways round things and all will be ok.

Unfortunately, my negative thoughts are mostly about myself sad. I have toxic parents, i've stopped speaking to them now after a horrendous past 4 years. I believe a lot of this poison in my head has been learnt from my mum. I swing between hating/loathing myself and wanting to blame all that is wrong on dh... In some ways he is such a wonderful dh, I don't know how lucky I am, I know he's not perfect but he's certainly a better person than me I feel.

I was thinking yesterday that really, all I feel I can emotionally cope with is being completly alone, no relationships, no children, just me. At least that way I can't fuck it all up cause my brain is defective and I always feel i'm sabotaging myself, my happiness. I think in all honesty I can work through some of the issues I have with dh, there's nothing that's unfixable. I seem to follow a pattern of pushing him away whenever I feel even remotely 'unloved', reject before getting rejected type thing (my mother does this).

I have gotten to the point on several oocasions since becoming an adult where I have thought i'd be better off dead cause i'm just so crap... It sometimes seems the only way to solve all the problems. I know in my heart I could never take my life though but I feel so frustrated sometimes that I just have that thought. I could never, would never leave my son.

If I could change anything about my dh I would have him be a bit more laid back, less of a worrier, less stressed. That's what I think sometimes when I wonder if I could be with someone I was happier with, someone more 'happy go lucky'. But then I think, well everyone gets worn down by life, maybe i've made him that way, maybe he's like that in raction to our life as it is... Don't know really...

If I could change our life for the better i'd have us doing fun things together, I'd have more energy and motivation, Dh would have a job he's happier in, we'd have some friends, we'd feel fulfilled as people as well as parents. The friend thing is difficult though, I have this fear deep down that if we have loads of friends we'll spend too much time with them and we'll drift apart emotionally, I think this is an insecurity thing...I want to feel close to him cause maybe i'm worried if we're not so close he'll find someone else, someone better...

So I think I just try and keep us in this insular, easy little life where everything is predictable and therefore nothing can go wrong. Except, it is going wrong, we're not as happy as we could be.

DontKnowWhatIWant Mon 27-Jul-09 08:34:57

Forgot to say, I don't think it's antenatal depression. Well, i've felt like this several times throughout the relationship then I always talk myself round and carry on for a while then the thought pops up again... Don't think the hormonal changes are helping though. I always feel guilty after having these thoughts and when things are going good I sometimes can't believe I ever thought them.

saggyjuju Mon 27-Jul-09 08:37:56

bloodyright thats a good post and i know thats me to a t,i will be putting that into action asap as i know i will lose everything otherwise then i will have a shit life!

Cleanitlikebanksysmaid Mon 27-Jul-09 08:59:14

This morning I was thinking of posting as we too rowed last night. To the dontknowwhat I too find your post all too familiar. it came to light that he's (dh) done his research and realized that prob best to stick it out with me because life separately would be shit, what with giving up the house, custody of kids etc. Great! Thanks! nice to feel loved! It's so nice to read this thread to know I'm not alone. I think marriage is something of a rollercoaster ride and we need to work at it, especially when it gets like this. Bloodyright I for one am guilty of the negative thoughts you speak of and I will be putting your advice to practice, thank you.

DontKnowWhatIWant Mon 27-Jul-09 09:09:09

Cleanit - Sorry you're feeling 'unloved' right now, I would feel the same if my dh said that to me. Thats why I can't speak a word of this to him, these are just my passing thoughts but they are not necessarily about him. I'm starting to think I could be with anyone and be feeling like this tbh, Hopefully your dh's thouhgts are more about himself than you iyswim.

I think one of my issues is that it scares me that i've made a choice and I have to stick with it. When things come up that mean an extra level of commitment (most recently the new baby) I feel momentarily trapped and it forces me to reasess the whole relationship... I always come to the decision to stay and carry on but I think i'm just scared of there being more to lose with one more lo, being married, owning house together etc etc.

bloodyright - Your post is very useful, will be putting it to the test.

FlyMeToDunoon Mon 27-Jul-09 09:44:25

Sorry for such a negative post last night.
I will be trying to take Bloodyright's advice too.
I hope you can begin to feel better DKWIW.
smile

saggyjuju Mon 27-Jul-09 10:58:29

bloodyright pat on back time,that means extra silly dancing grin

DontKnowWhatIWant Mon 27-Jul-09 11:41:34

That's ok FlyMeToDunoon, I also feel i'd be 'crap at any life'. Guess as bloodyright says we need to take charge and change things smile

Hinagiku Mon 27-Jul-09 20:02:15

I too can totally relate to what you are feeling. I have in the past felt this duality so much. My dp is also a little uptight - I am more of a self-styled free spirit, while he is a worker-bee. I am relaxed about mess etc, while it winds him up.
The only advice I can give you from my angle is that you have to have something/a few things going on in your life as an outlet for your own sense of self and purpose. I detect that you are a good writer and you felt better after letting it out. I would encourage you to write more, lots more and not just posting threads. You could imagine writing a huge long letter to a friend - you don't even have to send it.
Unless you are dead from the neck up, even if you are utterly devoted to your offspring, and you want to be with them, other wheels need to be turning too. I am finally doing teacher training (have dd aged 2) and it is so stimulating and interesting and gives my psyche something to fix onto other than the domestic tribulations. But even if you don't embark on something as concrete as that, try to do stuff in your life that gives your soul replenishment and nourishing. Does this make sense to you?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now