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He says nothing more can happen until I have left my husband....

(13 Posts)
misbag Sun 26-Jul-09 14:33:16

New to posting myself but have been reading others for a while and now feel able to join in!

Very unhappily married for many years - hubby has had 2 affairs over the last few years, I have put up with it but now realise that it has done irrepairable damage and I can't and don't want to carry on any longer. Have become a really miserable person within the home when hubby is around, just don't want to share the same air as him really!!! and admit I can be very dismissive of his very presence and am very begrudging of spending any of my time either with or doing anything for him. I have said on many occasions now that I want out but he insists that we can't afford to run 2 homes as we already have credit cards nearly at their limit, and an overdraft that we don't seem able to reduce. I work part-time round school hours so do contribute financially. He is adamant that he will not leave, I don't mind leaving the family home - with the kids of course - but it's so expensive to rent, I have to admdit I can't see how we can manage.

This is now complicated by the fact that i have become emotionally involved with someone else. Nothing physical to date, but I would like it to be. I find this guy to attractive in every way - not particularly to look at, he is no great looker - but the whole package just so appeals to me. We have known each other years, went to school together, and have always got on well. When ever we have met up as adults through mutual friends we have always shared our problems and consoled each other. He is now divorced and has rebuilt his life into something he is very happy with, and when recently discussing how I am now feeling he confessed that he has always held a torch for me, and had wished things had been different between us years ago. At that point it suddenly clicked for me and I realised that I been denying to myself for years what I really felt for him.

Having spent quite some time reading through posts on here I am wondering if it is that case that I have been emotionally abused for years - as well as cheated on - although of course still try to deny this as it is a very unpleasant admission to make.

Obviously it can't go further with this other guy until I am free of my husband. He has stated that quite catagorically and neither of us wants to be labelled as a cheat, though maybe you could say that was already the case as we have had that discussion? Don;t get me wrong - he is not pressuring me into anything, I know that I want to leave hubby and start afresh, but am torn in that I feel it is so selfish to take the kids away from a family home, albeit not a particularly happy one, and have this stupid sense of loyalty to someone who doesn't deserve it, along with the fact that I tend to agree with hubby that we can't afford to split up.

What the hell do I do?

In many ways is probably an unnecessary post - all the answers are elsewhere on mumsnet in other posts; but I felt it was worth a go.

thisisyesterday Sun 26-Jul-09 14:36:08

i think that bringing up children in an unhappy relationship can be as damaging, if not more damaging, than splitting a family up.

you can leave your husband and you will be fine if you do so. but no-one can make that decision except you. it is possible, a lot of people on MN have done it as i'm sure you've found in your searching.

TotalChaos Sun 26-Jul-09 14:38:46

this new guy - I think you see him as a lifeboat out of this situation - but don't think jumping from relationship into another is the answer. work towards leaving, getting finances/legals together. but don't make it conditional on this guy being around.

KingCanuteIAm Sun 26-Jul-09 14:50:07

You should decide if you are happy to leave your H and be on your own forget the new chap for a while, if things happen with him at a later date then great but you have to be prepared to be alone if you don't want to end up making a mistake.

WRT renting, there i all sorts of help out there for this kind of thing you should be ok although you may find your level of living may be affected.

Emotional abuse? Well nothing you said there indicates that althugh he has bclearly cheated on you and that is terrible it is not the same thing as emotional abuse (although it can form part of an abuive relationship IYSWIM).

Flgihtattendant Sun 26-Jul-09 14:59:06

Hmm, if a man I knew was worried about leaving his wife due to financial reasons I would question how much he wanted to be with me, and whether in fact staying with his wife was the easiest option not just financially but emotionally as well.

This is not to say that you truly have other reasons for staying with your husband, but the other guy is really neither here nor there. If you want to be with him then you cannot do that whilst living with your husband - from any point of view that would suck. So you're going to have to leave your husband in order to be with the other guy.

The real question is not the conditions the bloke is putting on starting a relationship with you (and I think he is right to be clear about that) but whether you feel ready to leave yet - and it doesn't sound like you do.

Lots of single mums are on benefits, and survive that way quite happily. Also if your house is in joint names you might be entitled to keep it - I'm not sure how this works but someone here will have been there.

Do you think your husband knows he may lose the house and thus is trying to bully you into staying?

misbag Sun 26-Jul-09 15:09:05

won't go into the emotional abuse bit, but i think its a possibility and a contributing factor - but the end result is I know I don't love him anymore and dont want to be with him for the rest of my life. He has said many times that he blames me for the problems in our marriage - but i haven't cheated, I haven't sat back and whatched as he pulls his hair out trying to cope with a job, kids, housework etc whilst I sat reading my book/whatched tv/played with my car etc etc. And I don't take to bed at 10pm leaving him to clear up, sort out the kids etc for tomorrow. I don't repeatedly tell him what a waste of space he is, how his housekeeping leaves alot to be desired/how he has let himself go!!

So many other mumsnetters seem to get the strenght from somewhere to move things on and do what is necessary to bring there relationships so an end - I need some of that strength!!!!

I know I shouldn't be making too much of the other guy thing - that's always the advise of other mumsnetters. But when you are in the situation it's very different.

I obviously need to take some legal advise.

misbag Sun 26-Jul-09 15:16:23

Fattendant - I am bloody sure he knows what the situation would be, and yes he does use bullying tactics. He doesn't want to loose the home he has - it's nothing flash but he doesn't want to be in anything less. Material stuff is so important to him. I do beleive he loved me once, as I did him, but it has died. I am not particlarly keen to down size, lowever my standard of living, but it's preferrable to such unhapiness - I just feel very hesitant about imposing all of that onto my kids.

k850plus Sun 26-Jul-09 15:28:50

OMG - you could be me!!! Infact you and I could be so many other people on here really. There are so many of us in similar situations.

Please don't leave things as long as I have to do something about your situation -I have dragged this out over many many years and it is so demoralising. I am still plotting and planning - but not actually putting things into action.

Be strong - I shoudl have done something when my kids were much younger, they are teens now and used to a certain standard of living, I am sure it is easier to change your standard of living when they are younger and don't understand!!! The only good time is now - that's what I keep being told anyway, so sort it now not later, it gets harder the longer you leave it!!

Good luck.

sincitylover Sun 26-Jul-09 17:09:28

My exh used to say to me we couldn't afford to split up but eventually he went into self destruct mode and we had to sell the MH or it would have been repossessed!!

he was def emotionally abusive

I am renting and work ft - it is expensive and have had to change expectations. Ironically exh met a well heeled woman and lives in the lap of luxury.

If I earnt less would be entitled to hb I think.

However hard it is I don't regret it and do believe better for dcs to be out of toxic atmosphere.

As for my love life won't go into details here but have experienced something which I
don't regret and made me realise how crap my marriage truly was and that life is so short.

k850plus Sun 26-Jul-09 18:19:05

Sincitylover - good to hear it worked out for you. It gives hope to those of us still struggling with plucking up the courage to take that leap of faith.

sincitylover Mon 27-Jul-09 13:47:15

I think I would have had a breakdown if I had stayed in my marriage to be honest - was married for 13 years and gave it my best shot also went to Relate (he wouldn't come).

Sarasue Mon 03-Aug-09 11:49:16

If you do leave, you will get help with rent and so on, If you qualify for tax credits you should qualify for help with rent from your local council. Go to entitledto.com. Put in all your details and it should tell you what you will get money wise. I am in exactly the same situation as you, I have set a date to tell him its over, I want the children to enjoy their birthdays first and then thats it. I have got to the point where I don't care if I am totally skint or not, I just can't be unhappy any longer. I too have a friend who I have strong feelings for and him for me, not going to rush into it though. Best thing to do is to sort you and the kids out first then start dating him, if it works fab, just make sure your ready and not doing this because your flattered by the attention from someone else. Its a big step and there usually isn't any going back. Good luck

beanieb Mon 03-Aug-09 11:52:16

Get a legal separation in place. Are you still sharing a bedroom with your Huband? If so then move into another room, even if it means using a kids room or a spare room.

then see how you want to move forward.

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