The father of my baby has turned into an emotionless android

[SwannMum]

SwannMum, I read your post just now and my heart goes out to you. What I would suggest is that you copy and paste your post into a new thread in Relationships in order to get a proper considered reply to your concerns. I hope you do - it sounds like you could do with some support and help. I thought about reposting it myself but I don't want to put you on the spot. Good luck anyway.
By MrsSpringsteen Tue 21-Jul-09 01:07:33
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great thread bookmarking it to read tomorrow!
in the meantime best of luck moll
By SwannMum Tue 21-Jul-09 00:32:36
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I've read this thread with great interest as I'm also stuck in a really really stressful situation.

I've always been very independent. I have my own house, my own car, a good career etc. I have never relied on a man at all apart from during the eight weeks I was off work having our baby. Not bad going considering I'd had a caesarian. I hadn't wanted to return to work so early but basically was told I had to as we wouldn't be able to cope financially. So I did although it was extreemly stressful. Basically I work from home but it soon proved impossible to do any reports with juggling breast feeding. My "partner" couldn't cope with him crying and used to bring him upstairs where I work so I would literally be juggling a baby while trying to work on a computer. Not good.

Meanwhile he had secretly booked tickets to Glastonbury and told me a few days after I came out of hospital. I started crying because he'd already been away for two nights to run the London marathan as well as going to York races for a couple of days of drunkeness with friends and even though I said I didn't think I would be able to cope he kept saying I would. Basically he had no intention of not going and did end up going for four days.

So I had to put up with it, struggling looking after our newborn baby on my own while he spent money on designer sunglasses, two pairs of G Star jeans, the obligatory Glastonbury Hunter wellingtons etc. I couldn't even afford to buy myself a cup of tea because I had no money.

He walked out on us when our son was ten weeks old. I was on the bed breastfeeding our son and Iremind my partner that he's due to look after him the following day as I've got work to do. He says he can't because he's going to a friend's "boozy barbeque" (on a Tuesday afternoon). I say that he can't becasue I really am behind with my work. I was still breast feeding at the time so I wasn?t shouting at all. I couldn?t shout and I couldn?t move because I had a sleepy baby on me. He picked up the Moses basket which was by the bed, on my side of the bed and flung it so it narrowly missed us both. It went across the bed and landed on the other side. I remember because the mattress, gro bag and blanket had been flung out of it and was lying a couple of feet away as I picked it up later.

The baby woke up and started screaming. His face registered sheer terror and I?ll never ever forget that face because it makes me want to cry every time I relive it. I was shocked but I calmly took him downstairs trying to soothe him by whispering to him when I was really shaking and shook up. I put him in the pram downstairs away from him in the dining room and went back upstairs to the bedroom. I was shocked and frightened that he could do that. I felt frightened. I wasn?t sure what he was going to do. He continued getting ready for work, sliding the wardrobe doors aggressively, nearly ripping them off.

He's a policeman. The thing is he now denies this ever happened, saying that he must have "tripped" over the Moses basket. Him and his family imply constantly that I am mental. He sent me a link to the postnatal depression NHS website. I think he's been given advice by his brother who is a solicitor about what he should say.

Our baby had been planned and I looking back, I had noticed changes in his behaviour when I was pregnant. Just stupid small things really. Selfish things like he's refuse to pick me up from the train station on his day off (I'd commute by train to work for meetings) when I was 36 weeks pregnant with excruciating water retented ankles which felt like extremely tight sausage skins. In fatc the warning signs should have started ringing when he would choose to go to Amsterdam, nights out with friends, anywhere but actually spend time with me when I was heavily pregnant. He even spent Christmas with his family which I thoughtwas pretty awful. I just put it down to enjoying the last months of freedom which was a huge mistake. I excuse myself though becasue I did feel quite vulnerable when I was pregnant.

I was only taking home the statutory maternity pay £400 which just about covered my mortgage and he just had to pay gas and electricity. He hadn't. The day after he left a letter threatening bailiffs flopped through my letter box ordering me seven days in which to pay. I hadn't yet been paid as I'd only been back at work for two weeks so had to borrow the money from my dad who had been made redundant.

I haven't stopped him seeing our son but I won't let him near him unsupervised. He comes round to the house and my mum hangs around. He's not happy about "being treated like a paedophile" and is making veiled threats to me like "The power's yours at the moment but that will soon change". He says he wants 50:50 access. I feel really anxious, I'm having nightmares, keep dreaming that he will come and snatch him. I love my son. He's the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't want him to miss out on having a dad but equally I cannot deal with him. I'm now at a stage where I feel close to breaking point. What can anyone suggest? Because he's on the birth certificate he has a lot of power. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm actually a really confident person. Everyone thinks I'm strong and I just feel so surprised and bemused by it all really. I don't know how to handle it. I'm actually quite embarrassed as well.

[SwannMum]

Oops, sorry I cut and pasted people's reponses onto that from another thread.

[thisisyesterday]

gopsh, i have no experience of anyyhing like this, but i would urge you to see a solicitor

[SwannMum]

I saw a solicitor before it turned nasty. She advised me to give him three weeks notice to collect his things. I did. I even extended the time by half a week on his request.

He said that he was going to come with his dad and brother. I said that was inappropriate as I would be by mself and it was too intimidating. He argued that I was being unreasonable but I stuck to my guns and said that he would have to just make another car trip if he couldn't fit it all in... at the end of the day, he had been given three and a half weeks notice.

He then replied that he "couldn't afford" the petrol. I mean he's earning a really good wage, I know what his outgoings are and I could not believe the patheticness of that statement really. It just sounds like something someone on Jeremy Kyle would say.

Basically the CSA had caught up with him and he's now having to pay £60 a week. But big deal. I had to try and survive for six weeks without any income when he walked out. He never gave any thought to that when he went to Glastonbury.

When he came to get his stuff I waited upstairs as I didn't want to get into a row. I'd carried all his stuff down two flights of stairs which took two days. He just then had to put it in the car. But he started foraging through all the cupboards and took things like the iron (which I paid for) and the best bit... the herbs! Yes, those little pots of paprika, pepper etc. I could not believe my eyes. He had also taken the car insurance papers as well and the log book. He is refusing to give them back. It's that sort of furtiveness I can't stand. He must have rifled through my documents and snatched them while I was upstairs. I just don't get it at all.

I'm going to make an appointment on Monday with the solicitor again becasue actually I don't really want my mum to have to act as a mediatorany more. She's already had to put up with him coming round and slamming doors, acting in an aggressive way which makes the baby cry and upsets her. I'm not willing to see him for the same reason so the only solution I can think of is a formal mediation service. He says he's not going to a "paedophile centre" but really I don't know what else I can do? I want our son to see his father and have gone out of my way to make that happen despite the fact he basically steals things when he comes in to my house. But I am not willing to get upset and feel all those emotions every time he decide to come round. I feel shit for days after because it always ends up as a confrontation and that is transmitted to the baby. I've noticed that he gets really ill-tempered- he cries and cries and there's nothing wrong, he doesn't need feeding, he's not tired and he doesn't need his nappy changing. Picking him up and cuddling him doesn't help. I'm convinced because he picks up on my bad vibes, despite the fact I really try not to pass them on. Normally he's a happy baby. But I'm sure it's him coming round, upsetting me that upsets him.

God, what a mess. I cannot believe what a nightmare my life is. Having a baby is meant to be the best thing in the world... and he is... but god, I was not prepared for all of this.

[Devendra]

Hi,
At least he is now gone from your home.. NEVER let him back in if he upsets you and your baby.

CHANGE THE LOCKS.

STOP HIM COMING TO THE HOUSE.

See a solicitor about the contact with your DS and your concerns.

You are well rid of this boy/man.. you sound like a lovely Mum and im sorry your early experience of motherhood has been tarnished by this idiot... you are really better off without him.

[MollFlounders]

Swann as you will be able to tell from my thread, I am probably the world's least qualified person to be giving out relationship advice at the moment. But I did just want to say that I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and it sounds exactly right to be seeing your solicitor again as soon as you can. Sending support your way and hoping your solicitor, and MNers much wiser than me, are able to give you some good advice and back up.

[mrsboogie]

he's a policeman? well why don't you ask your solicitor to write to him asking him to desist from hi various unacceptable activities including stealing form your home and acting in a threatening manner and say that if they have to write again the letter will be copied to his bosses as he is behaving in a manner unbecoming to an officer of the law.

That should put the wind up him and make his behave himself.

[axsg1]

hi, if there is one thing i know is he has no rights to the little one. his name may be on the birth certificate but thats as far as his rights go at the mo. if you was married then it would be a different case. try not too let him see that it gets to you as he will thrive off it. stick to your guns and keep your solicitor informed on everything he does.

[mrsboogie]

no, sorry that is wrong. He does have rights -full parental rights and responsibilities - the law has changed. If his name is on the birth cert the situation is exactly the same as if you had been married. Luckily for the OP she wasn't married to this tosser-a divorce is one less thing to worry about.

[SwannMum]

That's actually not a bad idea. I know, him being a policeman is so ironic isn't it? He does often use words of 'The Law' to lecture me actually. When I asked him to give me the house keys, he said he had a 'right' to this possessions which meant him having access to the house. I told him that if he didn't give me them back I would get the locks changed.

Although he got it wrong when he said it's "none of your business" whom he brings to see our son... basically he had hidden his mother (whom I do't like) in the car on the last visit when he came round. I don't care if he wants to bring round his whole family with him to see our son (whom I call 'the goof troop'), just as long as he's honest about it. I do have a right to know who is with my son. This is when it gets problematic. I just am very upfront and really can't stand such furtive and dishonest behaviour. You can't be like that over a baby. And I don't understand why he is being like that. I've really gone out of my way to try and make this as easy as possible. I've been more than accomodating with access, even though he consistently breaks my trust by stealing things from my house and scurrying around bringing his mother when all he needed was to be upfront.

It's not because I don't like his parents- that's irrelevant actually, but I would not trust his parents with my son at all on their own. They're in their early 70s (closer in age to my grandparents actually) and they're just not physically or mentally able to look after a baby. His dad suffered a botched knee operation a couple of years ago and unfortunately cannot stand unaided. They "don't feel safe" driving on motorways as it is, yet were on about getting their car fitted wth a car seat to cart my son about in. Again, I told them quite diplomatically that they wouldn't be driving my son around because I didn't want him on motorways with a couple of 70 year old unconfident drivers. And most of all, they both get absolutely hammered every night- I ould almost think they were alcoholics actually because I cannot recall a time when they have both not been completely inebriated. I don't care what anyone says, judgement is impaired the next day- especially if you'rte in your 70s and I just would not feel happy about them looking after my baby at all. Of course, what I keep hearing back from them, is the fact that I must have 'postnatal depression' and am in need of 'intensive therapy'. Basically I'm the hysterical woman.

Moreover they just make decisions that I would not make. For example, we had only been out of hospital a couple of days when his mother was banging on about how we "HAD" to take the baby to the hospital where 'Amy' (my ex's brother's girlfriend) was recovering from a back operation. I said no straight away. He was under a week old and basically I just didn't want to run the risk of my baby being around all the germs and things you get in a hospital.... Any normal person would just accept my decision, but she had to phone the hospital up to check whether it was 'safe' and then report back. Of course no hospital is going to say, 'you know what, don't bring a newborn baby in, we've actually got a load of germs floating around, and people recovering from operations are dying left right and centre because of poor standards of cleanliness'. It's just common sense really. She also looked after him for a couple of hours and gave him milk which had gone rancid. He had really painful stomach ache for two days after. I never told her that becasue I was trying to be nice.

To be honest, all the distress and pain he has caused me, is almost worth the fact that I shall hopefully never have to see his mother again, I have to say!

I am just so thankful that I have my own house and my own income so at least have a choice. The whole experience has made me value my independence much more than ever before. I don't think I shall ever let my life become so financially entwined with another man ever again. Not unless he has something to bring to the table.

From now on it is going to be me and my son.

[SwannMum]

Yes. The law was changed in 2003 so he does have parental responsibility. The thing is I want my son to know who his father is, but in a safe way. I don't want him being used as a sort of pawn, which I feel he is.

The thing is, I've done all I can. He's made it so that I don't want to see him because of all the rowing and upset and my mum also doesn't feel comfortable acting as a medicator becasue of how he was with her. Moreover I just don't want him in my house in case he starts taking other stuff. So what option is left? I can't exactly leave my son in the middle of the road for him to pick up. There will always have to be contact between us. I'm going to speak to the solicitor next week and see what I should do. I suggested formal mediation to him but he said he wouldn't go to a "paedophile centre", so my mum has agreed to resume contact even though it really means her giving up all her free time.

[mrsboogie]

what's all this about paedophile centres? the places where supervised access take place have nothing whatsoever to do with paedophiles. If he is that ignorant as a police officer it is quite worrying.

[StirlingTheStrong]

Just one suggestion - keep a diary. You may be doing this already but make sure you record everything he says and does. You may need this if things get nasty.

Good Luck

[NicknameTaken]

If he is harassing you during contact, you could apply for the court for contact to take place at a contact centre. He may call it a paedophile centre and refuse to go there, but if it's his only option, then he just has to accept it (or give up on access).

Alternatively, you could try doing handovers in a public place - eg. local railway station, library etc. Men like this can often be better-behaved inpublic.

[twoclimbingboys]

Go and see a solicitor.

If he has stolen from your home I would contact the Professional Standards Department of the force he is in and report it tbh

[SolidGoldBrass]

If the house is in your name he has no right to enter it without your permission: change the locks and don;t let him in again.For a policeman he talks a lot of rubbish about the law: this is probably an attempt to intimidate you ('I'm a copper and i have a penis so I am always right and I am entitled to enforce my wishes no matter what you think because you're only a woman and a civilian'). THe idea of threatening to write to his boss about his behaviour is a good one, too.

[SwannMum]

The plot thickens. I think he is trying to intimidate me. I've gone past caring whether he thinks a mediation centre is a paedophile centre or not to be honest. I've done all I can in the circumstances and my patience is wearing thin. I really don't understand him at all. I can understand that he's pissed off that he can't see our son all the time. I would be absolutely devastated if it was me, but it is his actions which have made things like this by threatening me, being so secretive about who is seeing our son on "his" time and stealing things from my house. If he had just spoken to me reasonably weeks ago, or even just answered his phone when I tried ringing, I really don't think we'd be in this situation now. Despite all he's done, I have let him into my house twice a week to see our son as I was advised originally by the solicitor. What more does he expect me to do?

I phoned the DVLA today to get a replacement log book. I explained the situation and luckily there doesn't appear to aby changes to ownership... I was a bit worried that he would sign my car over to himself. Am probably being over the top. I guess it's the stress.

The best bit is I phoned to make an appointment with my solicitor again today to get advice, but have been blocked. I had originally been to see her a month ago. Basically they are claiming that there's a 'conflict of interest' because my ex had apparently also been in on the same day. Since I had got the solicitor to check beforehand that he was not already listed with them, and he wasn't, this seems odd. However it is also interesting that this has happened given that his brother works for the firm isn't it. He's based in another city but is pretty high up. It seems a bit suspect. Plus the ex had stated only last week that he "couldn't afford" to see a solicitor and hadn't been to see one yet. The date when we supposedly had an appointment on the same day was a month ago, so someone is lying somewhere.

The conflict of interest bit is fine obviously but what really pisses me off is the lying. It feels like an old boys club. I'm going to contact the Legal Society tomorrow and ask them to check the firm's records. There will be a trace somewhere on their computer systems to see whether or not they are indeed telling the truth or lying. If it is the latter, it is not exactly good legal practice.

The police and his brother the solicitor. The so-called paragons of law and righteousness. What a joke.

[JuJusDad]

Ok. From what I've read there's a lot of intimidation and power plays.

Hell, I'll say it straight - he's abusing you. Get in touch with Women's Aid.

Paedophile centres. What a knobber. The way he's acting and behaving towards his child and the mother of his child, he's lucky to get any contact at all. Can't recommend strongly enough that you contact this site so that you set up supervised contact. You have plenty of reason to do so. If he doesn't attend, who looks bad? He does.

Record everything. Make contact via email or text. Buy a dictaphone for any face to face conversations, but preferably have them in front of trusted third parties.

What's that? Can't record the conversation? Er, yes you can. Legally, so long as one of the parties knows the recording is taking place, (and you'll be the party who knows), then you're fine. Just wouldn't push his face in it. Just means that suddenly you've got a really good memory...

Also make a diary of events - all dates and times when he's done something shitty (as per your posts here), and any events where he has done stuff in freont of others.

Lastly, speak to your GP - you may not like them, but anti depressants may well help you regain a level of balance in your self. Meanwhile, be good to yourself.

HTH

[SwannMum]

By the way, thanks for your advice. I shall definitely look into all the points as soon as I get a reliable solicitor.

[SwannMum]

Thankyou JusJusDad, I've just emailed them. Yes he is a complete and utter knobber. It's all so disturbing. I have no idea how things got like this. I loved the guy for god's sake. Had no idea he could be like this.

I'm keeping a log of events. And thank god. I never expected things to get to the point of solicitors.

I've already spoken to the GP as I was starting to wonder whether I was actually mad, but she said definitely not! She didn't think antedepressants would help. I suppose it's just a matter of dealing with it. Talking helps though and god, have I talked at length about this now! On the bright side, at least I never married the guy. I'm grateful for that at least.

Thanks again! You've helped very much!!

[JuJusDad]

Please excuse the rubbish spelling and grammar on this and previous post.

I've got parental responsibility (thank deity of choice), but due to the way ex behaved towards me and DD, especially her leaving me and DD home for weeks on end for various reasons, PR just made it easier for me to get residency, as I didn't need a separate order to get PR.

My advice is from a mix of my situation and info from the "seperated Dad" type websites. Small aside - those websites highly recommend that the seperated parent be nice and civil at all times to the resident carer, as anything else can be used against them come the court case.

Try mediation, hopefully it will work, but I think from your posts you're likely to need to go the whole hog of going to court. I wanted to go to mediation, but as the ex decided to take DD away for four days and three nights on a whim, I realised that my DD and I needed the clarity and force of a court hearing.

Be ready to answer any accusations he may try to level at you. Be able to show the support network you and your DS have. Be ready to protect your DS's best interests, and that will be a fair bit of work to do so.

But be clear that your DS's best interests are paramount at all times. It makes decisions you must make and the work you must do far easier.

As was pointed out to me when I was on here talking about trying to keep contact between my DD and her mum - what your ex may want is not necessarily what is best for DC, and making it easy for your ex is not necessarily in your DC's best interest.

And the fact that you are talking from a pov of what your ex wants shows the level of intimidation / influence he still exerts / abuse he's inflicted (delete as necessary).

I hope that hasn't come out too harshly or abruptly. It just makes me so angry to read about how he's treating you, and using your DS to keep on abusing you.

[JuJusDad]

If talking helps, then I suggest you either push for counselling via your GP, or do what I did - get it for free via MIND.

[SwannMum]

The only thing he has managed to fire at me, was the fact I said "You're treating me like a See You Next Tuesday". Not a term I like admittedly but that is the only criticism I have had back. That and the fact I am in need of "intensive counselling".

I really am trying to act in our boy's best interests. I want him to have a dad. I grew up with both my mum and dad, and want the same for him. I think children really do need their fathers.

I hope things work out eventually. Despite all I say, I don't want to give the impression that I'm some sort of doormat. I'm definitely not. He is however extreemly manipulative and controlling and I think I've only just realised that now. I think he does love our son. How could he not? It's terrible that our relationship has broken down. But unfortunately we are going to have to be in each other's lives for the next eighteen years or so, so it's a matter of keeping the communication lines open. I am struggling at the moment becasue I really loathe liars and this is not a game for me.

I really think in years to come, he will regret his actions. Or maybe not I'm not sure. To be honest, I'm not even sure he knows what he's done wrong really. Is it a case of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Maybe a bit, but fundamentally I just think he's an android.

[DoingtheLimbo]

Hi SwannMum - I couldn't wait 'til tomorrow to read your thread and I just have some initial thoughts before I hit the sack:

1. Find another solicitor asap. Get them to shoot off a letter to him outlining your offer of terms for contact and include the stipulations regarding his parents not caring for them and the reasons why.

1. Complain to the Law Society about the solicitors you saw before. They should never have advised you if there was a conflict of interest. There's a pretty easy check they need to carry out before even confirming an appointment and once you're on their books (presumably if you were advised, you were a client) then he shouldn't have had a look in.

1. Communicate with him only in writing preferably through your solicitor although this can get expensive.

1. Move contact away from your home. Your solicitor can make a referral to a contact centre. Ignore his comments as they will only make him look completely daft if he does make any application to court for contact. If his child was important to him, he would see him wherever and however.

1. Consider offering to go to mediation to draw up a contact agreement. I know some people will say mediation is a no go where one partner has been violent but ime mediators will want to know this in advance and may offer some sort of "shuttle mediation" where you're not actually in the same room. In a worse case scenario (i.e. if he makes a court application) you'll be told to mediate before you do anything else anyway.

Lastly and most importantly look after yourself. You're obviously doing a great job with the baby and even though your ex's behaviour is deranged fuckwittage challenging, you're still being utterly reasonable in wanting to nurture a relationship between him and his child. Hold onto your reasonableness - it will serve you well

[SwannMum]

Yes counselling is a good idea. I was thinking about that before. Weeks ago we had tried relationship counselling. He paid for the first session which was a good gesture I thought, but then he blew it by lying to me about the Moses basket later in the week, so I cancelled the second session. When I told him, he said "That won't look very good will it?" which I thought implied he hadn't arranged it to genuinely help our situation, but more as a gesture for possible court action at a later date.

But yes, individual counselling may be a good move.

[SwannMum]

Thanks Doing the Limbo! They're extremely good action points and I shall do all that tomorrow.

Yes, I don't know why I'm so anxious. I think it must be the primeval protective instinct towards my baby I'm feeling. You just don't want it going horribly wrong because I'd never forgive myself.

Luckily I have excellent friends and family who have been brilliant. It's times like this you really appreciate people and having faith in the good in humankind!