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SAHM leaving dp with nothing to her name, advice needed

(15 Posts)
stings Sat 25-Jul-09 20:35:58

How do I go about it?

I've been together with dp for 10 years, ds is 2. I own nothing.

The house is his. I left a pays-the-bills kinda job as retail manager to become a SAHM as we both believed and agreed it was the best for us.

Now I think I want out of this relationship. It's really nothing either of us has done wrong, no affairs, he's not abusive in any way and is a great dad. Just the two of us no longer get on or are happy with each other and it's run its course. He seems to think a holiday will sort things out but I'm not optimistic about it.

How on earth do I manage to leave him when I have no money and no job?

I have applied for uni this year but still waiting to hear if my application was successful but how can I do that being a single mum with no income?

Really hating I'm in this situation but hoping someone else has been in a similar position and can give me some advice.

SausageRocket Sat 25-Jul-09 20:46:52

go to CAB and find out what you are entitled too benefits / housing wise.

I think there is a calaculator online somewhere. Perhaps try this in Lone Parents too, they'll have plenty of good advice for you smile

SausageRocket Sat 25-Jul-09 20:47:53


"entitled to" not too !


stings Sat 25-Jul-09 20:59:54

I'm not a pendant, no worries.

I've tried entitled to in the past so I'll give it a whirl now with different situation.

CAB weren't entirely helpful last time I went down with something else but maybe the advisor was a bit clueless.

Would never have thought of lone parents - a realm I've never ventured into, like large families. I'll cut and paste..

Thanks sausage

Julezboo Sat 25-Jul-09 21:19:16


I did this, The benefits people (don't know what they are called nowadays they change so bloody often!) Gave me a budgeting loan to secure a private rented house, I also got a community grant for moving costs and for a short while I was on income support/tax credits and getting housing and council tax benefit.

I made sure I chose a house closer to my family for support so I wouldn't take him back and I just did it, moved 50 miles from what was my home (although not a very happy one at that!)

Best move I ever made, it was 5 years ago, I have since met and married my DH and gone on to have another DS My DS was then 2 also.

Hope this helps x

Keep posting here the support is fab.

shhhh Sat 25-Jul-09 21:20:23

bumping for you....

I know what you mean though. Dh & I have been having our ups and downs. Like you said, no big issues but something isn't connecting iykiwm...

YET it also worries me what I would do as im also an sahm....

hope you get your advice soon. x

brandonsflower Sat 25-Jul-09 21:40:16

I left my husband in march this year,I was a sahm. H in the army; we were in army housing, so I had to move out with my 2 DCs

Have just typed a long message but my board is stealing my letters I think ( see just to prove me right, that obv should be keyboard!) so I will make it short!

You can claim child tax credits ( just give them a call, fairly straightforward and they can process over the phone.

Income support, again give them a ring, you will have to go to the jobcentre after with your passport/ driving licence and they will process your claim there.

Housing benefit- if you are moving out,and can find a landlord who will accept it, you can claim housing benefit too.

Tese were processed for me within 2 weeks. ( housing benefit took a bit longer)

Sorry you are going through this but I hope
means the start of a happier life for you all, good luck smile

Also sorry for my odd post, I don't know what' going on with laptop!

stings Sat 25-Jul-09 22:26:04

Sorry just back from a long soak in the bath. Am so glad to hear I'm not the only one.

How do I go about it initially? Do I just go down to the job center and tell them my situation and let them point me in the right direction? Give them a time limit I have to be out of the house by?

Julezboo - does the budgeting loan include the deposit you have to put down for rented accomodation? I have no notion of income support - does it really help financially? Glad everything has worked out for you and you obviously have a hapier life now.

Brandonsflower I already claim child tax credits but obviously as a couple atm. Housing benefit doesn't cover a deposit for renting IIRC from a friend, is that right?
I honestly can't understand why some landlords don't accept housing benefit. I've seen it myself in the rental papers, no DHSS.

Shhh it's so bloody difficult. I'm kicking myself for not preparing a little nest egg or something (well I did but as soon as ds came along I blew it on him). In a way I wish there was something tangible we could split over rather than we just don't get along. How we always got through the bad times before we just don't seem to have the energy to fight for our reltionship anymore.

brandonsflower Sat 25-Jul-09 22:38:21

If you are already claiming, that should make it a bit easier, as it will just be a change of circs over the phone ( not sure what you get now, but am guessing you will get a lot more as a lone parent- that was the case for me)

It's a minefield isn't it?!

You may qualify at the jobcentre for a crisis loan for deposit on a house- worth giving them a call. I think you can rent from friends and clain hb, but not relatives ( not sure though, hopefully someone else knows!)

shhhh Sat 25-Jul-09 22:46:43

I agree stings...

dh was never a saver and I was sadly thats rubbed off onto me...I have a little by BUT as bizarre as it sounds I have no idea what that will get me and how long it will last..thinking about it its a pitance.

Things is I started saving towards a trip away for us all and that was from child benefit payment and money dh sends to me monthly..I also sell stuff thats unwanted on ebay and many a time dh says "are you creaming money from me" I am not and saving for "us" but annoys me that dh would think this..sad.

Dh is not in my good books tonight, I have had a crap 2 weeks as she has been away most of it BUT he came home early yesterday only to tell me last night the lads night out planned was not tonight but today at 1pm..shock.

He's still out now....almost 10 hours of drinking.He's let me down and he doesn't realised it.sad.
Its this that makes me want better. I deserve more that to be sat at home alone again. Told him this week, I can understand why people have affairs...

I can see totally what you mean when you say "how we always got through the bad times before"..I feel the same. Dh's response is remember why we got togther and the fun times we have had....I struggle to remember them sad.

Life has always been hard with us, suffered mc's before the dk's arrived and feel we have always been one big argument.
ATM,the only benefit to our relationship is the 2 gorgeous kids we

shhhh Sat 25-Jul-09 22:47:36

sorry, didn't mean to take over..sad.blush

stings Sat 25-Jul-09 23:10:09

Cheers brandonsflower. I sorta know what way crisis loans work and hopefully with me being in the system already it might make things easier.

shhhh you're so not taking over and you sound really sad atm. I think that's a lot to do with me and dp. We don't communicate because the first chance he gets he disappears off.

If it makes you feel any better dp was out last night, got up at 4 pm, stayed half an hour and went out drinking for a friend's birthday. Told me he'd be back tomorrow. God knows at what stage or what state.

I had a mc too at the start of our relationship and it kind of soured and made everything so much more harder work. He couldn't see it any more than a ball of cells and couldn't understand why I was upset and I resented him as I think he was secretly relieved as we'd only been going out less tha 6 months at that stage.

shhhh Sun 26-Jul-09 00:42:31

yes you are right, I am sad but no idea what way to turn...

I have started to see a therapist and from my comments of dh she speaks highly of him BUT tbh I have never mentioned this behaviour. Both his parents are poor with alcohol and sadly so is he. He doesn't know when to stop. He can easily sit on a night with me and have a bottle of wine (I would have 1 glass max..sometimes none) and several beers and sometimes would go onto mixers.

If that was me I culdn't function the next day but whats scary is that he can get up hangover free.shock.

I have just had another blazing row on the ohone, spoke at 10pm saying if he wasn't home by 11pm the doors were locked...basically he's put 2 fingers up to me..its gone 12.30am and apparently he is waiting for a taxi. Told him not to bother coming home.sad

I know tomorrow he will try and make it all sweet but im sick and tired of this the few times he goes out. Its tru when I say when dh drinks "i loose him till the nexy day" sad.

I know what you mean about mc's. They do make things harder. Instead of the dk's being a joy you are filled with worry from the pregnancy onwards. I never seemed to have the joy iykwim.
Dh I guess was supportive BUT his way of coping was to drink..not mine..

I hope things improve one way or another for you. Keep us updated and {{{big hugs }}}

stings Sun 26-Jul-09 01:23:00

Thanks for the un-mn hugs and right back at ya.

From someone who has seen a psych before, just be honest with your therapist. The only reason she speaks highly of him is because you have told her what you think she wants to hear. You really haven't told her the truth and opened up therefore you can't find any sort of acceptance with the problem. (tell me to shut up if I'm getting on your nerves)

I've been there in the office and white washed everything even though I'm screaming inside.

HJave you spoken to your dh about his drinking? I know I have but god knows if it will do any difference. Same as your dh his family have big probs with alcohol and I'm scared he'll follow suit.

My preg was a nightmare from start til finish. Worried at the start then things going wrong at the end.

stings Sun 26-Jul-09 01:24:06

I feel weird doing this on mn but {{{hugs}}} to you too and let me know how you get on

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