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How would you deal with my DH if you were in my shoes?

(20 Posts)
GirlsAreLoud Sat 25-Jul-09 17:54:56

DH has been having a hard time at work over the last couple of months, quite stressed but better now as the project he was on has finished and now he says he is just bored there.

Just got back from a holiday last week which was fine but he's been really difficult to live with ever since.

He's monosylabbic or just downright rude and snappy. Earlier in the week he threw a piece of screwed up tinfoil hard in my face, I forget why, then refused to apologise because I swore at him. The following day I tossed one of DD's (soft toy) dollies at him and told him it was time to get up. He sat up and threw it hard in my face. Didn't bother apologising when I yelped in shock.

I was very very upset. Told him that I considered it violence and that it was totally unacceptable to throw anything hard in my face. I took DD out without saying goodbye. He phoned back and told us to come home, was upset and finally apologised but still made excuses about how it was my fault for throwing the dolly in the first place (ok, obv I shouldn't have done it but I tossed it at him, I didn't throw it deliberately with full force into his face).

He has been rude and snappy all day, I keep asking him what the matter is, he won't talk to me.

I can't bear to be in the same room as him. Have told him as nicely as I can that I'm going to sit in the spare room this evening to watch something and he's got in a massive huff. I told him I don't want to sit with him because he acts as though he can't stand me, he just shrugged.

I'm fucking fed up of his childish behaviour but whenever I try to discuss it he turns it around to make it look as though I am being unreasonable so how the hell do I get through to him?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 25-Jul-09 18:00:03

Stop trying.

Just carry on as normal.

Don't throw anything else at him.

No more going out in a huff.

Or

Tell him to tell you what is wrong or he has to snap out of his mood.

frankbestfriend Sat 25-Jul-09 18:07:59

Agree with BakerGirl. Pretend you haven't noticed his shitty behaviour and carry on as normal. Almost as you would with an attention seeking toddler.
Ime this will go one of two ways- he will either blow up and get off his chest what's really bothering him, or his mood will slowly lighten.

kittywise Sat 25-Jul-09 18:08:36

I would simply ignore him. Don't tell him what you are planning etc, just do it. If it arrives too much longer I personally would ask him to leave.

Your relationship must have been a bit strained for this to happen. Can you think of reasons why he might be so angry with you?

GirlsAreLoud Sat 25-Jul-09 18:13:45

I have no idea why I piss him off so much, I wish he would just tell me instead of being so aggressive.

He also thinks it's his right to sit and watch wall to wall TV of his choosing every evening which tbh doesn't bother me because there isn't much I watch on TV. I was on the laptop yesterday and I played a youtube clip with some sound. He got really angry, started hitting the laptop (which incidentally belongs to my work) then threw a plate down and stormed off to get his headphones.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 25-Jul-09 18:15:20

He sounds bloody annoying tbh.

He is being a prat. Something is on his mind and rather than just being an adult and talking about it, he is trying to cause a row so he can storm out/go to the pub/leave/etc.

maggievirgo Sat 25-Jul-09 18:20:57

wow. he's an arse... download vuze and you can watch criminal minds, desperate housewives, anything you like.

why should you sit there being quiet around him all the time.

Don't bother asking him what the matter is!! He's the matter. I feel bad for you that you have to tiptoe 'round such a dark cloud all the time.

I'm glad I'm single now. Your post takes me back to the bad ol' days.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 25-Jul-09 18:31:58

Have a think about your relationship prior to this. Has your H always been inclined to sulk if he doesn;t get his own way? Does he basically think that he is the important one in the relationship, that he is the Man and you are only a 'woman' and therefore his views are what count?
If that's the case then you will either have to work out a strategy for dealing with him (treating him like a sulky toddler may work, but it may not and TBH the level of aggression present alreayd doesn't sound good) or think about getting rid of him.

GirlsAreLoud Sat 25-Jul-09 18:35:34

Ok, I've just spoken to him.

First he said it was my fault because I'm always in a bad mood. I said I'm fine, just reacting to him. FInally he's admitted that he feels depressed, I've suggested he sees the Dr, he doesn't want to. He's apologised for taking it out on me, I've asked him to stop doing that because I don't want DD living in a home like this.

No idea what to do now.

frankbestfriend Sat 25-Jul-09 18:40:18

Having read your follow up post and realising this situation is more long term than I realised, I think you should lay your cards on the table. And I think those cards should read 'cheer up or jog on'.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Sat 25-Jul-09 19:27:35

OP, is there any chance your DH is feeling guilt about something and he's taking it out on you?

LittleMissMummy Sat 25-Jul-09 22:11:41

Although he has been feeling depressed thats no excuse for throwing things in your face and not apologising - thats just rude, selfish and childish.

Not sure what you should do as he isnt willing to go to the Dr. Did he tell you why he is feeling depressed i.e is it his job or maybe that your holiday is over?

If he doesnt open up to you then things wont get any better.

dittany Sat 25-Jul-09 22:17:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumourOfAHurricane Sat 25-Jul-09 23:01:05

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass Mon 27-Jul-09 01:23:10

"boohoo, i'm going to shit in your slippers because i'm so depressed!' - is this reasonable? Really? Depression is not a free ticket to endlessly abuse a partner. If he is depressed, he needs to go and get some help. And to stop throwing things at you. It's not your fault he's depressed and you are not his official punchbag. Have a word with women's aid just to get a perspective and an understanding of your options.

jabberwocky Mon 27-Jul-09 02:34:38

This may be totally off but could he be having an affair?

Alambil Mon 27-Jul-09 02:36:31

don't ask him to stop it - TELL him to stop it

Lay it on the line; "if you do it again, you WILL be out of the house and our relationship will be in serious jeopardy"

His choice then... if he chooses to throw things and have an attitude problem after you've told him your view, then it's his choice to sacrafice his relationship and life. It's his choice to not get help - he's choosing all of this.

melmog Mon 27-Jul-09 07:00:38

What Jabberwocky said. Is there a chance he could be and he's hating himself and taking it out on you??
I hope not btw.

cestlavielife Mon 27-Jul-09 10:41:30

my ex was depressed, violent with objects etc...fast forward and violent with me/our ds.

so - what i have learned - his depresssion is his responsibility. his behaviour is his repsonsibility.

he needs to get help.

if he chooses not to, he leaves. make it clear. or you leave. whichever.

i have since had conversations with others who have been depressed - one man told me "my wife made it clear, either i seek help and take antidepressnats or she was going to leave me". he took the Ad,s got better, they still together. another friend - her husband said to her "you do something about your depression or you leave. now. " she also went to gp got help.

violence against objects WILL escalate. it isnt healthy for anyone.

the only thing you need to keep repeating to him is: your behaviour is your repsonsibility. if you might be depressed, go to gp and seek help.

if you dont seek the help you need then one of you leaves.

he chooses to be agreesive with objects. regardless of how much you "provoke" him.

if he says he cant help it, he needs to get help.

march him to GP to go thru the depresion questionnaire.

if he has no treatable depression get rid quick.

if he has depression, he has to understand depression does not equate to or justify violence.

Mumfun Mon 27-Jul-09 15:49:39

having been through this recently was thinking same as Jabberwocky. Also hope Im wrong too.

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