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torturing myself, thoughts would help

(19 Posts)
ecolightbulb Sat 25-Jul-09 09:55:42

I am torturing myself with this and would like some opinions - from what I've read this seems to be the right place!
I have been with my DP for 8 years. It was always a bit rocky but we clung on. Now, looking back, I think I was determined to make it work no matter what as a reaction to a difficult upbringing and relationship with my mother -- I just wanted my own 'successful' life. Anyway, went abroad with DP for a couple of years with a 'life plan' in my head. Obviously this involved engagement, marriage, babies. The engagement bit just didn't happen despite the gentle and then less gentle hints. My longing for a baby was growing and we were quite happy.. so for a couple of months when I hit a key date (i.e. 35th birthday) we started trying.. unsuccessfully for a few months. Then I hit a health problem and had to take a course of treatment and they advised us to stop trying. During this time, I had a rethink. Realised I was being swayed by my hormones and longing for a baby but that a) I wanted one in in a happy marriage context b) enough was enough with my partner and I was started to withdraw emotionally... After 8 years you don't just wake up and finish it. I had a conversation with DP and said that I had 'gone off the baby thing'. Those were the words I used, seems a too trivial way of putting it now, but he knew my sentiment. I also told a close relative while he was with me -- he knew. Then we went on holiday -- beach hut type style. My friend was with us and I was smoking, drinking and enjoying myself, and again told her while he was there that I didn't want to have children just then. Went for a massage, got back to the hut and he 'made advances' on me. Without talking, he made strong advances. I froze. We had short unprotected sex. I got pregnant. I went into denial. After DC was born, it all hit me. I love DC so much. But I don't trust DP anymore. I think he got me pregnant cause he could see me ending the relationship. There's more to it, but this is getting long and that is the nub. I know I have a responsibility for the situation and I take that seriously - but the guilt that I will split up my DC's parents is killing me. But I feel so angry at DP for betraying me... Am I mad?

Janos Sat 25-Jul-09 10:00:11

Could see this and not respond ecolightblub.

You don't sound mad at all. In fact you struck a chord with me as my DS was born in similar circumstances.

BTW, what do you mean by 'strong advances'? That phrase just struck me there.

Janos Sat 25-Jul-09 10:01:07

Obv I meant I couldn't not respond! Just waiting for the caffeine to hit my braincells there

TheProgRockGoat Sat 25-Jul-09 10:02:35

assuming you had consentual sex?

you are adults, you decided not to try for a baby without much discussion with your dp (or so it seems from you op).

believe it or not men get broody too. perhaps he didn't quite believe you, or didn't think it would happen, just fancied a shag.

i think you want to split up but are looking for dramatic excuses so you don't have to bear any responsibility.

ecolightbulb Sat 25-Jul-09 10:17:41

yes it was consentual sex. The last thing I am trying to do is come up with excuses. I take responsibility. I should have looked him in the eye and taken control of the situation. I know that now. There are other 'excuses' I could use to split us up. This is a more controversial one and I hate talking about it for obvious reasons. To be honest I want to 'put this issue to bed', and move on either with or without my partner. But sometimes, it keeps me awake at night. Cause just as he could have been broody or he could have not quite believed me, he could have just as easily as decided to ignore my comments and use the circumstances to try and make me pregnant. It wasn't as if our relationship by then was good. The wheels were starting to come off the relationship. He must have thought this too... What I mean by 'strong advances'... well, he was strong, silent and was staring at me in a way that made it different. Unusual. Difficult to describe but wasn't the usual way that we started sex.. (feeling quite uncomfortable now..) Janos, you writing what you did helps me validate what I have said. Cause at times I have thought I must be the only woman in the world that is experiencing these emotions... What did you do if you don't mind me asking?

ecolightbulb Sat 25-Jul-09 10:59:21

A postnote. Yes it was consentual. I didn't say no. But I didn't want it. We don't always just have sex when we absolutely want it. Do we? blush Do we? There are alot of complicated emotions at play, that I am just unravelling now... And our lack of proper communication shames me now. But getting through this will allow me to put the guilt and anger behind me and get on with life!

mrsboogie Tue 28-Jul-09 23:51:30

Does it really matter how you got to this point? You had an unplanned pregnancy in a failing relationship. Happens all the time. Maybe he did mean to get you pregnant - what does it matter now? Your child exists and you love it. What has happened in the past has brought you to this point and you would not have that child (or perhaps any child) if things had been different. You will never know.

What matters is the future. Take control and decide what you want. If you spilt with him your child will be fine and will adapt so long as you both put the child first. There are a lot worse things that can happen than having two loving parents who do not live together.

ShanBrod Wed 29-Jul-09 02:22:34

Sorry but to me your post comes across as a bit of "I really want a baby but i'll say i don't" kind of thing.
Im not having a go OP but maybe your DP was confused by your mixed messages and you both did nothing to prevent the pregnancy even after your rethink so can hardly blame him for betraying you or forcing you to get pregnant.

ShanBrod Wed 29-Jul-09 02:28:15

And like the PP said you need to now work out a new life plan including your child with or without your DP, your child will be fine and still have love from both parents and thats the main thing that matters.

aRLcat Wed 29-Jul-09 04:41:48

Eco, if you and your DP had previously experienced a bout of infertility as you mention, it's highly unlikely he would have stopped at one attempt to deviously impregnate you, were that his intention.

It's far more likely that the period of infertility you experienced if anything created a false sense of 'security' for your DP and that caught 'in the moment' pregnancy was the last thing on his mind.

If his behaviour specific to that occasion of intercourse was 'different' from usual it could have been due to many things. The unusual setting, maybe? The holiday? The thought of you having a massage (however non sexual it was, he could have visualised anything!)? Who knows!

Try to settle your mind that your DC was in no way forced upon you, s/he wasn't. You had choice, you may have said one thing but you did another and you did take part in unprotected intercourse with your DP. I can't see how he betrayed you? You were there! If anything, you betrayed yourself. Take responsibility and stop casting blame.

I understand the wish to create the best possible family scenario for your DC, particularly following a turbulant upbringing. I understand your need to find undeniable justification for ending your relationship because of this but honestly, you don't!

It is ok to end it if it is not right, it is ok to make your own choices independant of anyone elses behaviour, inclusive of your DP's!

If you are not happy, re-set boundaries, work towards happiness with or without him but don't seek justification in an event for which no-one is to blame and which, ultimately, brought you your DC.

The headshit you are giving yourself and possibly him, about this, will have long and deep ramifications if you don't get your head around it and move on from a point of here and now, not then and there.

ecolightbulb Thu 30-Jul-09 10:02:21

mrsboogie -- of course it matters how I got here. How can i move forward for my child without a true exploration of what happened? Why I made the choices I made and why his father did? It has all hit me like a ton of bricks since my DC's birth and I owe it to all concerned to understand it, share the responsibility and move forward for the happiness of all. I can't help that I feel resentment towards my DP, I really strongly do, but I need to work out if that is misplaced or not and find acceptance. I truly from the bottom of my heart believe that his INTENTION was to get me pregnant despite me telling him clearly that I didn't want to. I have been with him for 8 years and know him well. Our bout of infertility was hardly that - I had two chemical pregnancies in the two months of trying so there was a good chance. Why do people find it so difficult to believe that a man might TRY (successfully or in most cases probably not) to get someone pregnant because they want to keep them in the relationship? It is fully accepted that women do it, why not men? But the poor man was at the end of me going through wanting a child and then not. Hard for him.
Anyway the main reason I have had these awful awful feelings is the guilt I feel for my child, I didn't want to give him seperated parents before his first birthday. And surely I feel guilt because I know I have responsibility and I take it seriously. But guilt is a wasted emotion I know that and I'm sure I'll be in a very different place in a year's time but I feel bloody terrible and it's killing me. I feel like a total failure when all I've ever wanted was the opposite! But time helps and I know it's hardly the end of the world! But at the time of his birth that's how it did feel and that was sad. Also, a birth brings back all those feelings you had when you were a child and if they were mixed, then it's hard.
But arlCAT you are right, I need to work towards happiness and I am in the process of doing that. The anger I felt is fading and I can see more clearly now..

Lemonylemon Thu 30-Jul-09 10:52:49

I don't think getting your pregnant was your DP's intention - I think that you're wanting someone else to blame. You BOTH had consensual sex - you're BOTH 100% responsible for it. He may have looked at you "funny" beforehand, but then, you'd been making very pointed comments about not wanting a baby at that moment. You'd both been drinking.

So you separate from your DC's Dad before his 1st birthday. Well, it does happen sometimes and the "guilt" is yours to get over - not to visit upon your DC. You don't owe it to "all concerned" - you made a choice at the time, live with it. Your resentment to your DP is a bit misdirected to be honest.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline Thu 30-Jul-09 11:04:17

Ecolightbulb, it sounds to me like there is a bit more to this than the circs under which you got pregnant.

It obviously wasn't a very happy relationship, and it sounds a bit like you feel resentful because your DP wasn't up for marriage etc. Which is all totally understandable.

Is there any chance you could get some counselling on your own to work through some of this?

FWIW, DD's dad and I split up before her first birthday - it wasn't fun at the time, but it has all worked out well, I am a lot happier now, and DD sees loads of her dad and is a very happy little soul.

ecolightbulb Thu 30-Jul-09 14:18:08

Neither of us were drunk at the time!
Yep, it had become unhappy in the last year before the pregnancy, I do resent him because he didn't say that he wasn't going to propose, and however the circumstances, I got pregnant. It is very painful to decide to split and I guess I am just working it through.. Yes, I am booked in for counselling and hopefully I shall find some answers.. And time will help.. I am a positive person, I am financially independent and I have my friends and family. I and my DC will be fine in the long run. It's just a painful process that sometimes it helps to offload.

Lemonylemon Thu 30-Jul-09 14:33:00

Sometimes there are no answers and acceptance is the thing that is key. Anything can happen in life. I am bringing up two DC's on my own - not through choice. I did split with DS's Dad when DS was 2, but DD's Dad died before she was born. DS is now 12 and DD is now nearly 2. It's a struggle emotionally sometimes, but on the whole, we're a happy little unit and just get on with life....

ecolightbulb Thu 30-Jul-09 15:29:47

Sure. I don't think I was denying that life is life and things happen sometimes that we can't explain/want/get our head around. And you will know that more than most by the sounds of things Lemon.
Acceptance was what I was trying to achieve. There are alot of factors at play but I was trying to explore the possibility of a man 'trapping' a woman, which is openly talked about the other way round. This is obviously accepted because ultimately a woman is in charge of her own body but sometimes emotions come into it and life turns in a way that you weren't expecting. And I am just trying to come to terms with that. The reality and the dream are two very different things. Always been a dreamer me!

aurynne Sat 01-Aug-09 23:57:28

ecolightbulb, I am sorry, but as other members of the forum have said, I can't understand your fixation with the particular day of conception to try to blame your partner of the pregnancy. If you really did not want to get pregnant and happened to have unprotected sex that day... why didn't you just take the day-after pill?? You have 72 hours post-coitum to do that, and it's not an abortive pill.

If you want to break up this relationship you don't need this excuse. You don't need to try to make anyone else feel guilty, nor yourself. If you are unhappy and don't love your DP, then those are all the reasons you need. But blaming him for having a child that, in theory, you just stopped wanting, does not sound half reasonable. In fact, thinking of your DP, it sounds outright unfair. He could easily have been the one running away after you got pregnant, but he didn't. And he is not blaming you either, is he?

Just my grain of sand.

Quattrocento Sun 02-Aug-09 00:05:33

You don't say how old your DC is, but your posts have made me wonder whether you're suffering some post-partum blues.

Because I can hear the wheels going round and round in the same track in your head, and it doesn't actually sound like it's doing you any good.

Glad you are booked in for some counselling and you have a lovely DC so, lots of good came out of this one night of unprotected sex, didn't it?

ecolightbulb Mon 03-Aug-09 13:35:17

It is going round and round in my head and driving me quite mental!
Good point about the morning after pill but I was in a muslim country in a beach hut with a week of my holiday left to go so there wasn't much I could do. And of course, glad I didn't now grin as I have my gorgeous DS.
I think the theory of what I am suggesting is possible but for most it is hard to swallow -- so imagine how I am feeling! I think there is some element of truth to the story and the combination of circumstance, emotion and the feeling that my DP is not telling me the whole truth and that I was denying myself my true feelings while I was pregnant has led me to this crisis. Another point is that I was on steroids at the time and were told to not try, we weren't having sex, and I just don't understand why my DP did what he did without talking it through. And I question why I froze.. why I didn't speak up, maybe I was deep down thinking well if it happens, it happens. I am trying to be truthful and honest and I don't think my DP if he really looked inside himself, is.
I am slowly getting my head around the idea of being a single mother, and it doesn't feel nice. In fact, it feels like navigating a minefield and it's wrecking with my head.

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