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unemployed DH... really starting to get me down now

(2 Posts)
emeraldgirl1 Fri 24-Jul-09 16:36:08

I'm working, and (thank God) we have no dependents so money hasn't yet started to become the dominant issue. I worry about it, though, and it's not something we're good at discussing together. Dh is the best H in the world on almost every front but he's got the potential to be quite childish when it comes to money, never wanting to have in-depth discussions about financial future. But right now as I say, that isn't actually the primary concern; we'll be OK for a little while longer.

The issue is more that I am starting to get down and rather panicked about whether or not he's EVER going to find anything. And the longer it goes on, the more frustrated he feels. Interviews occasionally pop up, miles from his field but he'll try anything right now, and he gets super-stressed about them for days beforehand followed inevitably by upset when they all come to nothing. A lot of the time people barely even bother to email back afterwards, which is pretty soul-destroying.

We have zero support from my family (they don't even know he's unemployed at the moment; it's a long long story but they are the most impossible people and telling them would not only no result in any emotional support whatsoever but will just pile the pressure on as my mum starts hurling blame and saying how stressed SHE is about it etc), friends of mine are frankly crap at listening about this, I think it's one of those things that nobody really wants to hear about much because it's too depressing after a while when there's no good news.

I am so lucky in so many ways because we have a truly wonderful relationship and have always supported each other through thick and thin. DH got me back on my feet after a major nervous breakdown in my early 20s. I am trying to be there for him without panicking myself but it gets harder and harder as the weeks keep going by with no resolution.

TiffanyAteMyBreakfast Fri 24-Jul-09 18:46:08

Hello. Your situation resonates with me, although my situation is slightly different... my dh is an actor, but when we got together he had lots of work (and therefore money). Since we had children the work has tailed off, and he now earns a meagre amount (not enough to pay our mortgage and bills). I was working but lost my job as well. Anyway, I've been angry with him for years because he doesn't seem to want to discuss money or make financial/future plans. I won't go on, as this is your thread, but basically I just wanted to say DO get this sorted out before you have kids and are trapped together forever (unless you have a messy divorce). I've been feeling so angry with my dh over our money situation for years, and it causes all sort of nasty resentment that ruins our relationship in other areas as well.

Money problems are the biggest source of marital problems. Now I realise that I have no actual advice for you at all... other than make sure that you work out a way of communicating. Does he know that you are feeling panicked? In terms of his confidence re: interviews, does he ever look on the internet for interview tips? I was feeling phobic about interviews (had a couple of crap ones that left me in tatters) and looked on the web for tips, there was loads of useful stuff there. Would he ever consider using affirmations (like saying to yourself few days before an interview "I am a wonderful, competent candidate for this job and I am great at interviews"). If you use affirmations several times daily it basically persuades your brain that it's true. Instead of telling yourself that you're crap at interviews (and then you become that because that's what you tell yourself).

Much sympathy to you anyway, I know how worrying it can be. I hope something changes for him soon.

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