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Ok, can level headed people please come forth with their views...?

(36 Posts)
McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 13:46:59

Ok - I am a regular, but namechanged.

DH and I have been married 11 years. He has never been an "in touch with himself" kind of a guy - but has generally been a very supportive, and kind guy. He's the one who is always helping others out etc.

There have been some issues ie) keeping secrets. A few years ago I found out he was going skiing with friends by looking at his credit card statement. Even though we agreed he wouldn't go, and that we needed to put our finances in order.
A few months ago I looked on his facebook inbox, and there were emails between himself and a 19yo girl (who apparently he had met at a festival) arranging, then un-arranging (due to his day getting a bit crazy) to have drinks while he was in that city on business. I found out a few months after - but he had never gone. I would have been jealous if he told me, but I would have dealt with it. Its the secrecy that bugs me.
Anyways, I told him I was very upset about it, and we had an arguement. He immediately said that it was my fault as I don't sleep with him enough. I suggested separating - and he said that he would run up loads of debt, quit his job, and basically do a runner. I asked if he would really do that to the kids - and he replied "no, I would do it to you"

I was so shocked. Actually, shocked doesn't even cover it.

After days of me being upset, and him saying that he just said it in anger - I said that I really think we need to go to Relate, otherwise I didn't know how I would get past it.

We waited for our appointment for ages, and with relief we finally got our slot. DH didn't love going, but did say he felt better after.

Anyways - He got invited to the same festival where he met the girl. They were all photographing it last year - so if she was there, there was a good chance he would see her. I tried to be "cool" about it, but I was upset. When he got back I told him I was upset. He responded by saying he "can't do anything right" and went to bed for a week. Said he needed to think about things.

We talked again, and he said he would rather leave me and the kids than go back to Relate. He said I was just being daft about everything - he didn't DO anything with the girl, and would never bankrupt us etc.

Now he's pretending everything is fine. I feel my formerly lovely dh is now 2 very different people, and I don't feel at all safe with him.

SO - any thoughts?

BTW - I only work part time, and all my family is overseas.

themoon Fri 24-Jul-09 13:49:19

He went to bed for a week? shock

rubyslippers Fri 24-Jul-09 13:52:10

he sounds unbearable

so, everything is your fault

my DH would never ever book a holiday without telling me

the attempts to meet up with a 19 year old - in the context of your post, not on at all

if he would rather leave you than go to RELATE it says a lot

you aren't being daft - he sounds horrendous

you don't feel safe ... you know deep dwon what you should do, but it is still a big step

twoluvlykids Fri 24-Jul-09 13:53:46

as the others, I'm afraid. it doesn't sound like he wants to be married.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 24-Jul-09 13:55:39

Unfortunately you can't make someone stay in a relationship with you, or remain monogamous, if that person doesn't want to do so. However, if he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relatinship with you any more, he should tell you this, not flounce about sulking and making unkind remarks to you.
Ask him if he wants to stay with you and point out that if he doesn't, you need to sort out your finances, access to the DC etc, and which one of you will be moving house (it would not be a bad idea to make sure you have all the relevant information about your rights before you talk to him, as quite a lot of men who are considering leaving a relationship or at least having sex outside it use vague threats such as taking the children, refusing to leave the house, bankrupting the wife in order to be allowed to have things all their own way.)

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 13:56:21

Yes moon, he did - just called in sick, and stayed in bed.
I hate drip feeders - but I forgot to say that he said at one point that he often felt like "driving off a bridge". When he was in bed for a week, he said he didn't trust himself to drive.

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 13:58:15

I have asked if he wants to stay, and he always says that he just wants me, just wants us to be happy etc. He has also said that he would never leave the house.
How he would manage that and do a runner at the same time is beyond megrin

posieparkerinChina Fri 24-Jul-09 14:00:30

The list of unacceptable things your DH has done would be deal breakers for me. The meeting with a 19 year old sounds desperate.

Relate or end it, IMHO.

plimple Fri 24-Jul-09 14:02:25

Do you trust him? I think in his eyes he will think you should and therefore if you are worrying about him going to the festival you allowed him to go to then you're going back on your word.
I don't know really. My dp has said in the past that if we need counseling then that's it, it must be over. That's just his way.
Although what he said about bankrupting is horrid, you have to have a lot of feeling for someone to be that venomous.
My very lovely DP can seem like a total other person when he goes cold fish and I'm being all insecure and questioning his love/commitment etc - hasn't happened for a couple of years, but if your DH is in anyway similar I know how awful it feels.
Has he really done anything wrong? If he hasn't he may be wondering why you can't trust him.

KiwiKat Fri 24-Jul-09 14:03:55

It's not what he's 'done', it's what he's doing to you now - making you feel insecure within the relationship, by lying - which is cowardly and pathetic - and not taking any responsibility at all for the relationship. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to be truthful and treat you with respect, and he's doing neither. He needs a quick, figurative slap, and a 'snap out of it, man!'. Wish I could administer it on your behalf.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 24-Jul-09 14:04:00

McMummy - What he wants is for you to carry on servicing him domestically and letting him do whatever he wants (ie shag teenagers) because the poor thing is so stressed and confused and unhappy - the classic pattern with men like this is they like having their existing partners running round frantically doing everything possible to please them. Because he thinks he can just wave the threat of leaving at you any time you show signs of not letting him have his own way (he will either get sex elsewhere or kill himself).
Start working now on making your happiness and wellbeing not dependent on him, because he sounds like a prize knobber. Cheerful indifference to his bleating and manipulation is the only way to deal with it.

plimple Fri 24-Jul-09 14:11:18

"Start working now on making your happiness and wellbeing not dependent on him, because he sounds like a prize knobber. Cheerful indifference to his bleating and manipulation is the only way to deal with it."
Totally agree. Last time me and DP argued and I went to my Mum's thinking all over it was only when I decided I didn't care either way that I realised my insecurity was my problem and he realised that if he wanted to leave then I wasn't bothered!

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 14:12:35

Plimple - he threatened me with bankruptcy - and not seeing the kids again...surely that's "something"

But that is his view as well - that he hasn't actually placed his penis inside anyone, and what he said was just words, so I am -apparently- over-reacting.

saggyjuju Fri 24-Jul-09 14:16:55

i agree with solid,having been through similar in past,top and bottom of it is he doesnt know what he wants so you are his fallback,sorry dont want to make you feel bad,you have a choice do like my mum did and service him in all his needs,whilst he "finds himself" ie just turn a blind eye and you carry on the facade of a married couple or get legal advice and make the break before you are collecting your buspass and your man is still trying to find himself,only now hes applying grecian 2000 to his hair grin hey my dads in his seventies,still tops his tan up on his own sunbed at home and still goes upto the barstaff at his local with slimey come onsblush blush YUKK

Lemonylemon Fri 24-Jul-09 14:24:07

McMummy You need to decide whether you want to carry on living with a man who behaves like this. Don't worry about the DCs at this stage, just get yourself some good legal advice so that you are clear in your mind what's going on. Get yourself armed with all financial information, get the kids' passports and keep it all somewhere only you know about.

Threats, threats, threats - I really don't believe for one second that he'd take the kids and you won't see them - he'd be too busy trying to book tickets for the next festival....

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 14:29:44

He threatened that he would leave, and HE would never see the kids again.

It has all just shocked me as it seems like all of a sudden he has morphed into a different person.

I'm finding it very hard being around him. He's doing this thing where he gets a hurt puppy dog look on his face if i don't want to hug him etc.

Lemonylemon Fri 24-Jul-09 14:32:40

Sorry, McMummy - I read that wrong... But still, you do need to get some good legal advice about where you stand.

It does sound as though your DH is having a mid life crisis......

MorrisZapp Fri 24-Jul-09 14:32:45

Sounds awful.

I read loads of threads on here and the 'he says he'll take the kids' line comes up time and time again, yet does anbody know of any men who actually leave and take the kids with them? I bet it's very rare.

Legally he wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

If he's picturing himself swanning about festivals with 19 year olds it's unlikely he wants to take the kids with him. I'd get loads of practical legal advice if I was you, and speak calmly to him about your options.

missismac Fri 24-Jul-09 14:38:57

Get a separate bank account, now!
Then leave it 4 months. Be as charming as you can. Act (like he is) as though there's no problem, it was all just a tricky patch. & when he's cooled down & you feel stronger raise his unstable and cruel behaviour and ask how he wants you to move forward as a couple. The time will give you some perspective and clarity on what you want out of the next stage of your life, as well as making your insecure areshole man feel a little easier and less 'got at' . Also use that time to get some legal advice and a plan for if he, or you don't want to continue with the relationship. I have to say that secrecy on that scale is a big, big no-no for me. I have to trust my man, as he does me, & you may find it hard to trust again a man who shows as little respect for his partner as yours has done.
Good luck - only you know whether this relationship is worth salvaging.
Oh, BTW , have just re read OP and thought- the bed for a week thing and driving off a bridge sounds like classic depression. It may be that this is what is triggering all this behavior - mid life crisis maybe? If you think it's depression then get help, talk to your GP or health visitor. Good luck McMummy

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 15:15:54

missis - have you been in a similar situation?

Lemonylemon Fri 24-Jul-09 15:21:17

i have

McMummy Fri 24-Jul-09 15:24:36

I'm sorry to hear that.
Is everything ok now?

Lemonylemon Fri 24-Jul-09 15:31:58

Oh, this was when I was pg with DS and then for a couple of years after - I got out and bought a house on my own where DS and I live. But I have DD now too )

cahu Fri 24-Jul-09 15:42:14

I totally agree with missismac. If you can control your own emotions and plan for the future, you will be in a much better position. I resisted seeing a solicitor because it seemed too final and scary but it is'nt, at least you will know where you stand.

cestlavielife Fri 24-Jul-09 15:48:31

err let him leave?

the threats to kill himself - yes get him to speak to the GP about depression. i suspect is emotional blackmail but get him to the GP - there is a depression questionnaire they can run thru with him and if he ticks the boxes he will get treatment...

my ex would do the "i am so sick; i want to kill myself" routine - then when i got gp on phone he would say to her "i am fine" - one time i made an apt for me and sat there and said i dont know what to do and she said look if he says he is fine he is fine, it is really not your responsibility...if he isnt fine he has to say so to me in order to get help. he is an adult and you are not responsible for him.

who was looking after dcs while he was in bed?

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