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I am a stupid bitch

(18 Posts)
MustbeMadtoDoThis Thu 23-Jul-09 21:47:31

I think I might be having some kind of intricate nervous breakdown, you know? the kind of breakdown that just fucking well blows up your entire family, work and everything that matters? I am OBVIOUSLY a namechanger.

Divorced for 5 years. Terrible, agonising pain to get over. We have 2 DDs together. beautiful girls, they are my world. My XH was awful. a drunken cokehead womaniser. I lived a life of clench. That sounds weird I know, but CLENCH is the only way I can describe it, I was frightened, I was angry, I was FURIOUS. Eventually, I gave up and we divorced.

Things moved along. Parents were lost, children grew a little, I never got over him.I tried. I tried really hard.

I'm reading this back and am saying GOOD RIDDANCE. I'm living this life and and have suddenly found myself cheating on my partner with my XH.

I am betraying myself, my partner and his partner. I feel like shit. I can't stop.

He comes to me and I melt. I am his completley.


Doodle2u Thu 23-Jul-09 21:51:12

Well, that was a pretty good public flogging you gave yourself there. Shall we get on with trying to establish just what's going on and why?

Did he come to you or did you approach him?

Ewe Thu 23-Jul-09 21:51:21

Oh dear.

I can sympathise and understand, I feel the same towards my DP, who I really probably shouldn't be with but am because we have a bizarre addiction to each other.

Stop it though - or at least split up with your current partner so you are only hurting yourself.

Doodle2u Thu 23-Jul-09 22:01:52


You're bothering me now. How mad at yourself/upset are you?

C' know MN can help you with this.

MustbeMadtoDoThis Thu 23-Jul-09 22:02:32

Doodle: Thank you, I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. It was almost a mutual kind of ..eyemeet...thing. That sounds utterly SHIT. <shakes head> I am so utterly confused.

EWE: You're right. I need to let my partner go.

MrsMattie Thu 23-Jul-09 22:03:47


You can do it. STOP.

Then get some serious, hardcore counselling to set yourself some nice clear boundaries and build up a bit of self respect.

MustbeMadtoDoThis Thu 23-Jul-09 22:08:13

I have done that though MrsMattie. I have had freaking BUCKETS of therapy (that makes me sound mad!) I was unlucky and all of my tradgedies happened in 6 months.

Tell me again to stop it. Wahat a fucking mess.

Doodle2u Thu 23-Jul-09 22:15:28

So, if you got rid of your DP, therefore, leaving you free to guilt-free shag ex, would you want him back totally or just for humping? Because it doesn't sound like a right good catch to me, if you don't mind me saying.

Which kinda suggests he needs keeping at dick arms length. All well and good but 12 months from now with nothing between you except sex, what will you do?

MrsMattie Thu 23-Jul-09 22:20:15

OK. Just tell yourself:

This is wrong.

This is fucked up.

This will ultimately make me feel shit about myself and further damage my mental health.

This will screw up my life, his life, our partner's lives and MOST IMPORTANTLY, our kid's lives.

This will inevitably end up in the most hideous, almighty MESS and I will be set back even further and be even more miserable.

The sex isn't worth it. Sex is just sex.

The emotional nourishment I get from him is NOT REAL. Been there, done it, IT DID NOT WORK and nothing has changed. It is a mirage.

Now tell yourself:

I can STOP.

I can change this destructive pattern.

I am strong. I have been through all of this awful shit and I am still standing.

I will stop this bullshit behaviour for my child;'s sake and for my own sanity.

I will stop it NOW. This minute. NOW.

LittleMissMummy Thu 23-Jul-09 22:21:41

You must decide what it is you want. It is not right to do this to your DP - he has done nothing wrong but is being treated so unfairly.

Do you think you still have feelings for your ExH - enough for you to leave your DP for him?

If the answer is no then you must put a stop to it. Then its up to you to decide if you are going to tell DP.

If it was me, I wouldnt be able to not tell him, the guilt I would feel would be too much for me to bear.

If the answer is yes then you really need to take a step back and decide if you are willing to go through all that again , has he changed or is he still the man you left?

However you first must think about whats best for you and your DD's.


Lemonylemon Fri 24-Jul-09 10:08:58

OK, not very nice advice, but true all the same:

Stop thinking with your fanny and start thinking with your head......

You know it's not a good thing.

bandit1970 Fri 24-Jul-09 11:45:32

i would expect that from a man (generaly) but from a woman..... a sad day real !!!!!!

you complain he is a "a drunken cokehead womaniser" and you leave .... very good you don't deserve it.

You move on with you own life the way you want it and its what you deserve.
BUT .............

You find a new paterner is it going well ????

then you shag your EX drunken cokehead womaniser.





secretskillrelationships Fri 24-Jul-09 15:44:53

This is a slightly off the wall suggestion but worked for me in a situation where I was obsessing over someone I didn't even like. Think your worst teenage type crush (and I was in my late 30s and happily married and pregnant). I could not get him out of my head to the extent that a therapist we were working in a group with clocked it (that's how out of control it was).

Someone described it as the energy being in the wrong place - in your fanjo rather than your heart. The theory is that we often confuse sex and love and our reponses around these.

So sit quietly. Visualise your Ex. Notice where the feelings arise (fanjo would be my guess) and then move them up to your heart). Repeat until you can visualise him without the sexual response.

It made a huge difference to me. It changed the dynamic between us instantly and has not been a problem since.

Mine was a short-lived infatuation however, so you may need to continue to work on it for some time.

MorrisZapp Fri 24-Jul-09 16:10:03

This guy is using you for sex.

It's the easiest thing in the world to have great sex with somebody we shouldn't be with, but adults have to make hard choices and stick to their commitments.

Or else we'd all just shag around instead of bringing up our kids in stable homes.

Imagine what your friends, family etc would think of this, what would they say? I bet they supported you through the hell of leaving him and now you're sneaking back to him.

You know you have to stop. You're an adult.

Supercherry Fri 24-Jul-09 17:58:23

It's as simple as wanting what you can't have (or know you shouldn't). Being attracted to the 'bad boy'. Sex with the ex is always the best syndrome.

I think it's all indicative of a serious lack of self respect and self esteem.

It's just so sad that you will end up dragging others down.

The counselling isn't working Mustbemad, what counselling/therapy have you had?

Bandit1970, I think your post is pretty pointless on this thread. You have just taken the op's post, reworded it and posted it back on the thread. You are right, obviously, but I don't get your point.

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Fri 24-Jul-09 18:20:30

Here's the rub, your partner you are with now deserves better i guess - do you love him? If so, you have your answer, stop seeing your ex.
If you do not love your DP, why stay with him? Or is it casual?

BUT, my thoughts are, your ex will run to the hills if you are not attached, because he can now use you without the threat of you wanting to get to close - so, you are an easy shag to him.

So, my views are - if you dont love your current DP, move on - but ffs, give up on your ex, he sounds like a cunt. You have my sympathy you really do - i know how it feels to be in the thrall of a bastard. ITs almost like they enjoy hurting you.

I hope that doesn't seem harsh, you dont need an ear bashing, but i guess you know all of the above already

imaynotbeperfectbutimokmummy Fri 24-Jul-09 18:24:21

I think the thing to do is think about the children, just imagine how confused they will be if your ex suddenly is back on the scene, then he isn't, then he is - that would be a very bad thing.

Maybe you could use some more counselling to deal with your self esteem, which must be rock bottome just now.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 24-Jul-09 18:29:46

IS your current DP a good choice of DP for you? Or have you just gone for a 'safe' man (ie perfectly pleasant, non-abusive, but boring and a crap shag?) If so you might want to think about whether you need to stay in that relationship. Is it serious and are the DC the current P's or the XP's?
Because one option that is available to you, if you end the relationship with current DP, is to use dodgy XP simply as a fuckbuddy (though TBH a cokehead isn't likely to be that good a shag) - as long as you think you can keep enough boundaries in place to avoid getting badly messed up again.

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