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Accepting that my children dont begrudge woman who broke up their family

(21 Posts)
cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 18:15:27

Suspected husband was having affair way back in 2004. He made my life hell for a couple of years until a member of my family saw them together and it was confirmed although he maintained they were just 'friends'. (She was actually his ex wife who he was married to for a couple of years in the early nineties).

Weeks later he took one of our children on the family holiday, leaving me and the youngest at home saying that he couldnt stand any more arguing!!

However his luck ran out again as I was approached by this woman screaming at me in a supermarket, calling me a golddigger, etc. I simply said you are welcome to him.

I started divorce proceedings that year which actually took 2 years to complete. In that time he would not leave the home although I had nowhere else to go, he could have gone to his parents or indeed his girlfriends. It was hell for me and the children. I also found out during this time that he was 'bumping into' his friend when with the children on a regular basis.

I eventually bought a house last year, not before he arranged for her to come to the family home when he had taken the children out. She was banging on the door, screaming in the garden........ I called the police who paid her a visit.

They bought a house together and the children stay every other weekend. Although I am pleased to be away from him, I still slightly 'betrayed' that my children have accepted this woman into their lives.

I know I shouldnt feel that way, but I do.

Any advice would be gratefully accepted.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 23-Jul-09 18:18:29

Take pride that your children can give people a chance and make their own decisions.

I know it is awful and tempting to want to make the kids hate her, but if they are spending time with her, you want them to have a nice time and be with someone who they like and who likes them.

norksinmywaistband Thu 23-Jul-09 18:18:49

How old are the DC?

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 18:20:27

They are 7 and 12

sayithowitis Thu 23-Jul-09 18:27:13

I don't know how old your children are but even if they accept her now, it is possible their opinion of her will change as they get older.

My parents separated when I was a child. My dad went to live with the woman he would eventually marry. As children, we accepted her into our lives because, tbh, we had no choice! We wanted to see our dad and she came as part of his new package, along with their son. As we grew up, we became more aware of what had happened and our feelings changed.

Once I was married, I began to wonder how a woman, with very young children, could decide to 'get' another woman's husband in the way she ( admitted ) she did to us and our dad. I began not to like what I knew about her. Once I became a mum, I couldn't, and still can't, understand how she could walk out on her husband and two babies (2yrs and 4yrs) to go with another man. Throughout the years, my opinion of her has shrunk to the point that after our dad died, I despise her. I hate what she knowingly did to us all,her own children included.

It is hard for you, but all I can suggest is to do what my mum did. Accept it with as good a grace as you can,try not to force your feelings and opinions about her onto your DCs. Bear in mind that at the moment, they have no option but to accept her, but that doesn't mean they always will. Or that they even like her very much.

sadfor you.

KingCanuteIAm Thu 23-Jul-09 18:27:21

I understand how you feel, of course, but it is not your childrens job to be cross with her or anything else. Please be proud that you have raised such lovely accepting children. I do feel your pain and frustration towards him and her but it is important that you continue to see your children for the fantastic people they clearly are, don't let his betrayal colour that for you too. smile

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 18:35:33

I agree but the ex is an extremely good manipulator and the children are almost brainwashed by him. He told them that I was treating him so badly he had to talk to a friend and she was so lovely to him after mummy divorced him he had no choice but to be with her!!!!

He tells them that he didnt want a divorce but mummy wanted the money for a new house, etc.

sayithowitis Thu 23-Jul-09 18:48:31

Of course he will tell them what he needs to say in order that they don't blame him and her for their broken family. And at the moment they might believe him. But trust me, as they grow older, they will realise the truth, or at least as much of it as you might wish them to know. They are not stupid. It doesn't make it any easier for you now, but retain your dignity. Ultimately they will realise what a manipulative liar he is.

KingCanuteIAm Thu 23-Jul-09 18:52:37

most children work it out in the end, there are some who don;t but mostly they do start to see the behviour for what it is. IMO/E it is best to leave them to work it out themselves, don't argue or fight with them about it and let it come out in its own time. It takes a lot of restraint and self belief but havign the higher moral ground and not lying to your dc usually wins through in the end. smile

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 18:53:23

Thank you, I know the only answer really is to totally move on, as in new relationship, but not so easy in your 40's when there is sky+ and no inclination to hit the town at all.

morningpaper Thu 23-Jul-09 18:53:59

So ... your ex is back with his first wife, is that right?

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 18:56:32

Yes, that is right. They divorced in the mid nineties after a couple of years. That was her 2nd marriage and she has since been married and divorced a third time.

notevenamousie Thu 23-Jul-09 18:58:22

My mum was in a very similar position to you - at 12 I saw through my father and hated him and his then-GF for years. My sister bought my father's lies and only recently has realised, in her 20s what went on.
Now I realise that the then GF was a reasonably ok woman - being wise, she left my father. He is married to a horrible woman and they refuse to see me. My sister, who took your children's part, actually has a more balanced relationship with everyone, though she no longer idolises our father and hates our mother, she is on reasonable terms with our father and mother, and speaks at least sometimes to our terrible SM. Whereas I - who felt so morally outraged and confused in my teens - have a very difficult, dependent relationship with my mother who leans on me quite excessively emotionally, and don't speak at all to my father.

So, just maybe, your children are right. I am sure it is absolute hell to witness, I imagine it was for my mother, but you will be so proud of the balanced human beings you are going to bring out of this.

Sorry it's so long blush

morningpaper Thu 23-Jul-09 18:59:23

Wow Cahu, it's quite a story

Why did he originally leave her? What was the reason given?

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 19:01:58

Think she was having affair with man who eventually became her 3rd husband.

KingCanuteIAm Thu 23-Jul-09 19:07:56

You do not have to have a new relationship to move on! Things like that will happen when you are ready, don't push yourself because you think that is what you "should do"! Moving on is (IMO) ore of an emotional situation than anything, once he no longer gets to you and you can rise above the silliness and so, then you will have moved on - be self sufficient!

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 19:14:35

I am definitely self sufficient having retrained and recently got new job after 12 years at home with the children but I look forward to the day when he knows how it feels when the children are enjoying time spent with a man who isnt him.

KingCanuteIAm Thu 23-Jul-09 19:18:37

I meant more emotionally self sufficiant IYSWIM, fantastic news on retraining, well done - it can be sooo tough to do with DC around - espcially when you have dc to contend with on top of everything!

KingCanuteIAm Thu 23-Jul-09 19:19:57

Sorry for repeating myself, was distracted by dc halfway through blush

Unlikelyamazonian Thu 23-Jul-09 19:25:05

Hello again cahu. I definitely agree that starting another relationship does NOT = moving on. Maybe you are thinking that way because you want your exh to see his children enjoying the company of your 'new man' intimate as much. Men being as they are would more likely just feel relieved that you have got someone else and less guilty (if he feels guilty at all) and would no doubt ask the girls needless questions about him which would not be good for them...

Just concentrate on what is right for you and your happiness for now. You and your DCs. Play the field girl! Go out on a few dates when you are ready. get a haircut, buy yourself some flowers, have the odd massage and relish a good bottle of wine. Light candles, go for windy walks and have breakfast with the girls outside when its sunny.

Take a breather from men and concentrate on getting your ex and his old wife (hmm) out of your head before you embark on anything resembling a relationship.

You don't need one just to spite him and her....they will probably end up splitting again anyway - neither of them sound able to do 'commitment' !

cahu Thu 23-Jul-09 19:41:47

I know you are right,KCIA and Ua and I do feel I have achieved a lot in a year, doing my new house up, training course and landing job, settling pfb into senior school. Infact I have been so busy I have not missed having a relationship but I know how much it would get to him and I will enjoy that.

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