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Why is this happening to me?

(15 Posts)
ultimatepenultiment Wed 22-Jul-09 21:41:17

I have been with my Wife for 9 years. Shes never been overly randy but 9 times out of ten we have ended up making love with a little bit of intimate persuasion. Over the last couple of years it's become like shes not interested, and if we do have sex it's as if she just wants it over with. She always complains shes too tired, Ive tried romantic baths with candles in the window and petals in the bath. Massage, romantic movies etc but when we get into bed and a try and kiss and cuddle she say's don't or 'in a minute' and promptly just goes to sleep leaving me high and dry. I find that masterbation doesn't help and I just feel more rejected that I have to do this in order to get my rocks off so to speak. I now keep looking at other women and wondering what they are like in bed and what they are like kissing me, I don't want to replace my wife in any sense, I just want her back the way she was. She says she still fancies me and clearly loves me but apart from looking elsewhere I don't know what to do. I feel wrong for looking elsewhere but I am just so tempted.

Sometimes I think it's not my fault she's not interested so why should I feel guilty about oggling other women?

dazedandconfused Wed 22-Jul-09 22:03:12

What about taking her shopping for some nice underwear?

You need to talk to her about why she's feeling the way she is. Maybe she feels under pressue to perform, especially with you feeling so rejected? If you could take the pressure off for a bit, and let her initiate things, it might help?

Haribosmummy Wed 22-Jul-09 22:08:43

Has she had children? Put weight on?

I'm heavily PG with No. 2 and had my DS last May. I'm about 2 stone heavier right now than I was pre-children (not to mention a totally different shape!)

I didn't really lose my self confidence with the first PG, but def. have this time - I don't even like getting undressed publicly and not sure this will change after DB is born.

I love my husband and def. find him attractive, but feel like a bag of lard blush

Wonder whether that's what's happening with your DW?

ilovetrees Wed 22-Jul-09 22:18:06

Def agree with Dazed. If she feels under too much pressure from you even indirectly, she will want to go the other way unfortunately. She will know this even if you don't say anything to her.

There will be a reason for this, could be young children so totally knackered, low sex drive, not happy with her body, not happy with something in your relationship or feeling undervalued in some way. All these things and more can contribute to not wanting sex.

You need to talk to her about this but not put blame or guilt trips on her as this will drive her further away. Needs to be handed very very sensitively.

Can also see your point of view as you are seeing it as a personal rejection, which it probably isn't - you just need to know what's going on.

sayithowitis Wed 22-Jul-09 23:09:16

I think you have to ask her what is going on that has got you both into this situation. You don't mention children, but if you have them and they are young, she could just be shattered from looking after them/working/housework /whatever.

Whatever the reason though, you need to know because you can't begin to improve things if you don't know what to improve.

FWIW, I think sex should be part of a healthy loving relationship and that means that sometimes, one person may agree when they would maybe rather fall asleep, just because they love their partner and want to do something nice for them. A book I once read likened it to giving a very special gift.

And if she is not prepared to compromise, yes, I see no reason why you shouldn't look elswhere.

mrsboogie Wed 22-Jul-09 23:14:05

You need to talk about it now before things go irretrievably wrong

not to sure about the spontaneous underwear shopping though - I am over weight and would DIE in that situation

aRLcat Wed 22-Jul-09 23:35:17

Are you just 'looking' or seriously considering shagging around?

If she's aware of you 'oggling' other women, it's probably doing sod all for her self confidence.

Maybe concentrating your efforts on things less sexual than romantic baths, candles, blahdeblah might help?

i.e. in displaying this behaviour it's blatant that you're after a shag when maybe what she needs, to feel more up for it, is general appreciation and support? If so, the rest will usually follow.

When with my X, a romantic bath would have done a whole lot less for my libido than a weeks worth of washing up or cooking that would have got me in the mood!

I would have felt much more like showing and sharing my appreciation and happiness than a direct and overt attempt at irrelevant romantic beddery....although both would have been nice wink

If you're considering shagging around behind her back, dont. Come to a mutual and balanced agreement or have the spine to leave first if this is a problem you and she really can't sort out smile

purpleduck Wed 22-Jul-09 23:56:14

Can you do more of the evening chores? Maybe she won't be so tired.

One thing that REALLY puts me off is when dh expects sex. I swear he would get more if he would just have a cuddle and a chat without the expectation. Its almost tangible!

So maybe try that..for a few nights just give her a cuddle without any expectations - just chat a bit, then YOU say goodnight and roll over.
Good Luck

Also - not being patronising, but women carry other parts of the relationship to bed. So if you are not doing your share (not saying thats the case - just using it as an example) - she is laying in bed thinking "oh god, he didn't help make the kids lunches again. It does not help to get one in the mood

purpleduck Wed 22-Jul-09 23:57:27

btw, porn is porn, NOT "romantic films" grin

aRLcat Thu 23-Jul-09 00:29:23

pmsl @ purpleduck re. porn grin

ultimatepenultiment, btw, this isn't just happening to you!

LovelyDear Thu 23-Jul-09 00:36:32

is she worried about unplanned conception? maybe you should offer to get the snip.

HappyWoman Thu 23-Jul-09 07:50:03

I should think she feels under even more pressure if you are 'doing' the romantic things like baths - she probably thinks 'here we go again he wants sex again'. And this will just put her off even more.
I think if you have a talk with her - although it will be difficult and she may not want to open up for a while, you should suggest you dont even put any pressure for sex for a set amount of time.
She probably can already feel you are looking elsewhere too and this will make her back off even more - as you are 'proving' you dont love her by doing this iyswim.

Knowing and feeling you are loved is far more sexy than having your man set the scene so he can 'get his rocks off' and not be tempted elsewhere.

OrmIrian Thu 23-Jul-09 08:13:04

Cut out the 'romantic' things. And definitely don't buy her bloody underwear. Those things come with a price-tag that says 'I expect sex'. So it's hard to relax and enjoy them. Take on more of the housework, be nice to her(by that I mean do little things for her like make a cup of tea, make more effort to tidy up after yourself and the DC (??), give her a non-sexual cuddle, ask her about her day).

I am not a very sexual person but find my libido hides itself away even further when I am feeling more stressed and tired. And I find that living in a messy chaotic house makes me stressed, as does unfortunately being the only one to clean up hmm.

Sex is part of the rest of your lives together not a seperate part.

ABetaDad Thu 23-Jul-09 08:45:06

Sex is a very important part of a loving relationship and without it there is almost always unhappiness for at least one person. The overtly romantic stuff though is not really the way to go.

Doing your fair share of the house work, cooking, childcare and making sure DW gets plenty of rest and she has a fullfilling life outside the bedroom is a really big help. Sounds mundane but it works better than buying her sexy underwear.

Is your DW unhappy with your relationship, stressed about money or her job, is she ill in some way, has she got thyroid problems, diabetes, is she just exhausted from 24/7 childcare, breastfeeding can reduce libido, being overweight, or even just feeling overweight and ugly, there are many physical and emotional reasons that could be in play. Are there any of these factors that are apparent? Seeing a GP and getting physical and health issues sorted and talking to her openly about emotional issues or even it may be worth considering counselling.

On the practical side. Me and DW found that going to bed early was also a big help rather than leaving it to the end of the day at 11.00 p.m. It leaves a lot more time and we were less tired.

Also, how often are you actually having sex? You say 9 out of 10 times it happens, but if that is every day or every other day that may be just too much for her. After we have had sex, i find taking sex off the agenda completely for a few days and just enjoying a kiss and cuddle without expectation or pressure is a big help. I also try and compliment DW on what she is wearing and how her hair looks, a litle smile or a kiss and 'you look nice' is quiet a romantic thing to do but there is no price tag attached. She does the same to me.

At the end of the day though, if your DW just does not want sex, she has to be honest about that and allow you to go outside the relationship. It is not fair for one person who has a libido to be imprisoned in a monogomous relationship with someone who has no libido and who is not willing to deal with their low libido.

Incidentally, it is not a solution either for your DW to just endure sex or try and avoid it as much as possible and then do it to just keep the peace. That will make you feel rotten becuase you know she is not enjoying it and she will feel rotten having to do it.

ultimatepenultiment Sat 25-Jul-09 19:51:39

Thanks everyone, I have tried all combinations of the above. DW would likely agree I do my share around the house if not more. For the record, none of the romantic baths or anything have ever been for anything other than to make her feel special. Obviously I wouldn't say no if things were to procede. I think a lot of the problem has been my absolute bluntness when it comes to sex, I have no problems discussing it but I think DW is a little bit uncomfortable with it.

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