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Swings and roundabouts - should we be together?

(6 Posts)
dazedandconfused Wed 22-Jul-09 19:50:50

Ex-H and I separated nearly two years ago, and have been trying to work our way back together for over a year. We went to counselling last Spring, which went well, but it has taken a very long time to build trust, and to sort out what went wrong. We were together 16 years, married 7. I felt we should live together and sort things as we went along; he wanted to rebuild the relationship before commiting to cohabitation again. I ended up feeling rejected as we coasted along endlessly, and a few weeks ago had a brief relationship with someone else. I ended it because ex-H was very upset (and it wasn't serious, although the other man did give me a lot of emotional support, which I felt I hadn't had in a long time).

We always had a slightly odd sexual relationship - for years it seemed that when one of us wanted sex, the other didn't. For the last few years this became me wanting sex and him not being very bothered. However, despite that we managed to conceive our lovely DCs.

We have stayed close since splitting, and try to spend time together with the children. One big difficulty is that our DS has now been diagnosed with Asperger's - which explains some of the extreme stress we were under - and we try to support each other in coping with his behaviour.

Although living on my own with the DCs has been tough and lonely, I have loved the freedom, and the time to do some of my own things.

Having ended the new relationship a few weeks ago, I have been trying hard to focus on moving forward the relationship with my ex-husband again ? as soon as the other man was gone, he started making much more effort with me. Ex-H has been very tearful and panicky, not sleeping, and I feel very guilty for having made him feel this way. However, one of the issues in our relationship is that I felt I was the emotional supporter - now I'm doing it again, and am finding it really hard to have an equal relationship with this dynamic. Now, suddenly, after the past 15 months of not being interested, he wants us to have a physical relationship again, but I feel really turned off. I feel terrible because I want everything to be good for us and the children.

Is there anyone with experience of how this 'turned off' feeling can change? I'm wondering if it's because of the emotional pressure that I am reacting this way.

Sorry it's so long-winded.

dazedandconfused Wed 22-Jul-09 20:42:33


anyone been separated and got back togther??

norksinmywaistband Wed 22-Jul-09 20:50:13

I am in a similar position, split 7 months ago and although we both say we want to be together, action on his side is not what I would like. Still wants to keep his flat on where I am like you and would prefer to work things through as a couple.

What ( if you dont mind me asking) was the reason for the initial split.

My Dh left me and I was quite happy with things, which is why I feel we are in the current dynamic.
That and he is a bit controlling.

There are other MNers who have reunited recently so it can happen

dazedandconfused Wed 22-Jul-09 21:01:40

hi norks

The reason for initial split was complex -
I was depressed and isolated, living in horrible rented accommodation, him working a lot, leaving childcare to me etc

I met someone else. Nothing happened, but I had feelings for the other person which I told ex-H (big mistake!)

Ex-H had an affair with a mutual friend

We tried to reconcile but I was really angry, confused, nneded space so insisted on split

I initiated counselling and feel I've been making a lot more positive effort ... until the relationship with OM. Now want to get things back on track but arghh! it's such hard work!

Have you been for counselling as a couple?

norksinmywaistband Thu 23-Jul-09 12:52:59

Not yet, we have had separte counselling and have discussed going as a couple but he is being a bit of a heel dragger and I don't want to fork out for an appointment if he is not going to turn up

bandit1970 Fri 24-Jul-09 12:30:21

STOP STOP STOP .........."Ex-H has been very tearful and panicky, not sleeping, and I feel very guilty for having made him feel this way"

maybe he realises that he has messed you around and could loose you and is using the sympathy card and all the emotional rubbish so he can hold on to you.

Get hold of your self woman take controll, you also said that "I have loved the freedom, and the time to do some of my own things." ...kep to that it makes you happy

if he does not TURN YOU ON....... and you get back together, how do you expect to have a lasting and meaningfull relationship ????

i say remain friends and help the kids as much as possible together, and find a good man to make love to as much as possible BECAUSE YOU BOUTH WANT TO AND YOU BOTH FIND EACH OTHER SEXY


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