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You thoughts please!

(18 Posts)
irritated Sat 21-May-05 19:26:30

I have a friend who is quite emotionally needy, often depressed and always in need of a emotional boost. Or advice that she never takes.
I am getting rather tired of it. Its the same problems over and over and although theres solutions nothing changes.
Have you been through this? How did you deal with it. Thoughts please!

Socci Sat 21-May-05 19:29:51

Message withdrawn

WigWamBam Sat 21-May-05 19:32:53

I think it depends on how close a friend she is, and how hard it would be for her to make the changes that she needs to see. It's always easier to see things clearly and to see the solution when you're outside of the situation, and she may just not have the strength or the courage to make the changes that she needs to make. Not knowing what those changes are, it's difficult to say much more.

If she's the sort of friend you care about and want to keep, then it shouldn't matter how often you have to say the same thing; you may feel it's like banging your head against a wall, but one day she will be ready to act, and then she will need your support.

mancmum Sat 21-May-05 19:33:07

BEEN there!!! had a friend exactly like that and after 4 years of having the same conversations, giving her the same advice and watching her do what she was going to do anyway despite all my counselling otherwise, I decided that there really was nothing leftr in our friendship and broke off all communication... felt great and made me realise that I had never gotten anything abck from her ... it was support all the way from me but she would always ignore advice... after one 5 hour phone call, I just decided that was it...

Friendships have a natual time span and I think you have very few friends for ever... some just come into our lives for a few weeks/months/years.. they serve a purpose for that time in our lives and then we should all move on... I did , never regreted it and would totally advise you to do the same!!

PS you can ignore this advice as quite used to it!!

Blossomhill Sat 21-May-05 19:35:23

Yes I find people like this very draining indeed. I dislike nothing more then to spend ages giving someone advice and them to not listen is actually what you say, irritating
Not that my advice is always right of course

Tortington Sat 21-May-05 19:40:21

yes i have a very close friend who just likes the drama. she is reallynot interesting in resolving her situations rather moaning and whinging about them. so i just nod a lot and listen. i dont give advice and try and change the subject matter to something lighter often. needless to say after nearly 7 years of this i try to plan my time so as i dont have to spend ages with her. its a shame but there you go.

trefusis Sat 21-May-05 19:46:16

Message withdrawn

irritated Sat 21-May-05 20:14:30

Big Sigh. I am beginning to feel as some of you have done that she doesnt want answers to the problems. Oh dear. I dont want to lose her friendship so i think im going to not comment on situations then she might get the hint that im fed up with it. I hope so anyway.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

Satine Sat 21-May-05 20:40:24

If you've reached the stage where the friendship is teetering on the brink anyway you could write and explain how you feel - then at least she'll know why things have cooled off and might change if she wants things to continue.

tamula Sat 21-May-05 20:47:42

In situations like these, I find it best to distance myself emotionally and just be a shoulder for them to lean on or an ear to listen. If you actually take on board what they are saying or what your saying even! It can begin to do your head in, I suppose it depends how close a friend she is.

Muller Sat 21-May-05 21:35:03

Difficult one. I have a friend exactly the same. Trouble is if i do appear a bit cool when she rings, i normally feel guilty and end up ringing her later to check she is ok and am back to square 1 - so whats the point!! Find it easier just to leave the answer phone on when i cant be bothered to listen

Janna Sun 22-May-05 16:46:39

irritated, do we know the same person lol.
I have a friend like this too. I've tried to be as supportive as I can to my friend but at the moment I don't feel like I'm getting anything back. I know the problems that she's had but she will not take advice from me or her other friends. She is a very needy person and does need proffesional help but refuses to take on grounds that 'it will be on her records and can harm her case in court'Everyone including the family group workers at the childrens group we go to has done thier best to help her but it's the same old story.
I felt unable to cope with her problems and I decided to keep a distance as much as I could. I also found that underneath she wasn't a very nice person anyway (although some of that may be due to her probs)I found her very selfish, uninterested in my problems, she would make snide little comments to me about me having a home volunteer when she didn't, make comments about 'the scruffy mothers taking the kids to school with a scrap of make up on and aren't they rough', well she knew full bloody well that was me. She would ring me at teatime even thought I asked her not too. She's also ripped me and a few others off at family group which wasn't on and the last straw for me was when her dd aged 3 violently snatched a toy of my dd aged 2,laughed in her face and went to spit at her and I jumped in then, and my friend just sat there and smiled.

I ask how she is when I see and listen to her probs for a bit but I can't do any more than that now. She drained and upset me, last week she shit stirred between me and my ex which wasn't on.

Anyway sorry to ramble on. sometimes you have to take a break for your own sanity otherwise you'll go mad. All we can do is be a friendly ear and urge them to seek help. you can only do so much

moondog Sun 22-May-05 16:55:54

I think we all know the same person!!
Mine is 40,childless,drifts from one unsuitable man to the next (an alarming proportion of whom are Nigerian drug dealers) and is constantly going over and over the same old ground (She turned up when my baby was 3 weeks old and spent four hours discussing 'relationship issues'.)
She purports to be a feminist and sneers at women who occasionally put their families first,yet is abused by men in a way that defies description. I've tried everything-advice/no advice/letters/talking with her no avail. Eventually moved abroad...

lavenderrr Sun 22-May-05 17:00:33

I can understand how draining this can be and that perhaps you want to spend less time with her than you are doing, which would maybe good for her as she would start to not rely on you so much....but there is something that has been missed, a friendship is never going to be a bed of roses, if you know someone a long time you could well see them through a lot of things both positive and maybe some right depressing times...would you stop being friends with someone just because they were going through a rough time or just be there only when they were cheerful all of the time...Unfortunately a lot of people have lows in their life and need support in these times (imagine if the roles were reversed), it would be very sad if people only wanted to share years of happy times and blank people out when they really needed their friendship...this might sound a bit daft but if it is a real friendship it should be warts and all...maybe one day she will get over this, be strong in her own right and so glad of your support through this time....wouldn't you be glad of her friendship then....distance your self from here but I wouldn't personally be a part-time friend as you find her too much, I would cut ties altogether so she doesn't get mixed signals or be there for her but explain you cannot be there 24 hours a day but maybe agree to see her once a week....don't give up on could be in this boat one day and feel alone if everyone thought you were a pain for going on....sorry to go btw..

lavenderrr Sun 22-May-05 17:03:33

to go on I meant (btw my sister is like this, because I repeat myself a lot and never rings me, yet she can tlak for 2 hours on the phone about herself) nobody is perfect!!

irritated Sun 22-May-05 17:17:21

This has gone on for YEARS, several, and its now im thinking this is getting silly, nothing changes yet the whinging continues.
I am not just dropping this person because they are not all happy and cheery...I am not dropping them full stop, Im just going to take a few steps back.

irritated Sun 22-May-05 17:18:02

Sorry didnt mean to sound grouchy there YKWIM!

lavenderrr Sun 22-May-05 17:27:31

that's good

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