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Scared this is going to end up in divorce

(18 Posts)
namechange100 Wed 22-Jul-09 13:59:42

My husband who left 9 days ago is threatening to go to a solicitor.

I dont want to get divorced, can he do this so soon?

Where do I stand financially. I work part time and make comparatively small contribution towards the household bills.

I have changed my salary to my account but my DH has insisted I pay £400 into the normal account towards bills. I threatend to cancel what I have set up nd he has said we would default on the mortgage or he will cancel my car payments and utilities (all in his name)can he do this?

If we got divorced I wouldnt be able to afford family home what would happen?

If I leave and go back to my hometown I would still be liable for half of mortgage which I wouldnt be able to afford.

Do the family courts take a dim view of a man who has walked and got a flat (450 + bills) and not tried to sort out his marraige?

It has been a gradual drifting, lack of sex and intimacy.

He is comming round to talk tonight and I want to know where I stand?

Very hurt and very angry he has said i have overeacted to him going. Coward.

sincitylover Wed 22-Jul-09 14:15:21

It must be a terrible shock to have dh leave suddenly maybe I am missing something but why would you want to stay with someone who has said this.

I know all the practical things are scary I split with my exh 3 years ago. We sold our family home and I now live with dcs and rent.

If he is not willing to try again/go to counselling then how can you force him?

Do you have dcs - if so then he is liable to pay maintenance of 15% upwards of his net income depending on how many dcs.

You need to consult a solicitor I think because sometimes you can get to stay in family home until youngest dcs is 18 - it's called a mesher order.

namechange100 Wed 22-Jul-09 14:30:14

Do you mean the threats?

Previously he has said he wants to meet up on a regular basis to sort out things slowly and that he just moved out for space.

I will have to try to determine whether he relly means it, everytime I feel positive about his 'plan' when i see him or speak to him he does little to show me he means it. I am immensly insecure and scared because we have had no intimacy for years.

I feel he is pushing me too far and I just wanted sorted as I am hurting so much

DS infront of TV and he is not getting my full attention.

CarGirl Wed 22-Jul-09 14:33:32

Hmmmm it all sounds suspicious like there he is already involved with someone else.

namechange100 Wed 22-Jul-09 14:45:17

Cargirl I have been round the houses on this one and he assures me on our sons life that there isnt anyone else.

He only threatend the solicitors when I said I wasnt going to pay part of my salary in and starting saying about the mortgage not getting paid.

If he has they are well hidden as I have dug n dug and went on and on to eliminate this.

If it is it must be someone at work as he was always here evenings and weekends except three in recent months where he has been to a festival and to visit relatives and lads night out where we are from.

I have had to let go of this because it was driving crazy nd I have been in bits.

namechange100 Wed 22-Jul-09 14:46:53

I should add that we did go to counselling when everything blew up but not been back since he moved out but he did talk about going back a couple of days ago.

sincitylover Wed 22-Jul-09 14:47:25

Sorry I didn't want to sound harsh but what I meant was why would you want to stay with someone who seems to be wanting a divorce.

BonsoirAnna Wed 22-Jul-09 14:48:32

Go and see a solicitor ASAP.

namechange100 Wed 22-Jul-09 15:17:36

He sid it was for legal advice as I had gone back on agreement bout the money - I mean he has gone a got this flat. I have seen the tenancy agreement dated 15th July, he stayed in travel inn around the cornder the first three nights

I dont want to do this.

What to say and where to start. MNettes what key questions would you ask just based on what you know?

Should I let him have it and get it off my chest (this hasnt helped so far when I hve vented) or be what.


BonsoirAnna Wed 22-Jul-09 16:03:29

Your (D)H has left you: he has rented another property and moved out of the marital home. You must contact a solicitor ASAP in order to protect yourself. Do not attempt to broker an agreement with your H without legal advice.

ilovemydogandmrobama Wed 22-Jul-09 16:11:36

Suggest you post this on Legal Issues. There are a lot of people who will give you great advice!

HappyWoman Wed 22-Jul-09 16:22:20

dont be fringhtined of getting legal advice - just go and be honest and you will then at least know where you stand.

I too think there must be someone esle - or at least something that has prompted this rapid decline in your marriage. But that really does not matter now.

He wants out and now he also wants the control - you must make sure your interests are not overlooked by him and a solicitor can help you.

And dont forget starting divorce proceeding is not the same as getting divorced there is a lot of time for both of you to change your minds.

Good luck though

namechange100 Thu 23-Jul-09 08:18:58


Well I rang DH prior to his arrival nd said I didnt want to fight. I made him some food as he was comming straight from work and give him a chance to wind down so we could talk properly. He played with DS and put him to bed

He explained how upset he has been (some things I have said) and I did too. He explained again why he went (for space and I have read fight or flight response) I said I have had a difficult time accepting this.

He has said he wants to stick to orginal plan of making sure bills are paid and we went through the budget so I could see it has been done in my favour (as he understands it was his decision)

The other part of the original agreement was for him to come back to see DS. Have the odd meal with me. BUT also have specific 'meetings' that are just for talking.

We both agreed things have got out of hand and no-one is going to a solicitor. I know this contradicts advice a few have given above but I have to give us chance to sort this.

He read the first two chapters of a book recommedned by the counsellor (not been back yet) and agreed it was insightful. I feel he has made the effort.

We were due to go on holiday next week but nothing booked so I said I would book a mini break for me and DS which he wanted to come on prior to yesterday. He asked if we could still do this and consider odd days out and offered to hve DS if I wanted to do stuff.

Despite swinging emotios, my gut feeling is I have to give this a chance. I dont think there is anyone else (I questioned him again). Until there is anything to indicate otherwise or he drops a bombshell I have to stay positive or the other option is solicitors and divorce.

I have feel calmer actually relaxed this am.

Thank you to all posters.

HappyWoman Thu 23-Jul-09 20:53:48

glad you are feeling better - although i would still say it is not a bad thing to go and get some legal advice anyway. In fact i would say that it helped to save our marriage in a biazzare way.

namechange100 Thu 23-Jul-09 21:14:37

Thanks happywomen - I have managed to get through the day without any extreme emotions and therefore havnt ended up spouting to H.

I have been reading 'When mars and venus collide' and it describes min and his behaviour quite accurately. I have drawn strength from this.

I must admit I have felt narked that we sitting in seperate places on our own of an evening. But I must stay positive and work with whats on the table.

I dont feel I can go for legal advice as it will be costly. I will seek it online and possibly post on legal boards.

I have tomorrow planned and just need to get through that. I will be seeing DH on Sat as he taking DS to his usual activities and for us to talk.

Even managed to cook a thai green curry.

Happywomen did you seperate for a time?

Anifrangapani Thu 23-Jul-09 21:53:00

I don't have any advice on solicitors / financial advice.... but it is possible to come back from the brink. Keep talking.

namechange100 Thu 23-Jul-09 22:07:46

Thanks Anif - So many people assume there is someone else. I cant see how he could have been anymore transparent.

I have said and done some awful things and so has he but not as much so I will, just biting my tounge inbetween.

This means a lot. smile

namechange100 Fri 24-Jul-09 08:42:44

Was still awake crying and crying this hurts so much. I just want to be put out of this misery - I feel everyday he is away he is hurting me more. I cant stand this.

I dont know if I can forgive him. I dont want to get angry and txt or ring then regret it (as I have done on five occasions)

I think about packing my little car and going back to mums - to what end I dont know.

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