what do you think is needed to make a marriage. opinions please

[stitch]

something i have been thinking about for a while... what is it that keeps two people together, in a resmblence of civility for a lifetime. what are the necessary requirements?

[sparklymieow]

trust, trust and more trust.......

[stitch]

what else?
i keep reading about people here, who whilst they trust there partners, having blazing rows about other stuff, housework, childcare etc. and that can destroy a relationship too?

[PinkFluffPudding]

Love, trust, respect, a shared sense of humour and direction... and good sex!

[stitch]

i trust my dh, also love him, but have crap marriage!

[sparklymieow]

Being able to talk about things, at the start of our marriage we agrued all the time and TBH I didn't think we would make it, but now we talk and trust each other, plus we have been through so much together that its made us stronger.

[Munchkinola]

respect and affection

[SenoraPostrophe]

either infinite patience on one or both sides, or the ability to let something go (may require some kind of coping mechanism).

I used to think it was the ability to say the "s" word (sorry) - an ability which dh does not have.

[notime]

Sorry to be cynical but are I wonder if two people are meant to spend there lives together, given the choice.

Perhaps its natural to have more than one serious love of your life. Its natural that we change over the years so of course people will drift closer or further apart and some times the differences just become too much.

[stitch]

hmmm, lots to think about now..
many thanks to you all

[stitch]

well, yes, thats something i agree with, but then there are practical/financial reasons to stay together. or is that unnacceptable?

[welshmum]

My dh calls it 'good old-fashioned love' I think he means love that isn't all hearts and flowers, love that copes with real crap times, love that endures when there's no sex and very little quality time. Love that can see beyond where you are now to where you might get to together. Love that sees a relationship in terms of years rather than weeks.
Also love that takes great pleasure in a snatched dance in the kitchen, a hug when you least expect it, a suprise present, shared joy in children and in your achievements as a couple.
That all sounds a bit cheesy but I think he's right.

[stitch]

welshmum, i think he's right too, but i aslo think thats a bit idealistic.
after ten years together, can there really be joy in dancing round thekitchen?
and what when there is no respect, or affection. no conversation, let alone shared humour.

[notime]

Welshmum, That sounds llovely, Im with you on true love, a hard thing to find though.

They'll be loads of people who stay together for practical reasons and I'm sure for the reason that they've been together so long that they know no different. i wouldnt say its unacceptable unless all are unhappy. If everyones happy about the situation then I'd say it was acceptable

[wysiwyg]

DH and I were talking recently about how come family members in the North were getting divorced, while those in the south were staying to gether more (have no idea what the real statistics are but true just in our circle).
So I joked that it was probably because no-one in the south could afford to get divorced - too expensive housing etc etc.
But then we thought there might be some truth in it.....

My thoughts: respect, never let yourself go and never take your partner for granted.

[teeavee]

separate lives
separate houses
separate countries

I've tried all of those, and they all did wonders for our relationship - never argued!
It's actually living/doing stuff together that's hard to negotiate....

[expatinscotland]

respect for yourself and your partner.

[teeavee]

we're not married, by the way - not sure whether that's agood thing or not - does having a written contract between you make you more keen to make it work, I wonder...?

[Podmog]

Message withdrawn

[Tortington]

i have a friend who says about her partner " i love him..but am not IN love with him" well itsnot all confetti and roses forever is it.

a good marriage apart from trust and love must contain
the ability for a discussion
a good old fashioned plate throwing row once a year
good sex frequently and occasionally kinky
the ability for both to say - bog off amnot in the mood get your dirty paws off me
bum pinching on a regular basis ( i recommend at least once a day)
lews remarks such as " cwoor bend over again i had a fair old view then darrrrlin'" or something equally vulgar
equality of the boring stuff like washing clothes and cooking tea,emptying the bin cleaning the cooker,mopping the floor...etc
equality of parenting such as doing homework, changing nappies, going into school to be shouted at by your kids teachers, getting them ready for school, thinking about their school needs eg have they got a pen , all their books etc
butmost of all you must both be able to make an outstanding cup of coffee becuase as god says " he who cannot maketh a good brew for thyne husband or thyne wifey will perish in the verbal fire of thyne partner at 7am in themorning amen"

[Tortington]

oops forgot god also says " i created man and woman equally in the eyes of the lord, neither has a special ability to iron or sew - so get of your arse and learn. he who does not learneth will go to work creased. amen"

[noddyholder]

agree with custy completely and am still up for dancing in the kitchen or anywhere else after 13 yrs Also trust and respect and sometimes just take a step back and remember who you both were before real life took over

[mancmum]

stitch, maybe I am being out of order here but I felt a huge pain in your statement "and what when there is no respect, or affection. no conversation, let alone shared humour" If that has gone and there is no retrieving it, to me there is no marriage... if this is where you are, can I suggest that you try relate... my friends are going thru it at the moment and I had no hope for them (neither did the DW) but just 4 sessions later, they have moved their relationship on massively... not out of the woods yet but there is huge hope and optimism about them....

I think marriage is ultimately about making 2 people happy together... if that ain't happening, time to rethink...

[Aero]

Mutual, love, trust, patience, tolerance, respect, ability to communicate at all times, forgiveness, being prepared to eat humble pie occasionally, good senses of humour and the sheer determination to work hard at the relationship to see you through the rough times so you can enjoy the good ones. Also a sincere appreciation of each other.

[teeavee]

love your message, Aero - wuold certainly like to think that those are my aims too!

[happymerryberries]

Agree with all of custardos, except the plate throwing row (for dh and I as we just don't 'do' conflict, other people are diferent I know).

REgualar, ie daily, hugs and kisses, and making sure that both partners know that they are respected, loved and valued.

And the coffee thing! Oh boy, yes!