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Tough love? Long and a bit rambling, sorry.

(5 Posts)
magnummum Wed 22-Jul-09 08:50:31

I dearly love my mum who is an alcholic but have come to the end of the line with trying to be understanding and supportive of her with her continuous drinking.

She has had a problem most of my life and been in and out of AA and rehab. To cut a long story very short I really can't take trying to support her now when she isn't in a place where she is even trying to recover/stay sober. I have a toddler and 10 week old twins and had quite a frank discussion with her while pregnant to say that my energy really can't be taken up with the alcoholic dramas with 3 small children and also that I don't want them to be around such negative environment which she said she quite understood.

I've been very supportive of the whole one day at a time thing and let it go when she has an off day but she seems to think this gives her license to behave how she wants as there are no consequences to her actions. She truely seems to have no notion that her behaviour effects other people and she is becoming increasing erratic - probably not helped by the fact that we don't tell her because we don't want to upset her. I'm drained with the whole thing.

She herself admits that she is finding it hard to try and get sober now and I feel the only option is to say that I will meet up with her but without the children until she is in a better place mentally, but that is going to be so hard to say. Her attitude is having such a bad effect on me and my family and I've tried every other thing I can think of. Has anyone else had to do anything similar? Any advice/experience would be great - I don't want to cut her off totally because I do love her and want to be there for her but at the moment I don't really like her if that makes sense.

MIFLAW Wed 22-Jul-09 11:36:33

She either has not understood the "one day at a time" thing or she is deliberately misunderstanding it.

You have to put yourself and your own family first in this. You can't have a drunk around kids. You can't allow her to dictate terms and conditions to you.

You might also find that you are doing a favour by telling her all this. But even so, you need to protect yourself.

Incidentally, my relevant experience is that I am a recovering alcoholic in AA. I promise you that making unreasonable allowances for your mum is not fair on you and yours and won't help her either. You don't teach a baby to walk by holding it under the arms for the rest of its life ...

ginnny Wed 22-Jul-09 12:05:14

I had the same problem with my Dad, Magnummum.
After he turned up drunk at the hospital where I had just had ds1. I told him from then on I would only see him if he was sober. We would set a date to go and see him (an hours drive) and if we turned up and found him drunk we would just turn around and leave him there. After a few times of me finding him pissed he realised I meant it and I had a really lovely few years with him. Unfortunately a year or so before he died he just couldn't stay sober anymore and I had to stop contact altogether.
Stick to your guns, make conditions and stick to them and don't feel guilty. It is her problem not yours.

ginnny Wed 22-Jul-09 12:07:33

Also have you tried Alanon.
I have found them very supportive and helpful.

magnummum Thu 23-Jul-09 09:02:57

Thank you both, you just reiterated what I know I have to do - it's just the doing it that is hard. (I do go to Al anon - though not at mo. with babies and would agree with you Ginny about how supportive that is.) To be honest I wouldn't have got this far and still be in touch with my mum if it hadn't been for the advice and support I've found there. Anyway she's away at the moment but will try and sort things out when she is back next week. sad

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