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mil

(12 Posts)
arrraagggh Sat 21-May-05 13:45:19

Basically I see my mil being very jealous, minipulative women who hasnt a good word to say about any one.Since going out with my dp she has been very jealous of our relationship-wanting to spend time alone with him on holiday(although hes in his 20's) expecting expensive presents and then comparing what he gets me.

Although we are civil and ive always tried in the past to be pleasant to make a good impression I never feel I get the same in return. Its little things like ive never ever recieved a compliment from her. And if she is being nice to me I feel that its false and that shes just trying to manipulate me as she knows if she gets me on side she can use me to talk to her ds.Ive made an effort in the past but tbh I just dont like her as a person we have completely diff views on things and yet i feel like I can't disagree with her.

Since I found out i was pregnant things just got worse it felt like she was not only trying to control dh but now me as well as i was carrying her dgs.There were arguements cus we wanted to know the sex of baby and she didnt want us to find out,then there was the name i agreed with dp that we would have his surname but she wanted another family name in his first/middle name.A announcement was put in the paper by my mum and my mil read the wording wrong and rang to find out why our ds was now having my surname even though he wasnt. But I thought how dare she that was my choice to make as me and dp arnt married.She was also unhappy that my mum came with me for the scan.

When I was in hosp poorly due to preg complications she said she wouldnt visit cus i needed to rest although when ds was born she wanted to come every day and i was exhausted,emotional etc. We were on a special ward my ds was prem and in an incubator and she told dp that she wanted to come and hold her own gds (even though i hardly had held him only to brestfeed and dp was able to hold him for only 5mins) Dp said the m/ws advised not for him to be handled (he needed rest and to maintain body temp) and she said what the f**k do the m/vs know ive had 5 kidds.And then from day 1 since coming home from hosp she was always nagging us to babysit saying me and dp needed time together funny that she didnt think that before ds was born.

Since then its just esculated shes always criticising or questioning our parenting like why are you still b/f 2wks is enough, why isnt he in bed at 7pm or in his own room. We feel like we have to explain ourselves. She just doesnt respect our descision and just dimisses them which makes us feel uncomfortable whenever she babysits.

Ds always has to go visit her too unless she babysits and comes to us. If I do on the rare occasion go around I feel like we dont exist she never says hello to me. And the same if she comes to us she just makes a beeline for ds and totally ignores my personal space. Shes always praising herself like shes the only person he smiles for, goes to sleep or eats for.

Not once has she said well done for breastfeeding so long or told us how well we are doing. Just no encouragement. The thing is now I hate her going near ds or babysitting.And whatever she does winds my back up. We went out the other day and she babysat we came home quite early cus we wanted to put ds to bed ourselves. But when we got home she had already put him to bed earliar then normal cus he was tired. We were so annoyed about it cus we thought he would be up early but had my mum done it i prob would been fine. But with her we think is she just doing it because she wants to mother ds or because he was tired. Every other grandparent seems to be able to keep him going til bedtime.

pinkroses Sat 21-May-05 14:32:05

I sympathise with you completely. My MIL is evil. I had all the same problems with her. SHe ruined our wedding for us as she was jealous of me and dh's relationship.

She even said to my mum, of all people how she assumed dh would have got fed up playing family man and left me by now. What a cow!!!!

I don't think there is much advice I can give. Does your dp feel the same as you do? How often does she babysit? Maybe sitting down with her and having a chat may help the situation. Strange things happen to mums/mil's when a new baby arrives. I think they are struck with jealousy.

fernzmal Sun 22-May-05 08:08:51

good lord. we must have the same mil. everything strikes a chord with me. (check my old MIL thread on here too!!)
i am now suffering from severe depression thanks to mil and am on anti-depressants.

she is ruthless, slefish, evil, conniving, scheming..you name it. she too is jealous of what my dh does with me, or buys for me..and constantly tries to sabotage our marriage.

she insists on going on holidays alone with him too, and once refused to speak to him for several days because he took me and dd on holiday cos she wanted to go as well.
she has made him take her on holiday several times, once during my third trimester (that triggered my very first bout of suicidal depression), then when dd was three weeks old (another suicidal period) and now she has done something so horrible that i am going through my longest bout of depression ever.

she's never complimented me either, and when she compliments dd, she always puts it down to her inheriting MIL's genes. FFS

we also had row over surname. will not go into that.

but i totally sympathise with you. i decided to cut her out of my life...only decided last week i think. but am not sure avoiding her will really solve matters. think that it would be BEST to sit down with her and unequivocally state my stand. but just not possible cos am by nature a very fragile, polite, well-mannered , well-brought up person unlike the cheap illmannered b* my mil is.

MeerkatsUnite Sun 22-May-05 08:26:24

You all have my heartfelt sympathies.

I was wondering what the respective men in your lives make of what is happening to you all. I only ask this as I see no mention in your postings of their reaction to the undoubted pain and emotional anguish you are going through and see no mention either of them trying to tackle their overbearing and controlling mothers.

Have they attempted to get through to these damaging (and I would also add emotionally damaged) women?. All of these women sound like the typical "toxic" parent and this "toxic" parent has now become the toxic in law.

debs26 Sun 22-May-05 08:55:59

these women will never change. my poor ds is now having to be referred to a psychologist because my evil mil is emotionally abusing him and constantly getting him to lie to doctors about things i am doing to him. he is 6 ffs. what makes me more sick is that she is quite a public figure locally and has been in newspaper saying how much she loves kids and they are her priority - no one would think from reading it that social services had to warn her last summer that she was going to screw up her grandchildren for ever if she didnt stop being such a cow.i remember fernzmai thread a while back - glad youre feeling a bit better.

arrraagggh, you need to talk to your dh and ask him who is his priority - you and your child or his mother. if he says you he needs to prove it. i split up with xp because of mil and since then she has got her claws back into him, he hardly sees kids cos they are always at her house instead and when he does see them he is every bit as bad as she is. good luck, you will probably need it

does anyone else think shooting mil should be legalised?

haven Sun 22-May-05 13:43:02

oh dear..sounds alot like my MIL but thanks TO her behavior i no longer have to deal with it...I told dh i would never make him choose between me and his mom...well 5 years later that changed...after she tried to get my child taken from me, and damn near threw my oldest child out her house because (she isn't my dh, prior relationship), oh it went on and on and all this while out of state...after that it was me or her...and i haven't had to speak with her for almost a year and a half....

Rarrie Sun 22-May-05 13:46:52

I can sympathise with this one. I have to state that my ILs are very nice people, but different - my family work from helping each other out, and all mucking in together, whereas the ILs are very self thinking people.

I too have been in the situation where I have taken my child over to visit and they have barely spoken to me. They never bother to visit when I'm around, and prefer to see my child when I'm not there - and to be honest that suits me fine!

Thankfully, unlike you I don't have a MIL that criticises me - in fact she never says anything about me, or DH or our child for that matter, they only ever talk about themselves (which tbh I have absoltutely no interest in hearing!).

Anyway, I used to get quite irrate that we'd make the effort to go over, and they just sit and talk about themselves all the time, and would show no interest in their son at all. So I've decided just to have nothing more to do with them - if they make the effort then I'll respond appropriately, but other than that, I don't bother to visit anymore (haven't been over at all this year, but they haven't noticed yet) and when they come over, its usually when I'm out so no problem. I have to say it has made my relationship with DH so much better, as there's no arguing now. I've just had to learn not to expect anything from them, which is a shame because it means they see less of their grandchild, but I figure that's their lookout.

For me, it really has eased the situation now that I have nothing to do with them - Could you not do the same? Remember, its your relationship with DH that counts, and don't let the inlaws spoil it!

assumedname Sun 22-May-05 13:48:14

debs26, why don't you stop your son seeing your mil? She sounds evil.

Pinotmum Sun 22-May-05 14:12:13

She sounds very overbearing. I got off to a bad start with my mil when my dd was born because she behaved similarly. She thought she knew best and ignored my requests not to take the baby out of the moses basket when I had just got her aleep. She also said she could help more if I stopped breast feeding and put her on a bottle. In fact the relationship was damaged so much that I now can't even listen to her on the phone as she annoys me too much. As you said things that are OK for your mum to do annoy me with the MIL and she praises herself no end. Basically anyone who puts themselves and their wants before the mother of the baby is not worth making an effort with imo. I now do as I want where she is concerned and she sees less of the children because I don't want to see her. I have agreed 1 weeks visit this year as she is such a pain, if she was nicer I would visit twice a year. Stand up to her now as it won't get any better till you do.

HappyDaddy Mon 23-May-05 12:48:43

Cut her off. Or at least tell her that unless she adheres to your wishes and also starts acting respectfully towards you that she obviously isn't interested and can't see your baby anymore.

Windermere Mon 23-May-05 12:58:44

My mil is exactly the same. By these threads it seems that so many are. I am trying very hard to ignore her comments because she is the one that has the problem but it is difficult I know. You would think that MIL's would be pleased to have capable DIL's looking after their gc but they just get jealous because they can't bear to see someone other than themselves in the 'mother' role. Ignore her, she is not worth the effort.

haven Mon 23-May-05 21:54:23

sounds like my MIL......we actually had to move because of her she didn't want us living on FIL property anymore because she got mad....sooo i don't have to deal with her anymore...

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