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23 weeks pregnant and apparantly I'm such a nag and being unreasonable...(23 Posts)
I'm 23 weeks pregnant and my hubby has said that I am being totally unreasonable and a total nag and I just wanted some opinions on this...
When we met I told him I was 100% against smoking and whilst he smoked at the time, he promised he was giving it up and never smoked around me (i'm asthmatic), anyway, after about a year and a half he gave up (yay!) but then a year after quitting he lapsed and has been promising to give up again for about 6 months, each time saying at my birthday, at babys first scan, 2nd scan and now definately by the time she is born... I cannot stand the smell and he has been good in that when he goes out for a fag, he'll change his t-shirt when he comes in and go and swirl mouthwash around - not great but its a start I guess. He reckons he's down to about 5 a day now, but when he drinks (which is most days tbh) he can easily have 10... All our arguements centre around the smoking and he gets so uptight and responds like a teenager whenever I mention it...
Tonight he missed his bus after being in town for a few drinks after work so I drove in and picked him up, he got in the car and stank of fags, I subtley asked if he had any mints and he said no, we drove home chatting and me with my face out the window and when we arrived home, he leaned right over and said something to me and I replied 'hon, you could really do with a mint...', he stormed out of the car and slammed the door like a teenager so I drove off for some space as if I'd gone in he'd have stomped around and moaned... he called me and I said I didn't appreciate him acting like that but he harped on about me being rude whilst sat in the garden smoking and drinking more lager... after aabout an hour he semi-apologised and I came back. he was sat outside smoking again and said he'd be in shortly to eat the dinner I'd cooked earlier so I went to the bathroom and found a huge puddle of pee on the floor by the toilet. I cleaned it up and when I went downstairs I said to him "hon, i want to say something but please don't get upset or stroppy,... could you please aim into the toilet next time you go, I know you sometimes wobble but its not nice for me to have to clean it up' and again he got stroppy and moaned at me... I got upset and went upstairs and after about 15 mins he apologised for the part he'd played but insisted that all i had done was nag him tonight when yesterday he was so worried that i'd get swine flu and die he cried... apparantly I don't do the housework (we both work full time and i do 95% of it) and I can't love him or deserve his love as all i do is nag....
please advise, am I being unreasonable?
In short, not unreasonably, you are nagging him. The thing is it won't work, sadly.
I think you may need to take a 'don't sweat the small stuff' approach and focus on reducing no. of fags per day and not on level of smelliness.
It's not that you are being unreasonable, it is just he is addicted and nagging won't break that addiction.
thanks hobbgoblin, most days I don't mention it at all, it was just today I felt nauscious and it was pretty bad, I had intended not to say anymore but the wee on the floor was too much for me... should I have just not mentioned that? I really don't know what I can and can't say these days.... anyone would think it was he who was pregnant! he's stormed off to bed now and I can't decide whether to join him or sleep in my sons room who is away for a few days....
But also when you do need to tell him straight, i.e. about the wee - do tell him straight and don't precede with placatement iyswim.
'Darling you have weed on the floor, clear it up so I don't need to, thanks'
It may seem like you are nagging more if you are being too faffy about telling him.
I think you'll benefit from clear, concise, direction - as with a puppy! - cajoling is not a good move imo.
Sleepign in another room is totally up to you but it is not particuarly wise as it could be seen as a sulk and then you lose the high ground rather.
Now, I wouldn't class this as nagging. He agreed to stop smoking and is pissing about making excuses. Yes smoking may be an addiction but if he made a promise to you (and your unborn child) he should get off his arse and try and do something about it.
Aside from that, what the hell is he doing pissing on the floor and expecting you to clear it up having cooked dinner and done the bulk of the housework.
And making out that you can't love him because you nag him, no addiction excuses that type of behaviour.
Sorry, no helpful advice but you are not being unreasonable.
thankyou JamieJay and Hobbgoblin, I think I do need to stop faffing about and tell him straight and from now on I'll leave it for him to clean up, perhaps like a puppy he'll get the message that way! Usually he blames my 9 year old son and it happens when he has had a few drinks after work etc...
He clearly sees that the housework is my role despite me being on a fully funded phd which needs me to work a minimum of 35 hours, and pick him up from work when he finishes at 10pm, and take him in for 7am at weekends (he doesn't drive and we have no buses at that time)... so no idea how to get him to do more around the house and he thinks I don't do anything anyway! (laundry fairy does all washing and ironing and cooking and dishes, and picking up his discarded clothes from front room when he comes to bed at 3 am and doesn't get up until 11 when on a late...) grrrr sorry, felt a rant come on then...
I'm getting pretty fed up to be honest, he thinks nothing of stressing me out with my hormones etc and yet I am the nag!
You are not a nag. He is being feckless and you are trying to be overly reasonable in letting him know which means he may respond better (as if it is your job to phrase things effectively but looks like it may just have to be that way) to a no messin' approach.
Ooh, just reminded me of Transactional Analysis - Google it! Essentially it is about emotional roles, i.e. parent/child, means one acts as child to the other's parent whereas you need to aim for adult/adult...
em, why did you clean up his piss?
cleaning up the piss then moaning about it puts you in a rubbish position.
don't clean the piss woman.
and don't do 95% of the housework.
you've morphed into his mummy.
stop it now.
'i am not going to nag you anymore (hubby). i am not however going to clean up your piss, come near you if you stink or do more than 50% of the housework' should suffice.
thats true, I did for a short while fall into the mother role and found it great when I moved out of that but it didn't last long, it's exhausting living with a 39 year old teenager!
thanks blinks, I had to clean it as I needed to use the toilet and couldn't do so without getting my feet wet or cleaning it up... I will refrain from doing this from now on though and learn how to hover appropriately! lol
If I don't do the housework it builds up and we end up arguing about that and exasperates my asthma, I've tried leaving the dishes and the record was 8 days.... not fair on my son....
Told him earlier that I'll arrange a cleaner and he can pay if he is not happy with how I do it - he's a tight sod (except for beer and fags) so perhaps that might do the trick...
Hmm. The thing is, it's up to him to decide to stop smoking - while you can reasonably ask him not to smoke near you or in the house, and to change his shirt and use mouthwash, you can't forbid him to smoke. You are not his owner.
On the other hand a man who wo't pull his weight domestically and sulks when asked to do his share of chores is a PITA to live with and this needs addressing. Maybe you could agree that you will keep quiet about the fags as long as he doesn't make your life harder by pissing on the floor.
what would he do if you took a dump on the floor? would he nervously and politely ask you to please not defecate outwith the bog as really it's rather whiffy and cleaning it up made his fingers stink.
would he fuck. he's probably scream like a girl and call his mum.
<slaps sense into traymca>
i'd have to turf out someone so lazy. he has time to drink everyday but no time to mop up his own body waste or do the feckin dishes.
not good enough.
yeah, the drinking thing has been a bone of contention recently, if he works an early he finishes at 3/3:30 and then always goes into town and is home anytime from half six to ten, usually with beers at home to drink too, I've asked him loads of time to come home straight from work at least once a week and he always says he will but so far it has not happened, then he'll typically stay up past midnight and if on a late the next day (2pm start) he'll stay in bed until 11 ish and then moan he hasn't got time to do anything.... I have to be up at half seven every weekday for my son and at weekends usually up at half six to drive OH to work.... i rarely get a lie in and when I do, does he make me a cuppa? does he heck, I get up by ten and make my own and have some breakfast... he's promised to cook dinner on his day off this week so fingers crossed he'll remember to do that, usually on his day off he has a lie in, and around 4 goes into town.... he has promised that he won't be going to the pub when the baby comes as he wants to spend his time with us but I am not holding my breath.... most of the time he can be so loving but he is a selfish man, in the sense of wanting to live the life of a single man and go to the pub etc and he doesn't see that he should do any housework on his day off.... when i say when is my day off he just shrugs it off....
does he not have any input with your son?
How long have you been together?.
I don;t think his smoking is just the only problem here; its his drinking as well not just to say his whole attitude towards you and your relationship. Are you very concerned about his drinking, it certainly seems to be impacting on your family life markedly.
He's no role model for either of your children. He sounds like yet another manchild which is grim for you.
he adores my son who idolises him and when they have time together they are great, its just not that often really as he is either at work or out or my son is out playing if he is in....
I would jut like him to spend more time with us, if I mention it he moans that he doesn't get to see his daughter (age 14) that much and that at least I have my son here most of the time, but I do all I can to get him to see his daughter more, she stays occasionally but we only have a 2 bed house, and quite often she has plans with her mates... it is a shame and I would love to have her live with us, perhaps then he'd be home more...
he's been a bit better today, got up at 11, we had a scan at 1 and then I dropped him to work, he made some comments about last night which upset me and he apologised for bringing it up again (we aplogised to each other at about 4am this morning when he woke me up going to the loo!).. I just need him to be more considerate, remember that he has a family and is not 15 anymore, and to bear in mind my needs as the mother of his unborn child! fingers crossed....
OH MY GOOD GOD!!! The fact he smokes 5 fags a days is the least of your concerns, he drinks like that on a daily basis???? And weeing on the floor - god almighty, I would have demanded he go up and clean it up, why you would just clean that up, eeeuuughghgh and then have to say softly that maybe he shouldn't do that again. OH MY LORD, weeing on the floor is something I might expect from my potty training daughter or somink, not a man, or at least a fully grown male. Unless he's got some kind of issue with urinating that is not a normal thing to expect from someone.
And why are you going to pick him up from the pub when you'd rather he wasn't there?
He sounds a total charmer you've got yourself. Lordy lord above. I started reading your thread thinking, oh give the guy a break its a few fags, at least his intention is there, but dig a bit deeper - his 5 fags a day is his best feature.
sounds like he has an addiction to alcohol traymca...
has he always been this way?
I think he has yes, he doesn't drive and so hasn't had to limit himself that way and its been something he'd done since he was a teenager. He admits at times that he drinks too often and very occasionally will have a few days off to try and redress the issue but yes, at the moment I would say he only has 1 day off a week which is when he has to work overnight... He promnises that when the baby comes he won't be doing that and I have said that he needs to start before really ao fingers crossed...
On a plus side, he's cooking dinner for me tonight, its his day off work!
i wish you luck traymca.
i suspect though that he will continue this behaviour after the baby comes unless he's willing to seek help for his drinking problem.
how would you feel if he didn't stop after you have the baby?
thanks blinks, I would be furious andhe knows that... he cooked a lovely meal the other night and is having a 'dry' day today o we shall see what the weekend brings...
YANBU, but the fags are the least of your worries, he's behaving like an adolescent, gornw men at the age of 39 don't regularly get up at 11.00am ffs because of drinking every day. he's got the life of riley and you are enabling and facilitating him.
time to stop talking and move into action, i hate to be the harbinger of bad tidings but when my dh (now reformed) behaved like a stroppy teenagare on a consistent basis during my last pg i temporarily left him.
This was the only course of action that made him get his act together.
Some men have a shocking sense of entitlement and think their partners are "lucky" to be with them. needs nipping in the bud prior to birth of your dc. harsh action may be needed.
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