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Is he really using my daughter to get at me?

(5 Posts)
queenofdenial2009 Mon 20-Jul-09 21:40:28

I've posted before about my emotionally abusive partner and I'm planning to get him to leave. But something happened this evening and I need to know if I'm being paranoid.

Bit of background: the stress of our relationship meant I ended up in hospital for a month recently and have temporarily had my driving licence taken away because of the fits I had. This means I'm off work and my partner had to take DD (4) to nursery today - he works from home.

He's away for work until Thursday and left this evening, so I asked him to make sure he told her this morning so she knew he'd be going away. She gets upset when he leaves.

But he forgot. So he picked her up this evening and did tell her. He'd said he would bring her home then leave to go up North straight away. She usually watches the Simpsons at 6pm but he had said she couldn't last night because she was naughty. But when they got back, he told her to check with me if it had started so I had to be the bad guy and tell her she couldn't watch it. He said he had forgotten she wasn't allowed to watch it.

She howled, cried, clung to his leg, snot running down her nose - the works. Then he didn't leave for another half an hour and managed to pick another fight with me because I was sufficiently grateful that he had bought some more toothpaste.

Did he really forget or am I just finding fault where there is no deliberate malice?

mrsboogie Mon 20-Jul-09 21:54:49

You said it in your first sentence - he is an emotional abuser. Sounds like he has your head in a right mess. Stop planning to get him to leave. Just do it before you end up questioning yourself into the wrong.

Alambil Mon 20-Jul-09 22:05:12

he didn't forget - it's what abusers do.

Overmydeadbody Mon 20-Jul-09 22:08:46

Why are you planning on getting him to leave instead of just doing it? Now.

I hope you find the strength and courage to judt leave this man.

queenofdenial2009 Wed 22-Jul-09 09:44:58

Thank you - and thank you for being so direct. I'm still finding it hard to believe that he really is doing these things. Initially I was telling myself that he was doing it subconsciously, but I think I was in denial (again) as I couldn't cope with the fact that these are conscious, planned actions.

On another thread, somebody made the point that men like this manage to deal with other people normally and save it up for us. And that's true even though it hurts me so much to admit that.

I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I just can't make myself take the nex step. But I'm seeing a WA support worker tomorrow and have spoken to the police's DV worker who is putting an intelligence file together. Stupid thing is that what is stopping me is not knowing how badly he'll react. If he really goes off, I'll have to leave with DD but it wouldn't be safe to come back to our village and she would lose her school place here. The only schools left with places in the town where I work are in special measures - I just need to get my head round it.

Please keep telling me what I need to hear - my doubts come back almost as soon as I logoff.

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