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Can't make myself say the words to him........

(22 Posts)
LumpyChump Mon 20-Jul-09 10:29:09

Have posted before, a few months ago regarding my P. Things have got progressively worse and I made the decision a while ago that I want to leave. Those feelings have remained, grown even and I am 100% sure that I would rather be on my own with two DCs than to be in such a roller-coaster of a relationship.

Trouble is part of me feels such a bitch for wanting it and cannot make myself say the words that I want to split.

The feeling inside of me is so strong and the words are in my mouth ready to be said but I just cannot say them.

He knows something is wrong. Knows I'm not myself and he gets a bit angry with me.

I think his reaction scares me and what will happen once I've done it.

I hate the thought of people hating me. Honestly, it really bothers me. I know it shouldn't but, I guess, that's just the sort of person I am!

Even when we have an argument, I blurt out some mixed phrase that I want him out and he just thinks this is another 'threat' and it's never taken seriously.

I'm so unhappy and frustrated with myself sad

So I know all you can say is "just say the words, leave him, go!" so guess I'm just posting to see it written for myself and how silly it sounds.

Thank you x

secretskillrelationships Mon 20-Jul-09 11:06:38

I had the same problem. I've felt awful and frankly scared of the fall out from just saying it. And then having it ignored and having to say it again and again with nothing happening. It got to the point I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to physically throw him out (he's over 6 foot so not really a likely scenario). Also not going to be great for the children.

I felt he was pushing me to be the one to make the decision so that he would be the 'good guy' and it would be 'my fault' that we split. GIven everyone thinks the sun shines out of his bottom, I was very worried about the fall-out. I knew things were wrong but couldn't explain it to myself well enough to feel I could justify the decision to others iyswim.

Sorry so long!

Also, I think I was scared of being on my own with 3 DCs, scared everyone will judge me for being selfish in leaving my DH, and feeling really really hurt and disbelieving that he didn't really seem to want to make the relationship work. I kept hoping that he would make the effort, which he said he would, and then being endlessly disappointed when he didn't.

So maybe you need to have a really honest look at what you are feeling if you keep putting off talking to him even if you feel sure about your decision - are you scared of his reaction, or are you scared that he may not care or even be pleased.

The breakthrough for us came when my DH asked 'So what would the relationship be like if it was working the way you want it to.' He was angry at the time so not a calm, rational question from him more 'What the bloody hell do you want then, blood' type attitude.

I told him calmly and rationally exactly what it would be like and asked him the same question. To be honest, it was a real wake-up call for both of us and appears to have changed the dynamic.

Previously it felt as if I was the one constantly saying 'this isn't right' etc while he was doing the 'fine with me' stuff. Once I said how I would like things to be we could both see how far away we were from that (in fact how far the relationship between us had deteriorated).

Now, we both feel very, very sad and are still trying to work out what to do but the anger levels have fallen dramatically. I no longer feel scared by him and his potential reactions and I do feel that we now have an opportunity to work out what to do for the best for the whole family.

LumpyChump Mon 20-Jul-09 11:39:43

Thank you for replying and sharing your story.

Thing is, our relationship has never really been that strong. We've been up and down this road so many times and I feel mentally exhausted by it all and ready to be by myself.

I'm not really scared of being on my own. Whenever he's been away, I love being on my own and being able to relax in the house.

I just have no 'balls', am quite weak really. I don't like confrontation and a bit scared of what he'll be like with me.

I want to just wake up one morning and just say it and hold my head up high ready to take whatever he can throw at me but at the moment it all seems like too huge to contemplate.

cafelattefan Tue 21-Jul-09 12:02:00

Lumpy - my sister is in the same situation as you, is frightened of the fall out and of upsetting the children and all that it entails. Ive been telling her for years, "you just have to say it" and I know thats easier said than done, but the bottom line is... you will have to say it one day! Theres is no beating about the bush, if you want something you need to go out and get it. If you go to a shop, you ask the assistant for what you want, you dont expect her to just give it to you, shes not a mind reader and this is a similar but obviously bigger situation. Its going to be hard and its going to be horrible, but if it is what you want you are really just going to have to say it.
I dont know what my tone comes across like in what ive just said, but im typing this will alot of sympathy for you, im not being harsh.
just trying to help. you say you are weak, that is my sister's problem, she is weak and has been quite submissive in the past. It may take you some time, but you will in the end wear yourself down and you will be able to say it. Good luck to you Lumpy, will be thinking about you, and my sister!!

twoisplenty Tue 21-Jul-09 12:49:47

May I suggest going for some counselling? A good counsellor would help you to find the way of telling him what you need to say, and then to guide you through the process of his reaction and the "fall out" as you say.

For a different scenario, I found counselling invaluable in dealing with a very difficult situation, and the counsellor could guide me through it.

LumpyChump Tue 21-Jul-09 14:03:59

Thank you caffelattefan - glad I'm not the only one although my heart goes out to your sister. From an outside it must seem so simple.

Last night we were in separate rooms (as we always are of an evening) and went into the study where he was on the computer (as he always is!) and sat on the sofa and just looked at him so ready to say the words and I just came out with "i'm unhappy". He stopped doing what he was doing and said "me too, but that's life", I tried starting a conversation to get things out which would hopefully encourage me to say "I want to split" but he wasn't following what I was saying, just dismissing everything with "well, there we go then" type sayings.

I would love it if he finished with me, but that's a cowards way out I know.

Twoisplenty - I've thought of counselling but don't have the ££.

I know what I need to do, just need to find it within me to do it because the longer it goes on for, the more of my life is being taken away by feeling unhappy sad

thesockmonsterofdoom Tue 21-Jul-09 14:10:05

sad do you really want to spilt, dh and I have had a very intensive conversation last night, the words were also on the tip of my tongue, I have told him thgat I need every thing to change, I neeed to feel happy or that will be it, I dont feel better today I just feel like crying. He came home to see me in his lunch whaich was lovely, I just burst out crying.
If you really want to say it, have a glass of wine and say it, it's only words, the fall out will be massive, but better than being miserable for ever, it eats away at everything. good luck.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 21-Jul-09 14:12:38

If you know it is what you really want, but just can't say it, can you write it down?

LumpyChump Tue 21-Jul-09 15:43:55

I've thought about writing it down, emailing him and even texting him but I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown woman and we've been together just over 10 years.

After last night's conversation and having been in work all day today I feel a little but stronger, just hope that continues to grow.

thesockmonster - hoping things work out for you, I totally understand how upset you're feeling......sad but yes, I 100% am sure this is what I want, there are no feelings of love anymore, just friendship sad

lilac21 Tue 21-Jul-09 23:17:02

Lumpy, I've been there too. It took me years to say it. I had a fairly accurate idea of what I would be dealing with when i said it, and I ended up sort of doing it in stages. Last summer I told him to stop asking for sex because I wanted it to stop. We discussed the separateness of our lives and how to address it, but I knew I didn't actually want to spend more time with him - I wasn't ready for the 'it's over' statement to be out in the open. That took me until January when suddenly I felt it couldn't wait any longer. Someone on MN told me the time would come and not to rush towards it, and she was right.

It's all awful, BTW, and every day I know why I waited years to put myself in this situation. If we weren't still living in the same house it would be easier. But despite all that, I did the right thing at the right time for me and I don't regret it.

Your right time will come too.

LumpyChump Thu 23-Jul-09 09:34:01

So I said the words last night. As I knew he would he turned nasty, accusing me of cheating, of wanting to re-live my youth by going out clubbing and being a 'slapper', of wanting to get my sister to move in as she's looking for somewhere to live etc etc

He put everything onto me, said I'm taking him away from DCs, I'm destroying our family life to chase a fantasy, he made me out to be selfish and a really nasty person.

So I backed out, said I'll try harder and we can work through it. He then turned his attitude around and explained he knows he's as fault, knows his actions get me down and vowed to try harder.

He cried and I cried.

This morning whilst drying my hair we had a similar conversation, he said 'if you want me to go I'll stay in a hotel tonight, will that make you happy', I said 'if you like', he huffed and puffed and told me to call DCs upstairs to tell them Dad won't be home tonight and explain why (I was leaving for work in 10 mins).

Again, I backed down and said I'd try again and it's all me.

Sat at my desk in work in tears, I'm stuck and just as well accept I always will be.

norksinmywaistband Thu 23-Jul-09 09:44:08

You are not stuck, you have just old a man that you do not want to be with him and he has not taken it well.
He probably finds it a slur on him that you don't want him in that way anymore and is finding it difficult to handle.
Unfortunately I do think you need to sit with DC ( dpendent on age) and explain that Mummy and Daddy are having some changes in the relationship and sometimes Daddy will not be around as much.
After 10 years together it is going to be a long road, and you will probably have many f these converstaions in the next few weeks. But because it is what you really want then, you must not back down, however hard it seems.
Stay strong and you will come out the other end in the place you want to be.

LumpyChump Thu 23-Jul-09 09:59:25

Thanks norks. Yes you are right in that we've been together a long time and should expect a bad reaction from him but he is just incapable of being an adult about it. He isn't happy either, he admitted that so why stay in an unhappy relationship?

I know I/we have to have a talk with DCs but to demand I do it with 10 mins to spare was a bit out of order I thought.

I hate confrontation and as soon as he starts turning nasty I back down, so weak it's pathetic.

I don't wish him bad luck or hope he ends up in a grotty bedsit or leave him with nothing or stop him seeing the DCs whenever he wants, I just don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore.......sad

fluxy3 Thu 23-Jul-09 10:08:26

I am in the same situation as you. I have been crying/unhappy for at least 2 years now.... counselling has not helped and we are at a stalemate, he knows it's over and we are both miserable, but he won't go/won't admit it. Sorry to hijack your post, but just wanted you to know you are not alone . x

LumpyChump Thu 23-Jul-09 10:23:42

Your not hijacking fluxy. It helps to know there are others in the same situation, although sorry you are feeling miserable.

It's easy to think everyone else is in a perfect relationship with a bright future with no problems when you feel so crappy isn't it?!

Do you have DCs?

norksinmywaistband Thu 23-Jul-09 10:46:22

I Suppose I just see it from the other side - DH left in Feb, after 16 years together- I was not expecting it and was total floored. I was angry shouted and was nasty at times. TBH I don't think I have really fully accepted it.
I agree that the talking to the DC should be done with more time as they will have questions, maybe he could come back and talk to them with you tonight before going off to the hotel.

norksinmywaistband Thu 23-Jul-09 10:47:44

Maybe you could have some individual counselling, to help you explain your feelings and needs to DH

SolidGoldBrass Sat 25-Jul-09 18:46:34

Lumpychump:what he wants is you to carry on cooking, cleaning and looking after him and the DCs, no matter what. I don;t know what the particular issues are with your relationship but men who won't listen to a woman saying she's bitterly unhappy and wants the relationship over are men who think that women are domestic appliances that whine a bit sometimes.

missingtheaction Sat 25-Jul-09 19:03:47

It IS a really hard thing to do. It's perfectly natural to be scared of doing it and it's a good thing to go slowly and not rush into it.

I may have been the one to tell Lilac not to rush towards it - it's what my sister advised me and it was good advice because when I finally did do it I was absolutely sure and absolutely determined that it was going to happen.

But you do have to accept that it's going to be hard and horrid in the short term. You are going to have to be clear and firm, he is NOT going to make it easy for you, you are going to take a lot of anger and upset and irrationality and what seems like childish behaviour - and not just from him. It's going to be like childbirth: you are on the road to it, it's going to happen, it has to happen to get the end result, it's not going to be plesant but at some stage it will be done and dusted and you will be happy again.

Courage. Stop trying to manipulate him into making the decision and accept it's going to be driven by you. Start practicing your script. The moment will come, no need to rush towards it.

LumpyChump Wed 29-Jul-09 15:48:32

Thanks for your advice missing. I am getting there slowly but I do get frustrated with myself. He knows it's coming and everytime I attempt to say something he turns nasty. He must know this will make me back out because I do everytime. I hate the confrontation and hate arguing but yes, it is something I'm going to have to deal with.

No doubt I'll be back on MN for tons of advice over the next few weeks/months.

x

hotdog23 Wed 29-Jul-09 16:58:57

I just wanted to recommend a book I read when I was in similar situation. Normally I'm not one for self help books but this was fantastic. It is called "a woman in your own right" and deals with being assertive- it really helps with how to stick to your guns when someone is being nasty and aggressive and you just want to back down and run away.

Another thing you could do is try role playing with a very trusted friend that you can confide in. You feel a bit silly at first but if you can get her to respond to you in the same way your H does you can 'practice' to see what works. Even the act of practicing having the conversation in a safe way and sticking to your guns might help you be more confident during the actual confrontation.

I also wanted to add that (as mentioned in your original post) you were worried about people hating you. If you worry about making people happy all the time you will never make yourself happy. You need to do what is right for you. It is very unlikely that people will really 'hate' you (usually they are too caught up in their own lives to devote that much energy to another person for very long) but even if they do, it really is not the end of the world. You know what is best for you so trust yourself and make sure you are surrounded by people who love you and respect your decisions and your ability to make them.

Best of luck xxx

Curiousmama Wed 29-Jul-09 17:09:16

I hope you manage to say it soon and get the ball rolling so to speak. I know before I said it I got ill, lost loads of weight and wasn't in a good place. It's not healthy to keep all this in.
Really feel for you it's so very hard to do. Don't let him manipulate you though. Don't let him try to get the kids to take sides. My ex did this and he's normally a rational intelligent guy, but he turned quite stupid. We're ok now though, get on fine.

Best of luck to you x

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