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Don't know what to do next

(10 Posts)
newlysingle Mon 20-Jul-09 08:01:06

Namechanger here.

I think i want to leave my DP. He has always took it a bit far (verbally) when arguing ,but we had a chat and things were good for a long time, i got pregnant and since i've had DD, it is slowly getting worse and worse.

He has called me fat (am size 14 after having DD), useless, has never loved me, wishes his DD's mum was someone else. Then he apologises the next day and can't understand why i am still upset and 'bringing up the past all the time' hmm

He always says that i am over-reacting and he isn't that bad, he's wrong isn't he? Please tell me i am doing the right thing, i just don't know anymore. sad

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 20-Jul-09 08:08:02

I think that some men, who are abusive, really let this side of themselves out after you have a child with them and are, in their mind, tied to them.

I do think you should leave. His treatment of you is so cruel. He is slowly picking you apart. You will end up believing everything he says.

And what if it escalates? for now it is 'just' verbal abuse - mostly it doesn't end there. From calling you names to giving you a slap is a frighteningly short step.

And - do you want your daughter to grow up with this? Thinking it's ok to be in a relationship like this? Ending up with a man who treats her the same? Because YOU are her role model!

"He always says that i am over-reacting and he isn't that bad, he's wrong isn't he?"

He is very wrong. Very wrong indeed. You are already having to ask if he is wrong - you need to get out before the idea of him being wrong doesn't even cross your mind!

newlysingle Mon 20-Jul-09 08:17:33

Thanks so much Hecate, i really needed to hear that. I keep telling myself what if DD came to me in 18 years and her boyfriend was treating her this way, what would i say? GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.

I don't want my DD to think this is how men treat women and its ok. I dont want him to treat her like this either.

I told my friends last week for the first time, they were very shocked, and had no idea he was like this. He has always been the 'quiet' one. They are very supportive though, so i know they will be there for me when i leave. It took seeing their shocked faces to realise just how bad it was.

We both own the house, but there is no way i could keep it by myself, he can afford to and even though i love this house i think i would prefer a fresh start. I could go to my mums short-term, but then what?

MilleniumHandNShrimp Mon 20-Jul-09 08:26:29

Can you contact Women's Aid? They should be able to advise you.

He sounds like a bully, who is abusing you whether or not it is "just verbal".

brightongirldownunder Mon 20-Jul-09 08:26:52

Hi Newlysingle

I'm in on the verge of leaving DH for different reasons.
Hecate is right and I think you're pretty clear in your mind that you can no longer stand this kind of treatment (hence the title "newlysingle")
Stay at your mums for a sabbatical, but I think when you feel strong enough you should seek advice about your position re:the house considering you will the be the primary carer of your child. Maybe an agreement to sell if you want to start afresh? It may be worth finding a mediator to help if you think DP is going to kick off when you mention this to him.

Stay on MN and keep talking - there are some amazing people on here, as I've found out in the past week.

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 20-Jul-09 08:33:13

Then you rent or buy, depending on your finances. Sell the house, or have him buy you out. Legally it's half yours, you can make him!

talk to cab

queenofdenial2009 Mon 20-Jul-09 12:35:15

I'd agree - leave. I'm seven years down the line and it got worse when DD was born. I get less of the verbal, but lots of psychological games. And yes, it's always me being unreasonable and over-reacting. It doesn't change, but it makes you feel worse and grinds you down.

Keep reading the threads, including some of the older ones and you'll see that it really isn't you. I would also strongly recommend keeping a diary. I've only been doing this since the start of the month, but it's made me realise that the attacks are virtually daily.

In retrospect, I wish I had left when DD was a baby, she's now 4 years old and much more attached.

Speak to WA and read lots (a lot of people recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft which you can get on Amazon). My advice would be to plan, plan and plan. Mortgage statements, title deeds, see a solicitor etc.

Good luck!

newlysingle Mon 20-Jul-09 13:14:07

Thanks everyone for your help.

My Mum just called me to say hi and i told her everything,she didnt have a clue.I feel so much better now, she told me that there is always a way out and im going to see her later to have another chat. She is a lettings agent and says she will help all she can, and find me somewhere nice to live if i want to leave, help financially etc.

I dont know why i have waited so long (around 4 years) to tell people. Mum was in a relationship like this with my Stepdad and it took her 18 years to get the courage to leave, she says she doesn't want the same to happen to me.

NicknameTaken Mon 20-Jul-09 13:26:35

Glad you're getting support from your mum. Having dc is definitely a major trigger for this kind of man. Good luck with the new start!

newlysingle Tue 21-Jul-09 08:23:21

Saw Mum last night, i explained a bit more about what had been going on and asked her for her honest opinion (she would never give it unless i asked), and she said that she has worried about me in the past because me and DP are so different, me very sociable and him quiet and happy with his own company. She said she was worried i was losing my 'real' personality.

She also thinks that DP has always thought he was superior to me, making me out to be the silly girl always making mistakes. I've never really thought about that before, she might be right.

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