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toxic????

(8 Posts)
ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 10:46:11

sorry this will probably be quite long.

I am 22 and nearly 26 weeks pg with first very much wanted and planned for baby with DP of 6 years.

I am also biologically orphaned. my bio mum died when i was ten my darling dad when i was 17 (and on my first ever hol alone but that is a whole other trauma) i have my two sisters who i love dearly, and my step-mum who i call mum, and is probably a better mum than my bio mum would have been as although i was only ten i think my mum had some mentla health issues, she certainly had abusive partners, and one of my ealriest memories is being thrown through a glass coffee table by one of these men. As Ive grown older ive come to realise that i think she had a toxic upbringing which explains some of the issue im getting to i think.

since my dad died, my step mum has been there for me, her family have always treated me like i was one of them (shes been around since i was 5) and they mean the world to me along with my dads family and DPs family.

as you would expect my family (i.e step mum, DP's and dads) have been thrilled for us etc, however my mums family have been quite awful

My mums family consited of a brother my uncle who has two children a femal cousin we will call N and a male one, my uncle is now divorced but likes to go to raves whatever floats your boat!also my mums mum, and my mums dad and wife. My grandad died a few years ago, and he was in all truth a bit of a bastard. My nan is still alive but i have only seen her twice in my whole life as her and my mother hated each other. To give you an example of this ladies character the second of the times i saw her, my dad drove me forty miles to a resort where she was spending christmas as she demanded to see me then, she made me call him an hour later to collect me, as she had to go into dinner, and was unpleasant to me (a 12 yr old) when it took him a while to get back!! this is my only memory of her, as i dont remember the first visit.

Anyway that has all been backstory. MY AIBU is would ibu to cut them out of my life?

Cousin N found me on facebook, i accepted her friend request as i have nothing against her, but startedc getting hte "you should come down" etc tec. This became worse when my pg became public, and i have now had a text saying that i am unfair etc as my nan is dissappointed i am pg so young, and i am not married (WTF???) plus i havent called her to tell her so she is hurt??!?!

i dont see my nan, she never calls, and when i was a ten year old left motherless, and abducted by my grandad (go dont ask, my dad actually had to come and abduct me back, and my grandad still tried to get me back despite, at ten me telling everyone i wanted to be with my dad)she didnt do anything, call write or whatever. she didnt even attend her own daughters funeral ( i was banned from going by grandfather - again dont ask), she writes to me then if i dont respond straight away (work being pg having a life etc do tend to mean it takes me say a week) she writes to my dads dad, to complain of my "WAYS".

I had agreed to go up to see them all aug 8th but i think it will all just be too much aggro. I definately dont want them involved with my child and feel no fondness for them. AIBU to just cut them off? also how is the best way to do that?

I was thinking of writing a very clear and unoffensive email (cathartic possibly) but friends say i should just let it go and ignore them????

SOrry this is so long

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Jul-09 11:36:48

Delete your Facebook account and block this number from your mobile phone.

These people do not play by the "normal" rules of family behaivour; anything you send them in either letter or e-mail form could well be turned against you.

I would not have any further contact with any of your late Mum's family in any form. This family clearly show that such deeply rooted toxicity within it can and does become a generational problem. Don't let them affect you like it has them.

You do not need such toxic people in your life; they will bring nothing positive to it.
Certainly do not visit them August 8th and cancel it now.

mrsboogie Sun 19-Jul-09 12:03:02

God, delete them from your life, never mind Facebook. You sound like you have plenty of lovely family without this toxic shower elbowing in.

The goddam cheek of them, complete strangers telling you off for not being married!. They will only start work on your child once it is born and try to get it involved in their dysfunctional shenanigans.

Dump them fast!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 19-Jul-09 12:06:25

Why are you bringing them back into your life? This is a decision that you are making. Why? What do you feel you are going to gain by it? How will it enhance your life?

I don't understand your reasoning.

Doha Sun 19-Jul-09 15:12:31

Why are you inviting such misery back into your life.

Block them all from FB. Block their number on your mobile.

The were NOT there for you when you were younger and you certainly don't need the now to screw up both yours and your babies life.

Move on, in your mind they do not exist. You have your own life and family around you. They are what counta.

Don't be stupid--cancel 6th Aug fast.

ImhavingaBBaby Sun 19-Jul-09 18:48:36

thanks all also post in aibu and hada similar response. i suppose i felt obligated to them through respect for my bio mum but i wont be going up and i wont be making any further contact. they are not the right influence for me and i will gain nothing from them.

thanks for your help

PurpleOne Mon 20-Jul-09 05:22:37

They are toxic - please dont do it! you know it makes sense smile

MrsDmamee Mon 20-Jul-09 14:39:45

surround yourself with people who love and respect you. anything else is just stress, and no one needs that esp when pg!

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