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women initiating contact with men

(30 Posts)
annemarier Sat 18-Jul-09 13:15:56

I'm really keen on a guy who only contacts me with texts and emails once or twice every couple of weeks .He has his own business and has two older kids that live with him.He is pretty old fashioned and quiet but has a busy life with club and community obligations. We chatted on line and e mailed briefly before meeting about 8 wks ago. We have only been out 4 times we relate really well and have a great friendship and want to take it slow ,but how slow is too slow ? I have been use to seeing previous guys at least once a week .We have been passionate and I know he is attracted to me too ,we havent been intimate and havent had the opportunity, and he knows I wanted to wait until we were sure that it felt right . I have been to his house and met his kids and he seems like a very normal honest relaxed guy , just I am not sure if I should e mail him or text him to tell him I would like him to initiate more contact as I dont want to appear as if I'm chasing him ,but dont want him to leave it too long between catching up as i need more ,and am not sure weather he doesnt see me as a girl friend yet ..when does it become dating ? ...

bloodyright Sat 18-Jul-09 15:21:16

Hi there.

I had just composed a long answer, with different suggestions on ways you could casually drop it into conversation but see to be absolutely honest with you - My advice would be just to ask him. Just say that you'd rather see a bit more of him. That your hoping this is developing into a relationship, you would certainly like it to and if he would too then you would really like to see a bit more of him. Its not a big ask. Once a fortnight isn't very often for a budding relationship.

But then I'm fairly straightforward and cannot be bothered with guessing and games. And I'd also be giving up on something moving as slowly as a once a fortnight peck on the cheek.

But then, I've been married for 10 years so I'm a bit out of the way of the dating scene.

TDiddyIsaMan Sat 18-Jul-09 17:22:06

I think it is better to say "how about doing xyz next week" rather than "i would like to start seeing more of you". Being relaxed is usually better in these situations but I am several years out of date.

mustrunmore Sat 18-Jul-09 17:32:37

Dont freak him out by trying to arrange more than one thing at a time, ie dont plan ahead.
Dont freak him out by always meeting the same day or place or time, as he'll see this as controlling and rushing things.
Yes, suggest something for the next week. But dont always suggest. And sit on your hands; wait for him to get in touch with you, and dont reply straight away.
IME, when you see older men, its like reverting back to teenage years of very complex do's and donts, instead ogf just going with the flow. Even if they say thats not true. smile

mustrunmore Sat 18-Jul-09 17:34:16

Hang on, why did I assume he's an 'older man'? prob cos you said older kids. How old is he?

nkf Sat 18-Jul-09 17:37:36

I'd say go with the very slow flow. Why not? It sounds lovely to me.

mrsmerryweather Sat 18-Jul-09 17:48:25

I think it should be 60% him and 40% you in terms of contact.

He doesn't sound super keen tbh,and i can't imagine him writing this kind of post in dads' net- can you?

I think I might make contact a couple of times then wait for him- and if he still drags his heels then you know....

I am only saying this as I was in a situation once where I intiated all the contact after a first flush of enthusiasm by the man- and very gradually I had to accept that it was one-sided- he was friendly enough, but nowhere near yearning to see/talk to me as i was to him.So I had to let it go......

mustrunmore Sat 18-Jul-09 17:59:43

What do you class as 'not been intimate'? Not even tried a snog? Not even talked about being an item, even if it was all flirt-talk?
Tbh, if you've only seen him 4 times in 8 weeks, and not had any romantic talk or anything, then maybe he does just think its a platonic thing? Or thinks you do?

annemarier Sun 19-Jul-09 05:23:53

thanks everyone for your suggestions, I ended up sending an e mail(just brief, light hearted ,cheeky flirty one about catching up if he's still keen) today, followed by text to say hi and to check his mail. I'm 51 and He's a 53yr old widow .He's was divorced a few years ago and does seem cautious as his wife had affairs and he's only had a couple of relationships since ( 2 in about four years i think they lasted a year each )He has church and club committments and lots of friends but says he struggles to fit it all in and appologises as he wishes to have more time . We have talked heaps about relationships and have so many common values and principles.I think he is just a super slow nice guy who needs prompting ,as when I text him he's always nice and polite and shares my humor and follows up with e mails and is a bit flirty when I am ,so I know he's genuine.He has said also it's ok to prompt him as its a bloke thing and he doesnt mind ,and to stay in touch.I think next time we see each other i will have to put it to him that I feel I'm more keen than him and if we could make a set day each week for us to catch up ,if he's interested he'should' agree or make time. If he wasn't a decent person and so open and compatible I would have given up ,but some times I feel it's worth the pursuit or "push ' you ?

mrsmerryweather Sun 19-Jul-09 09:00:26

TBH I think you'll be making a BIG mistake to suggest a regular time to catch-up- that strikes me as a) a girl-friemd thing to do and b) likely tomake a guy feel hemmed in.

I also think you'd be making a huge mistake to say you are more keen than he is- if he says "Yes that's right"- where does that leave you?
You know that's how it seems, so why ask? If it's not true his behaviour will show that, if it is true, then you'll find it obvious too.

You have only had 4 "dates" so you really are coming on a bit strong.

The other point is- does he even want a relationship with you or anyone? If he spends all his time doing voluntary things such as the church and community stuff, then he is not exactly leaving much time for anything else- yet all that is under his control.

I think that however hard it is for you to stomach, you have to accept that if a man is truly keen, he will make time- to call or to see a woman. You are making excuses for him, as that's what you want to hear.

Either it works with both parites putting in roughly the same amount of effort- or it doesn't.

I'd say you need to back off- you have made the point to him- balls now in his court-if he likes you enough he will make the effort- if he doesn't, then you'll soon find out.

TDiddyIsaMan Sun 19-Jul-09 09:08:51

I agree with Mrsmerryweather_ don't try to book regular time and don't say "i am keener than you". You will upset the
natural flow/evolution/excitement/suspense of courtship.

Why don't you just offer to help on one or two occasions with his voluntary commitments.

Generally, I would say don't put it all out there; be a little subtle and casual. Is there a sport that he likes/plays that you could play with him? Can you start some some jogging or tennis with him. Can be very sexy to play sport together.

TDiddyIsaMan Sun 19-Jul-09 14:34:27

Just interested to know whether you have essentially "closed off the option" re: meeting other blokes? I would say that it may help not to do so until things progress further with this one. Might help you stay more relaxed about this relationship.

nkf Sun 19-Jul-09 21:24:15

Personally, having read some more of your texts, I think you should date other people and not build this one up into anything more than it is. He's a nice guy you meet from time to time. That's about it really isn't it?

nkf Sun 19-Jul-09 21:24:15

Personally, having read some more of your texts, I think you should date other people and not build this one up into anything more than it is. He's a nice guy you meet from time to time. That's about it really isn't it?

annemarier Mon 20-Jul-09 13:31:29

I have other male friends that i see for coffee movies etc ..but dont feel the same connection and as relaxed ,and the conversations dont just flow the same ....The excitement isnt there like it is with him ,I am always open to new people coming into my life ,and after thinking and reading everyones comments Im not so preoccupied with wondering what he's feeling .I will keep busy and stay optimistc and what will be will be. If we get to go out again I will see what happens , and until then enjoy my life as it is .

TDiddyIsaMan Mon 20-Jul-09 22:22:42

annemarier-i agree with that approach. You should try to invite him to a few of your activities and/or volunteer to help him with one of two of his activities; as you sound as though you really click with him.

Catilla Mon 20-Jul-09 22:31:18

Can you make some contact with him which isn't just about meeting/doing things together? For example send him a link to something he might be interested in and tell him it made you think of him/you wanted to share. Increasing the shared interests/knowledge and the things which make him think about you might help adjust his focus. Good luck!

TDiddyIsaMan Tue 21-Jul-09 18:26:19

are you bot interested in running or tennis or similar? Was thinking that you could share a tennis coach or agree to train for a 10k run together or something like that.

annemarier Wed 22-Jul-09 14:32:25

thanks guys ,well it's been great to hear all the feed back ideas . Sadly ,or strangely enough shock I won't get to see if they helped as its all ready said and done .I received a long email apologising for his slow approach . He explained that he felt bad that he hadn't been all that present despite really liking me .He says he felt he wasnt able to have enough time for a real relationship and he was avoiding getting involved as he wasnt wanting any pain .This tells me he is still not ready for anything yet as sees potential pain. He says he's content with his life ,but does get lonely at times even when he's with friends . He also said he has been catching up with female friends within his church and an ex (that he stated he doesnt feel any romantic connection with )about once a week for coffee and catch up .I think he has quite low confidence and mentioned also he finds it hard to control his physical passion once interested(this I noted a couple of times when we were very passionate ...he would pull away and oppologise as if it wasn't appropriate ) this he said was a weakness he needed to handle .. "like lust of the flesh " and I think maybe a religious concern for him. So hey not meant to be I guess ...soldier on lol sad

mustrunmore Wed 22-Jul-09 14:49:57

Oh sad. You said it; it really wasnt meant to be, you gave it enough opportunities, and you cant change how someone else feels. Doesnt mean youre not sad and hurting though, and nothing anyone says will help, you just have to work it through in your head until you stop wishing for what wasnt. But you will forget it soon enough smile Just dont look for the ideal man, cos there isnt one smile

annemarier Wed 22-Jul-09 14:52:55

Hey mustrunmore thanks ! just what needed to hear smile

TDiddyIsaMan Wed 22-Jul-09 19:07:51

annemarier - possible that this man is insecure/wants reassurance. Cos you do like him I would let him know that you understand but that you did value and want to develop the friendship so that he should feel free to get in touch if he ever felt like drink or dinner or game of tennis or whatever.

Hope that you are crushed by this disappointment.

annemarier Thu 23-Jul-09 13:56:22

thanks TDiddyIsaMan and yep thats exactly how I feel where he's at right now , and because he's a genuinely lovely person we both would like to remain friends ,we are there for each other in a christian way with e mail and texts is too short to be bitter . thanks

TDiddyIsaMan Thu 23-Jul-09 18:27:39

should be ....hope that you are aren't crushed by this disappointment. smile ....obviously

SolidGoldBrass Fri 24-Jul-09 22:07:14

Find yourself some hobbies and interests so your life is not all about Having A Relationship. Be friendly with this man by all means but hear what he is saying: he doesn't want a big relationship. And, without wishing to be rude, your biological clock can't be ticking, so why not relax on the subject of finding a partner for a while? People who are gagging for Relationships can be a bit off putting to hang out with or date anyway.

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