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ive been such a fool....

(33 Posts)
QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 12:04:04

im pretty sure ive cocked my life up, and my kids. Met a guy last summer, lovely funny, happy man, we moved in together in january, and he straight away stated his strong desire to have kids, he only has one child, a son to prev relationship, and he talked alot about wanting to give him a brother or sister (altho i have 3 of my own from a prev relationship, which his son is very close to) i thought long and hard, we discussed it alot, i wanted another child, i love a big family, but thought it was all abit too fast, but we agreed and at the begining of june i got a bfp, since then he has become, quiet, moody, very very bad tempered, bites my head off over nothing, his ongoing battles with his ex-wife have got worse since she found out im pregnant, and that has made him worse, he just does nothing but sit around the house when he's not working, moaning, nagging at my kids about there bedrooms. We just had yet another row, because he thinks our house is a shit-hole and he refuses to live like a "pig in shit" sad its not a shit hole, im a very very clean person, not very tidy i must confess, but i make sure it is always clean, he always has a hot meal ready for him when he comes home from work. What have i done, i shouldnt have agreed to having a baby with him, i thought id got to know him so well, but obviously i didnt sad what should i do, i cant talk to him anymore, i cant get through to him, he just gets annoyed everytime i try and talk to him, and he walks off. i just dont know what went wrong, or why sad

Northernlurker Sat 18-Jul-09 12:19:42

Well this could be a blip or it could be serious. There are some men who make all the running, say all the things women want to hear and then when they've 'got you' - usualyy pregnant they stop doing all that and revert to type - as a controlling nag git!

You haven't done anything wrong - this is all about him not you. If he won't talk then you can't fix this. What do you want to do about the baby - put bluntly do you want to have a child with this man? Have you told your other children? Are you living in your house still or is it a new place? Do you work outside the home?

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 12:33:31

I dont work, ive told my eldest son who is 9, he excited, bless him. We got a new place together, its rented in both our names. To be honest, at this moment in time im not sure i do want a child with him sad but i really truly dont have it in me to get rid sad i just couldnt do it. Im well and truly buggered arent i?

whatanothernamechange Sat 18-Jul-09 14:58:28

No you're not, keep the child, lose the man, or at least let him know that he has to buck up or leave, and mean it! And take care of you !

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 15:01:43

Not at all. If this relationship is making you unhappy - get out. And do it sooner rather than later, because the longer you stay, the worse you feel and the harder it is to leave.

It's not impossible. Many people end relationships every day. With kids, while pregnant, with no money...if they can do it, you can do it to. Believe in yourself!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 15:01:57

to? too.

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 20:15:46

thanku for those messages! Feeling very very tempted to loose the man - would have another failed relationship with a child torn between two parents again though sad <sigh> i had such a disasterous relationship for 10 years with ex and it took a long time to pluck up the courage to end it, i just wanted to meet someone who is caring, loving and can offer me and my kids love and security, i just dont seem to be very good at making a success of my life, which is bad enough, but i dont want to drag my kids down with me, id never forgive myself if they got hurt because of my bad decisions sad

ipiratethief Sat 18-Jul-09 20:18:31

well, he is being a wanker, not you. Have you asked him what's wrong?

is his ex mixing it up in his head?

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 20:35:05

I have asked him whats wrong, a couple of weeks ago i asked him and he just said "nothing" all the time, i asked if he was worried about something, money etc, he insisted all was fine, 2 days later i wanted to order some photo's of all the kids together and he lost it, shouting and ranting about how im "fu**ing clueless" and i live in my own world, as i should just 'know' he's worried about money!! wtf??? this time (thursday night) i have asked and he just 'grunts' so i finally had enough and i told him to grow up, i walked out of the room and he followed me, "whats your bloody problem??" so i of course said i was sick of his attitude and his laying about moaning, and he said i dont show him any attention and because i had been out abit lately (during the day to help out with toddler clubs and various other children stuff) he said clearly my priorities werent with him or the house and he is sick of coming home to 'this' ('this' being a moderate amount of mess from kids, as i said before im a clean person, in fact i have a bit of a phobia with dirty smelly houses, but it is 'abit' messy especially around tea time when he does get home) some of the rows we have had are just unbeleivable - a good few weeks ago he went absolutley loopy, because he text me when he was at work on nights, and he txt me at about 10pm ish, i had gone to bed early and had my phone on silent (which doesnt even vibrate when i put it on this mode) the next morning he just started carrying on at me, how rude i was, "just felt like you were fu**ing ignoring me" i didnt know how to react so i just said talk to me when you calm down please and i carried on ironing, and stormed off and shouted "well that says it all - you obviously dont give a fu**ing shit" and he slammed the door so hard it cracked the glass and he drove off like a lunatic, what the hell have i gotten myself into?? im so worried about it all.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 20:37:01

I can see that. What are you going to do about it?

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 20:43:57

oh, i know what i should do, what i need to do, its just going through all that break-up stuff again sad and i really really dont think he will take it laying down, if he looses the plot over a missed txt message, how the hell is he going to react when i tell him i want to end it and for him to leave!!!!!!!

Devendra Sat 18-Jul-09 20:48:31

God lose the man he sounds awful.. a miserable moody prick. Get out now while you still have perspective.. really and dont look back.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 20:51:32

perhaps you should arrange for someone to be with you when you tell him?

If what you are saying is that fear of him is stopping you ending something that you know isn't right for you, that's worrying.

Fast forward 5 years. Imagine you are still with him. How do you think he will be treating you? How do you think he will be treating your kids?

It's hard to walk away now, trust me, it's harder the longer you leave it.

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 20:53:12

Lol - he is a miserable moody prick, spoke very briefly to his sister this morning, she said he seemed 'in a mood' and i just said we'd had abit of a row - i dont want to involve his own sister in too much, but she just lent over and quietly said "my brother thinks the world should revolve around him, and as soon as it doesnt he throws a major hissy fit" - his own bloody sister thinks he's a spoilt child fgs!! And now im pregnant by him - im bloody tied to him!!! oh hell sad

JRocks Sat 18-Jul-09 20:53:17

He really does sound like a bit of an arse, sorry. You've done the right thing in standing up to him, he's trying to control with all these mood swings. I think you need to tell him to leave as he sounds very aggressive. Don't wait until further into the pregnancy or after the birth when you will be more vulnerable, his controlling could step up a gear.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 20:55:02

Another thought. how do you think he will be when he has a baby to 'compete' with? Your attention will be on the child. From your posts, he sounds like the type to resent that. With some men, you can find that things escalate after the birth of their child. That is something you need to seriously consider.

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 20:55:11

Your right hecates, i should get out now, i cant believe im in this situation again!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 20:57:47

Don't be hard on yourself. That doesn't matter any more. What matters now is how you choose to go forward.

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 21:06:38

Thanku! i will have alot of hassle from him tho, and what about my kids? they are also going to have to endure another break up!!! Plus my lovely mum, who endures all my crap with strength (bless her) is going to australia on the 11th of aug to see my sis, he may well take advantage of me not having her and my dad there for back up!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 21:10:42

what about your kids if you don't break up?

In the long run, what do you think will damage them?

You ending an unhappy relationship, or you bringing them up in one?

At the end of the day, you know him, you know the situation, you are the only one who can have an idea what it's going to be like, but you are thinking short term, when you should be seeing the long term picture.

QueenofVenus Sat 18-Jul-09 21:14:29

Thats why i ended the relationship with my ex, because i didnt want to bring my kids up in such and unhappy relationship! I really thought this man was so so different, i swear i will never ever get together with another man EVER!!!!!!!!!!

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 18-Jul-09 21:22:16

smile Don't think that far ahead, just concentrate on what you want to do right now.

Devendra Sun 19-Jul-09 07:58:13

Bless you.. Yes its shit that you find yourself in this situation again.. yes its even shitter that you are pregnant by this man... but you didnt know he was such a prick when you got together with him.. controlling men are always lovely at the start.. he sounds awful.. miserable, controlling, moody and aggressive... it WILL get worse if you stay especially when the baby comes and you have tiredness to deal with.

Your kids WILL BE OK IF YOU ARE OK!!!smile

Its hard to break up but ultimately you are showing them incredibly brave and positive behaviour in that you will not tolerate unhappiness and being badly treated.

Please leave this man.. do you have a close friend who can help you at this time?

spookycharlotte121 Sun 19-Jul-09 08:10:37

HAve you said to him that you cant see things working out if he carries on the way he is behaving? It might make him stop and look at the way he is behaving. Im guessing he doesnt want to split up having already been through a difficult split himself in the past. Perhaps he will tell you what is actully wrong and you might be able to resolve the problem.

However if he doesnt change then I agree with the others. Get out whilst you can, trust me if he is controling it will only get worse..... been there.

TDiddyIsaMan Sun 19-Jul-09 08:56:44

Sorry that you are having a hard time. I agree with HecatesTwopenceworth : your DP is a jealous child and will probably be a nightmare after you have the baby if you stay with him IMO. He seems the controlling type who uses diff excuses to control you. If you stay with him, he will probably use the baby to control you. Sorry to be so blunt.

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