Ok, name changed for obvious reasons. Will try and keep this brief, and I'm not looking fr sympathy or solutions, just a different perspective that I havent considerered maybe.
Together with dh 12 years, 2 kids. Never been a great connection with us, but its aalways been good in a companionship kind of way. Sex ok if you just need the basics; he's happy with that, I'd of course like to feel more emotion, and also that he cares about my tastes. But its never been really dire.
Emotinally not alot of connection; I think we were just playing the fantasy out for a long time. And we always had friends lodgers jobs etc to dilute our being together. We also had shared recreational activities that we now cant do cos got 2 kids and no family to babysit (dont say ask friends, we do, but we need those favours for emergencies etc).
I've been feeling really unhappy for about a year I suppose. Dh thinks its cos I'm bored.... I'm looking for part time work, altho we had planned for me to be SAHM till youngest in full time school (another year). But its more than that. Long story short, I had an affair. Not just a flash in the pan; he has turned it into friends-only cos he thinks that gives me a chance to save my marriage. Dh found out but we agreed to still live together cos cant afford any other arrangement.
Dh now thinks we should try again. I know I didi the bad things. But I cant get out of my head that he read my diary ie my innermost thoughts, he has told many people including a parent things as he sees them ( no parent should hear about their childs sex life. yuck), we still bicker, he snores so badly I cant sleep and neither can ds1, I dont want to sleep with him because it makes me feel used and its all robotic.
I need a job, childcare for it, somewhere to go to. It all seems so mammoth. There is some retraining I've set my heart on, but I couldnt do that till ds2 fulltime due to childcare costs, but by then I need to be earning. And I wonder if I'm being selfish wanting to be happier, I should just stay here and put up for the children; this is their best chance of a happy life, nice house etc.
Am I just hankering after a happiness that no one has? Its not the other guy that made me feel this way, but of course he exacerbated it.
I feel like there's too much water under the bridge for me to ever be with dh and not feel constantly cringing. We have both told each other alot of home truths.
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I'd appreciate some objective opinions please, cos I feel like my life's gone totally off the rails. I'm not about to be too rash, but if I had no kids I'd certainly walk away right now.
10 replies
diffnameforthisthread · 17/07/2009 09:01
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