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Silver Wedding Anniversary soon - help, I feel nothing!!!!!!!!!!

(7 Posts)
out4now Thu 16-Jul-09 21:42:50

Literally that title!

Don't know what to do, family are expecting a party and I feel so numb, empty and bleugh!!!!

Its a complete farce!

Don't want to leave, but need to move on and live together happily.

We don't argue, in fact dh has some form of special need, he's dyslexic, dyspraxic, problems communicating, organising daily life, problems with closeness!

Not once in 25 years of marriage has he taken me out, for a meal or on holiday in a hotel, but he does help look after the dc.

Its just a case of 2 people growing apart, I play music to bring good memories back, but soon as I see him, I feel nothing sad

sayithowitis Thu 16-Jul-09 22:35:08

Well, it's your anniversary, not your family's, so you are entitled to celebrate (or not) exactly how you please.

As to the rest of your post I don't know what to say. We have had our issues about a certain matter, but were able to sort it out becaus ultimately, we love each other very much and wanted to make things right again.

What do you want out of the marriage? Do you want the emotional closeness and the meals out, holidays etc? If so, does he know that ? Have you told him? If he knows but does nothing about it, what are you prepared to do to make him see the seriousness of the situation? Do you want to remain in this marriage but with the option of finding others for closeness, including possibly a sexual attraction? Do you want to split up and each have the option of finding a new partner? Do you both want to work on improving your marriage so you don't need to look elsewhere to fulfil those needs? Or do you want to remain as you are? For me, the only option that was not up for consideration was to stay as we were. It takes courage to deal with it, but it needs to be done. One of you has to start the conversation. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, I was totally aware that he might not go down the route I wanted us to take, but, it did work for me and for us. I hope that it can for you too.

mrsmerryweather Fri 17-Jul-09 14:39:05

Sorry you haven't had any more replies...

I think you need to take a good close look at why you are still with this man.

I didn't celebrate our 25th for similar reasons... and s imply told everyone we wanted a quiet time- my DH was actually overseas on the day with work.

It appears that you have been very passive in your relationship- in all those 25 yrs did you never say that you wanted to go out for a meal? Looks like you have allowed him to behave like this...

what do you want to do?

If you w ant to stay with him, you have to make something change- not just expect it to happen somehow.

out4now Sat 18-Jul-09 10:28:57

We have spoken, sorry I have spoken till I'm blue in the face with it all, he just thinks I should accept him for who he is, he isn't a chap that takes his wife out, or pay his wife attention, but he quietly goes about his business and life with subtle actions that you need to inspect with a microscope to recognise them, luckily I have a big magnifying glass grin

I know the marriage is dead, but, we have decided to stay together, we go along with each other in the agreement that we don't have any other relationship, but we do have sexual relationship once in a blue moon, (maybe just to release our emotions)

We both could never have other relationships.

We are probably as bad as each other for our loyalty, but things never get sorted out, dh doesn't speak his mind, or is incapable of speaking his mind,(special needs) when we try to sort things out, its always me that speaks, he never reacts, he still loves me and would resolve this tomorrow if he knew how, but that spark in my life is over, so we put up and shut up.

I can't explain why we stay together, maybe is the children, maybe cofe faith, dunno!!!

All I know is once the dc are at school, I change into this quiet, lonely person, I do want to change things, just don't know how, I'd love to make things better, I make attempts to go back in time to when things were good and work from there, but its not working.

So I'm left feeling very sad and lonely and I'm sure dh is too.

sayithowitis Sat 18-Jul-09 15:28:03

As I said originally, it can only be improved if you both want to. It doesn't sound as though he wants to. And why would he? You accept that he doesn't do the things you would like, not even taking you out for a meal now and again, pays you no attention, yer you still (presumably) do stuff for him, like looking after him, cooking, washing, etc. He gets sex now and again when he 'needs' it, without any of the emotional expectations that many of us, me included, need to make it anything other than a shag with a random male appendage. Your reply indicates that even though you would like things to change, you are not prepared to force the issue and actually deal with it, so you will be stuck in a loveless, lifeless, lacklustre relationship that is not worthy of the title 'marriage'.

I am sad for you. sad Your children are a sort of cement now. But what happens in a few years time when they have moved on with their lives and you are still stuck where you are now. And what sort of message does the state of your relationship with your husband send them about what is a healhty and fulfilling relationship? Please don't say they have no idea about what is going on , trust me, they do!

ZipadiSoozi Sat 18-Jul-09 21:32:54

the dc are fine, you are right though, it is impossible for them not to be affected, but they cope very well, we all respect one another and all cuddle each other openly, we hope and pray we don't damage our dc

DH's parents (not alive now) loved each other so much but were horrible to each other, so dh never had a good role model to have a working relationship, but I really think my dh and I display loads more respect for one another, enough to hopefully not make too much of an impact on our dc lives.

There are a lot more people out there that argue and fight constantly, we don't!

out4now Sat 18-Jul-09 21:35:59


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