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I have no idea what I am doing - or want. Please help MN...

(13 Posts)
HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 14:09:21

In a nutshell -
Am married, I do love DH and alot of the time we get on perfect, but there are issues. BIG issues and the root of them is my uncertainty that he truely loves me (he could leave me easily). I have put up with it all, and we do have something so so special, there is very much something there.

'sort of' broke up recently, short time but on a impulse I joined a dating site (not me). I recived alot of attention and was chuffed with it. I chatted to a few guys over the days (alot) and especially 2 are the sort of men I really didn't think existed. Mainly - kind. Some were pervs, some were pushy or just... not great but these two made me think. hard. One os very nice, so so sweet but zero 'spark'. But it made me really realise how kind a man can be. The 2nd, well. We chatted then talked on the phone - 5 hours then another 5. If I was truely single I would jump at it. He thinks I am seperated, in reality DH and I are still together, abeit different since the last episode. This guy wants to start something and see how it goes. I am stuck. I love my Dh deeply, I find it hard to move on, but alot of the time I find myself very much disliking him. This guy is scarily 'perfect' from what I know. Obviously I am no fool, and he could end up being a wanker but there is something there I want to try. And the wholely selfish part of me I will make the break from DH, not get on with other guy and have nothing, and I know that is truely awful to say but it's my deep feelings. I know everyone will say I should be on my own - it really is the only 'good' answer but I am all over the place. As soon as this guy said he wanted to build on something (when we hung up) I cried for DH. Our relationship. But (from experience) if I listed all his faults you'de all say leave him, but ... I am so confused and a terrible person

HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 14:19:47

If I am brutaly honest I want to meet him and if he isn't 'right' I can go back to DH. I am want to keep my options open and it's horrid horrid horrid.

ipiratethief Thu 16-Jul-09 14:24:52

it might help to write down the things that are wrong in your relationship, and tell us the things that have happened.

You arelooking elsewhere for a reason, it is hard to advise without more facts tbh.

Fruitysunshine Thu 16-Jul-09 14:27:14

God, what a horrible position to be in. You are married and feel there is something special yet you are prepared to leave him on a whim to see if this works out with the other guy?

Do you know what? I think you have to be true to yourself and if you really don't feel you want to spend the rest of your life in this marriage, then make preparations to leave it, regardless of who may be waiting for you.

If you feel that is a real hard place and there could be light at the end of the tunnel for your marriage then go get some counselling for a while and see how that helps? You may still come up with the answer of splitting up but at least you can be satisfied that you gave your marriage everything you had.

I also have another saying, gained by experience "If it seems too good to be true, then it probably is..." Just bear that one in mind too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-Jul-09 14:29:44

In response to your first sentence of your second post you open that particular Pandora's Box at your peril. It will not close easily afterwards if you were to meet that other man. What if your H found out?. How would you feel if he did that to you?.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would your response be?.

Why do you feel uncertainty that your H truly loves you?. Do you not feel good enough for him?. Where are the roots of all this; did your Dad leave you in childhood?. You don't have to answer that but if that scenario happened it may be the roots as to why you are thinking as you are now.

What are your H's issues exactly?. Why would we all say leave him?.

If there are problems in the relationship then both parties need to work on it and be totally honest with each other. Joining a dating site mudded the waters further and has certainly not helped you at all. You don't really know this other man at all and could be stringing you a line. Delete your account and have nothing further to do with dating sites.

HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 14:42:11

I have posted about DH alot (namechanger), for all his wonderful points, he is borderline abusive. Not day to day, but when he has his mind set on something - I am nothing. He's left me, one episode years ago of a flash of red - moment of voilence, finds it hard to show affection - they are just top of my head. But last night he came in, I had zero sleep previous night so no housework done. I went for a walk and came back to everything done (after his 12 hour shift), no praise expected at all - dinner cooking, everything.I felt sick at myself. He does just trundle on in his own loving way. But then can be so unloving. He says he will try, and not do the 'bad things' anymore and it'll happen again. Last time was after a good spell of a few years though. He is a lovely person, no evil or horrible but can be the worst husband Other Guy - I know perfect doesn't exist, but he has his little things I was abit "oh" about but he is great, what I've always wanted

HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 14:45:07

DH has said he didn't really want to marry me. On the other hand, he said if he really didn't, he wouldn't have (which I can believe, he is stubborn!). He has said in all honesty, if we weren't married now and I didn't push for it, he wouldn't. It's 'the way he is'. If we split, he's said he can easily get on with his life, he wouldn't really be sad etc. I don't know if I am looking for perfection too much, or I should just be happy with what he does give me. I don't know.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-Jul-09 14:51:16

Why do you namechange?. Out of feelings of embarrassment and or shame?. Those are truly misplaced feelings on yourpart. Name changing is your perogative but no amount of name changing on your part will change the underlying problems.

Sorry but he does not sound wonderful or a lovely person at all if you describe him as "borderline abusive". What does "borderline abusive" mean?. If he has been abusive to you then he will continue to be so. Even abusive men can be nice to their victims sometimes; if they were horrid all the time most women would run a mile and not even enter into a relationship with them.

Do you have children - if so have you considered what effect is this having on them as well?. Does not matter how young they are; they are picking up on all this underlying unspoken tension between you two. They are learning damaging lessons here; lessons that could be carried over into their own relationships in adulthood.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 14:59:29

I posted the DH stuff under my normal name,i do not want anyone to find out how truely horrid I am on MN so namechanged for this

DH is wonderfull alot alot of the time. He just leaves occasionally. And then will ignore me, turn off his phone etc. etc. He never shouts/hits etc., so I never feel he is, but others have said from what he has done, all in all, that he is. It's never meant in an awful way, like he wants to hurt me - he just gets selfish and thinks about just himself for a day/few days every once in a while.

2 children - baby & toddler. Most of the bad things were before they were born, or in the very early days. He has been a twunt I think just the once since baby was born.

ipiratethief Thu 16-Jul-09 16:01:48

sounds to me as tho, you have come to a sharp realisation that there is another way, another life out there for you.

This person on the dating site has highlighted this. I don't mean that he is 'the' answer to your prayers, or that he should even figure. Yet life changes, and we do suddenly come out from our comfort zones, and need to address what we have, and if it is really what we want/deserve.

HalfADozenOfTheOther Thu 16-Jul-09 23:25:33

definatly WAY out of my comfort zone. I hope I dislike him when we meet, then it will make life easier. I am never looking for the greener grass again!

mrsboogie Fri 17-Jul-09 00:00:37

WHEN we meet? you have decided then???

HalfADozenOfTheOther Fri 17-Jul-09 10:04:09

I don't know... I guess so.

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