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I know he's a twat, but...

(16 Posts)
whydoeshedoit Thu 16-Jul-09 06:56:27

OK, so you will all get your judgy pants on immediately, but I am actually trying to find a way to deal with/help this, ok?
DH's parents never worked. (In the we don't have to sense, rather than skiving sense.) DH was never made to do much in school and when he left school he chose to get involved with drugs rather than work. Despite this, he is very bright and did bother to go back and get a degree.
So while being a fuckwit, he was arrested and spent a couple of years in prison. Since coming out he has had various jobs every now and then but really has just been very lucky with property and manages to get by.
Since the birth of our children he has decided that we need to have some proper income coming in and get a bigger house. Great.
Here's the thing. He has started a new business and is working quite hard, but I can see the signs a mile off. He is beginning to complain about how he just isn't cut out for full-time work(whatever) and it's too hard/too boring/too much work.
He is a lazy fucker and I don't know how to make him realise that ALL OF US IN THIS WORLD do things we don't want to do because this is how life is. I am worried he's going to give up and we'll be stuck living on next to nothing for ages.
He thinks that life should be about enjoying yourself and seems to have no concept of work.
I am so tired of it. How do I help him?

skidoodle Thu 16-Jul-09 07:02:48

But not everyone in the world has to do things they don't enjoy, do they? The independently wealthy don't (as he knows only too well).

I can understand your frustration. It must be hard to respect someone who us such a shirker.

RealiteEstMaSeuleIllusion Thu 16-Jul-09 07:33:58

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Thu 16-Jul-09 07:44:44

i dont think you can really help him - he needs to work it out for himself.
Yeah life is unfair for a lot of people but it is about enjoying the journey more surely.
Making him do what you think is the 'right' thing will only build up resentment in him.

skidoodle Thu 16-Jul-09 07:51:18

He's a very low achiever when you consider the advantages he had.

whydoeshedoit Thu 16-Jul-09 07:52:28

What I don't want is for him to lose momentum when he's finally getting somewhere.
When we got married he had a job. When we had DC1 he had a job.
I have seen what happens when you grow up with an attitude that work is for everyone else.
This attitude, incidentally, stretches further to him not helping with the kids or around the house. If he doesn't work he also does very little of anything.
Do I work? I stay at home with the children. That as the deal when we got married. I have worked all of my life and when my children are old enough I will work again. Right now I am doing the most important work there is.

LoveMyGirls Thu 16-Jul-09 08:00:36

I think on one hand you are lucky to have him around, I'd love to have dp here to help and see the chidlren growing up with me and to have lots of days out and things on the other hand I see how it would fustrate you, he's bright and you could be minted but he chooses to just get by because he'd rather not have to work.

What if you both work part time? Then he will have to learn to help with the dc's and round the house while you're at work and you'll do it when he's at work then when you are together you will have a bit of money to enjoy life/ pay bills etc? Does he have the sort of business where you could both take on jobs and do a bit each?

whydoeshedoit Thu 16-Jul-09 08:18:08

You missed the bit that says he doesn't help. He wont. We made a deal when we got married that I would do the childcare and he would provide. I am keeping up my end of the bargain. I have worked all my life and feel I have earned the right to look after my kids.
He doesn't want to help with the kids. He wants to play on the computer all day and spend 3 hours in the gym. This is why it is unacceptable.

RealiteEstMaSeuleIllusion Thu 16-Jul-09 08:32:38

Message withdrawn

whydoeshedoit Thu 16-Jul-09 09:18:43

True, but I am not asking for a castle. We currently live in a small two bed flat over a shop in a busy road with no parks or playgrounds within walking distance. I would just like to move to somewhere with a bedroom each for the two kids and slightly less dangerous when we get out the front door. I shop in charity shops and that's fine with me. I budget well and can make things nice-ish for us.
It would be nice just to not be on top of each other all the time. DH is also complaining about the lack of space and says being cooped up with two kids isn't ideal. He wants a garden and he wants to have a room for himself. He wants to have enough space to have kids playing without stepping on their toys.
I think he is hoping that someone will remember him in a will or that he will magically find money.

buzzybee Thu 16-Jul-09 09:26:15

IMO he's unlikely to change habits of a lifetime. I suspect the best you can do if lavish him with praise for small achievements and hope he keeps at it - one day at a time stuff. And ignore the gripes. I'm guessing you had a pretty good idea of his character when you married him? Apart from being useless at housework is he good with the kids?

TheHeathenOfSuburbia Thu 16-Jul-09 09:49:50

I actually have some sympathy for this guy, bizarrely....
Basically, he's been brought up his whole life to believe that work is for other people and his 'job' is to have fun. And getting out of a 30? 40? year mindset isn't going to be easy. On the other hand, being his wife doesn't seem to be that easy either...

I was going to suggest exactly the same thing as LovemyGirls, working part time or helping out with the business, but you want to be SAHM (as am I, no criticism implied).

You say, "We made a deal when we got married that I would do the childcare and he would provide"
Well, fair enough, but the basis of this kind of deal is that both partners do equal amounts of work in different fields, not that one partner sits on their arse because their parents were rich!
So I'm more worried about the fact he does nothing with the kids or round the house. What exactly does he contribute to the household? Apart from his parents' money?

And has he thought about how a divorce might affect his assets?!

whydoeshedoit Thu 16-Jul-09 18:32:16

Just to clarify...his parents haven't given him a penny. What we have is the result of his investing in a few properties during the swell and getting out while the time was right and me having worked for years.
We are currently living on remortgaging the flat...we have exactly ha the mortgage is worth in the bank. In some ways this is great s we are liquid, but if the bank said pay tomorrow we would be left with nada.
If he were to contribute and share the childcare then I wouldn't mind getting a p/t job, but I feel very strongly (just my own thng...not judging others) that my children need their parents in the early years (they are both under 2.)
BTW...I am te bookkeeper for the business...I just don't see it as work. It's just helping out my husband.

HappyWoman Thu 16-Jul-09 19:19:31

so he has some goals - wanting a bigger house and garden - is there anything else he could do to bring in a bit more money? He has been able to make money in the past - was that just luck or could he do it again in a different field.

I agree that he need not do a 9-5 but he also needs to understand that you do need to work to get what you want. Whether that is finacial or not.

We often have the discussion at home with the teenage children about what is 'rich'. It may be that he really is happy just to sit on the computer all day and so has no incentive to just get money. iyswim.
He somehow needs to define what he wants and what he is prepared to do to get it and make some plans to do it.

Good luck though i think you will need it - i have a BIL with a similar attitude and i really dont think he will ever change - i know i couldnt live like that although he is a lovely man with lots of friends. We have bailed him out several times and i think that until he reaches rock bottom he will never learn to do a days work.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 16-Jul-09 19:22:02

To an extent, people who can live comfortabley (or comfortably enough for their own standards) without working are not bad people, There;s nothing wrong with being 'workshy' when it means you'd rather not shovel shit or flip burgers for very little money in order to enrich someone else.
It also sounds like your H has a knack for aquiring money without much effort, and that;s not a bad ability to have, either.
fter all, not eveyrone has to work, quite a lot of people don't work and have pots of money.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia Thu 16-Jul-09 20:54:08

Ah, my apologies, I was assuming his parents had lent him money to buy property, he'd done it up, sold/let, bought another, etc etc.

He can see that living off your remortgage isn't feasible in the long term....right?
I just can't help feeling that you've very much got the shitty end of the stick on this one!

I guess what I would do... it's a bit manipulative... is really get enthusiastic about looking at bigger houses with gardens. Warm him up with rightmove, maybe go and view some. If you are doing the bookkeeping (as well as everything else!) I guess you know how much the business is making? So you could tell him how well he's doing, work out when you'll be able to afford to move, and how great it will be to move into this new house and how the kids will love it, and so on.
It looks like he basically has no motivation, so you're going to have to provide it (add 'HR manager' to your list of jobs wink) until circumstances change...

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