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so we had THE conversation, now what do we do?

(23 Posts)
whitetulips Wed 15-Jul-09 20:10:19

We have agreed that we want to separate. All still friends but just outgrown each other, neither can see our future together.

He says he will give us some money, kids to stay with me. All ok so far. But how do we get 2 places to live? How do we separate everything? Who should we talk to now? Relate, a finacial advisor, an estate agent, or a solicitor???
Help!!!
Not told kids yet either, going to wait until we have something to tell them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 15-Jul-09 20:15:40

Sorry to hear that - you sound very calm.

A solicitor - and different solicitors at that. Things may be amicable now, but best to have seperate solicitors incase there are any disputes.

skidoodle Wed 15-Jul-09 20:16:24

Relate.

Best of luck with your separate but hopefully happy and harmonious futures

whitetulips Wed 15-Jul-09 20:26:35

I am calm. I have never shed a tear over the end of this 23 year relationship, 16 years married. Is that odd? Even when I knew 100% that he had been unfaithful, despite his denial. Not one tear!
I have been struggling on for the last 4 years. Have I done my mourning already or am I just numb.
Feels a bit odd really.
I will try and get to a solicitor, but the only time I will be off work for the next 8 weeks the kids will be around. May have to wait a bit.

k850plus Wed 15-Jul-09 22:43:44

Oh how I envy you!!! Is that wrong? I have posted recently re how I am struggling to bring to an end my 19 yr marriage as I no longer love hubby. In my case I think the damage was done 8 odd yrs ago when he had an affair, I think it killed my love dead. Maybe that is what happened for you, so as you say you have by now done your mourning and need to move on. I have already seen a solicitor to check out where I stand, unbeknown to hubby, got a free hour appointment which I understand everyone is entitled to. She was brilliant and very helpful, explained my possible entitlements re tax credits, said he would have to pay 15% of income for 1st child and 10% for second.

I agree the practicalities seem very daunting - but at least you are both in agreement about ending the marriage, has to make it easier. I am considering moving myself and kids out as he keeps telling me he has no intention of moving out and I have been advised that single Mum's do quite well financially!! I suppose that all depends on your standard of living currently, and what you are prepared to accept as your future standard of living - I can't see that it can be anything like the same, which is something else I am struggling with given the impact on the kids. Mine are teens so are very expensive with one coming up for learning to drive in a couple of months, so wanting a car etc!!!!

I would say don't worry about how you feel, be happy that you are both in agreement and keep it as calm and light as possible for as long as possible.

And the very best of luck - I am envious.

whitetulips Sat 18-Jul-09 19:08:47

I spoke to a solicitor 18 months ago, that is how long this has been dragging on!
Think I will go again, I do now feel I want to start our 2 years separation now.

I just want to be able to live in the same village as now, don't mind downsizing, it is just that we bought 9 years ago, so have equity, but it won't be enough for us both to get somewhere, as I cannot get a decent mortgage on my salary

Tough but true, and my kids are teens too, just got laptops for them today, treats like that will have to stop, and it is so unfair on them.

k850plus Sat 18-Jul-09 22:44:11

I know what you mean about unfair on the kids. My hubby has not been a hands on Dad and doesn't have a close relationship with either daughter or son,infact it would be described by some as very poor. He rarely asks them about what they are up to, has no idea who there friends are, doesn't like them to have friends round,lets me do all the running around and especially the late night pick ups - he needs to be in bed most nights by 9.3opm!!!! But still I feel guilty about separating them from their Dad beause I am not happy with him.

I confess that I am sure his emotional and verbal abuse has certainly had a detrimental affect on our son. He can be very verbally abusive towards me when he doens't get what he wants, and when his Dad hears this he goes ape. Questioning how dare the child speak to an adult like that? When I have the nearve to suggest that he might have got the idea from his own Dad - well you can imagine!!!

I am hoping to be able to rent in the village where my kids go to school - curretly I drive from from our town to the village each day, it's only a couple of miles but I wanted village secondary education for them not being a towny myself really. My thinking is that it will allow them to easily hang out with their mates and have them round and is in some way a pay back for breaking up the family!! It would also save me a lot of money in petrol as I am forever going back and forth especailly at weekends. However houses rarely come up for rent as its such a popular village as the school has a very high reputation - so I am struggling with that at the moment.

Live is a bitch at times isn't it?

We recently renewed the laptops for the kids - have to confess to having a list of things I wanted for them before I went ahead with this (private to me of course) next up it the car the our son! I feel so underhand and deceitful - but I am so convinced I am going to end up leaving under horrid circumstances, and that he will be very unpleasant when it happens that the kids will suffer even more!!

Good luck with your progress - keep posting, I have you down on my "I'm watching" list!

whitetulips Mon 20-Jul-09 17:05:28

Thanks for that, I could have written the same as you about the 'how dare you speak to your Mum like that ' Well where do you think he learnt that from thing!!

I am in such a similar situation to you, I want to move things on but am scared how to do so without changing everything to acrimonious. I can't believe it is going to go smoothly, but will be happy to be proved wrong.
He has mentioned telling our parents soon, so It is going to happen, but I don't know how to start with the children when it is likely we will still be all here together for a while, with the housing market as it is.

I am so numb, I don't think I have felt anything emotional for years, as a self protection mechanism I think.
I am just scared of the logistics, which is stupid really.
I don't post too often, only when I know he is not home, but will keep on here when I can, it is so nice to have support, and to have a sounding board.
Good luck and strength to you K850 x

k850plus Sun 26-Jul-09 23:49:15

Hi - how's it going? Have you made any progress?

OrangeFish Mon 27-Jul-09 00:03:55

First:

-Check your finances
- Deal with any debts
- Cancel joint accounts
- Don't leave the home, if you are going to be the resident parent, stay with the children at the current house until you are more clear about your new financial situation.
-Agree on when and where the children are going to see the non resident parent, don't tell the children about the split until you are clear of what is coming next (less frightening for them)

To calculate maintenance visit the CSA website. If you don't earn a lot, you may be entitled to tax credits and other help to help you bring up the children, visit www.entitledto.gov.uk

You can get a 30 min free consultation with a solicitor or visit the CAB (may be good or bad depending on who is volunteering on the day). If you go the solicitor rule, do your homework and get some questions for him/her. A good site to visit is www.wikivorce.com

Good luck

You don't need to have a 2 year separation to ask for a divorce, you can ask sooner if you can prove you have been trying without success (we mentioned we had tried Relate for several years and skippped the 2 years separation request... however, thanks to the separation of assets, things are still dragging on 2 years later.

whitetulips Sat 01-Aug-09 13:34:12

So an update.
He was away with work so I have decorated 1 room. The whole house needs repainting so we can get a better valuation on it.
He didn't notice for 3 days!
He has been in spare room for 5 weeks but had to move back into ours as we had a house guest. I have been poorly but on the second morning he turns to me, pulls down my pjs and when I asked him what he was doing said he was going to have sex!!!!!
I don't think so!
We are going to have to talk again, now we have had the conversation, I want to move things forward, at the risk of being seen as the 'bad one'. He said he knows my spark has gone, which is true.
So why the approach? Am i reading too much in to it, and he thought he would try his luck? Is he trying to rekindle something? Does he regret the decision?
I just want to get on with it now, but he seems to feel that now we have said we will separate in the future, that we don't need to do anything about it.
I am more confused again, but still not said anything to kids. Is that the delay? Can we live like this for ages?
Help!

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 01-Aug-09 13:41:03

I think he was trying his luck and you need to make it clear it is over.

Estate agent to sell your house and find 2 new places.

Separate solicitors to deal with the finances and maintenance.

Wouldn't bother with relate unless you feel you need help to stay amicable.

Good luck.

MuthaHubbard Sat 01-Aug-09 14:20:16

Agree with Fab, he was probably trying his luck and just because you were in the same bed - don't think feelings really had anything to do with it, just the opportunity was there iyswim? You said his reply was that HE was going to have sex....doesn't sound like it put any thought in to what you wanted at all!

I do think you need to reiterate that things are over and you are wanting to move things forward and see a solicitor and you recommend he gets advice also.

I know it's tough, I decided to end my marriage after being with xh 14 yrs and I worried about all the other things re benefits/housing etc before making the decision properly. Once you've made the first step and started the ball rolling all the other little bits do fall into place - even though it might not seem like that now! Get as much advice from as many sources as possible and keep posting for more support x

mears Sat 01-Aug-09 14:24:08

On your first post you asked what route to take. When my friend separated from her husband, they went to Relate to finalise agreement about finances and children. With an agreement thrashed out - they then went to the solicitors. Much cheaper to have the discussion facilitated by Relate counsellor than solicitor.

whitetulips Sat 01-Aug-09 16:52:58

Thank you for your constructive advice. I like the idea about using relate rather than solicitors. Someone else has said that professional mediation is a good way forward too.
I am sure that my posting on various forums over the last 4 years is what has kept me sane and rational-like counselling but from lots of people.
Now I need to get things started, I know this is the right thing for me, and maybe this will tell H that there is no going back. No amount of counselling will ever be able to relight that spark in me for him, it is gone. He is probably not at that point, but than I have been gradually planning this for about 5 years, so have a little head start!
I am on the edge of the sea, just dipping my toe in, but I am usually a take the plunge sort of person, and that is what I need to do now.

mears Sat 01-Aug-09 21:27:56

Glad that was helpful. My friend said that the Relaste people kept them focussed on the right track of doing what was the best for the children and keeping dialogue contrusctive. Best of luck.

whitetulips Sun 02-Aug-09 14:07:48

We have just told the children we are separating, I am now crying and feel like shit. This is what I have been working towards for years and now it is a reality I feel awful.
H did most of the talking, the children cried, I cried. All textbook stuff, the children must not blame themselves, we still love each other but can't live together....

I know this is the right thing. I could never rekindle what we had and H not happy to live like flat mates, which is what we have been doing for past month (very amiably).
I never wanted my children to be from a broken home, and now they are, and I have to take responsibility for that. Even though the reality is we will probably be less 'broken' when we are living apart.

MuthaHubbard Sun 02-Aug-09 15:00:53

i felt awful after telling my dc we were splitting....my 5yr old was fab but the 13yr old took it the hardest. i did cry after telling him.

further down the line, they can both see how much happier their parents are apart and they have both done really well in adjusting.

whitetulips Sun 02-Aug-09 15:22:17

Thanks for that. My son did list some of his friends who have gone through the same thing, and wonder how they could be ok, so we just said that it will be better once we have got used to things.
I was just a bit ambushed by my feelings, I have been busy suppressing all feelings for so long, but the children crying always starts me too.
Am releived it is out in the open, will book a solicitors apointment for us both together this week. Then we will be able to DO something at last

MuthaHubbard Sun 02-Aug-09 16:45:29

my youngest said that when i told that 'we will be okay, still a family just a different sort of family....loads of people are!' my son did say he was pleased we'd told him prior to his dad moving out, so he could get used to the idea rather than him just 'disappearing'.

i also cried the day i got my divorce, think it was a mixture of relief and sadness that things hadn't turned out as you would have hoped.

just keep talking to your dcs, tell them they can tell you/ask you anything at anytime.

MuthaHubbard Sun 02-Aug-09 16:50:06

sorry that first bit didn't make sense! my youngest said when i told them that.....

fluxy3 Mon 03-Aug-09 08:46:16

Whitetulips, just thinking of you. How are the kids today?How are you? I am in a similar position, although I would hardly say we are friends. 'That talk' is likely to happen in my home too and am absolutely terrified of saying it to the children 12,12 and 9. I'm not sure I will be able to go through with it... I know that staying together unhappy is worse than splitting up for the kids..... did yours know that things weren't right? mine know that we are not happy and that we don't get on, they are as tired of it all as we are...
Hope things are OK for you and your kids.

whitetulips Mon 03-Aug-09 16:40:30

Thanks. They are ok today, asking a few questions, then coming back a bit later for more info.
I had a look round a show home just to see what is a possibility, and it seemed ok. They like the idea of a bigger bedroom, but I hate the idea of less space downstairs!
I am going to see a solicitor on friday. I triied to get us a joint appointment, but you can't do that apparently (was I daft for not realising that?)so I am going to book H an appointment for him to talk it through too.
Children are ok about things, and I have told them that I am sure some days they will fell horrid about things and that is ok. As long as they keep talking as they are now it all seems reasonable,I just hope it will continue to go smoothly.

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