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so my exp wants to go into long term anger management and relationship counselling!

(14 Posts)
missylea Wed 15-Jul-09 14:54:11

This is the latest now! He says if he went into anger management and relationship counselling would i consider thinking about getting back together???? It is not for physical abusive but he is emotional abusive and I dont take it from him so im wondering if he is clutching at straws here? Is there any success stories out there that these courses actually work and do these men change in any way? We have ds together which makes it harder but i still would never put up the emotional and controlling abuse!

Ryn Wed 15-Jul-09 15:35:02

sorry but I cant offer any words of encouragement!!! It was all a smoke screen in my experience. Good luck though x

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jul-09 16:08:55

missylea,

Anger management is of no real benefit at all if the man is abusive and or controlling. It can actually justify the abuse further in their own minds.

Alambil Wed 15-Jul-09 16:14:18

he's not angry - he doesn't lash out at people.

Abuse is not anger - abuse is controlled emotion in the highest form. He CHOOSES to treat you how he does/did. He CHOOSES to be nasty and cruel. He KNOWS it's not nice and he still deliberately does it.

The man doesn't need anger management - he needs to go on a perps course, if anything.

As for relationship counselling, any acredited counsellor wouldn't touch an abusive relationship with a barge pole. It will make it worse, not better. He will word it in such ways that will make out it's all your fault and he can't possibly be held responsible because you drive him to it (or something remarkably similar)

Don't go there.... keep your freedom and build your life

ElenorRigby Wed 15-Jul-09 16:19:22

I think he should decide to have counselling for himself, to make him a better person without making it a precursor for getting back together.He's put you in a difficult position if you say yes there's a chance of getting back together he will try to hold you to it, if you say no your a bitch. Tell him he needs to do the counselling for himself and your DS, leave it that.

missylea Wed 15-Jul-09 17:15:07

Hi elenor thats what i have told him that he would need therapy for his sons sake. He said about going to anger management as well. I have told him no all day but the text are relentless and i can feel myself started to weaken a bit

ElenorRigby Wed 15-Jul-09 17:53:18

Missy, IME/O if someone focus's on their ex post separation rather than their children is on the wrong track. A good sane dad would mourn for the loss of the relationship with their and then fight to keep their children in their lives. Is your ex focusing on keeping in your son's life? It doesnt sound like it.
You have given him your response. Do not pick up his texts or the phone. Sorry to say but he sounds like he is bullying you.

Can you say more about your situation. Where are you living, what are you living on, where is your ex, do you have support, how long were you together, how old is your son etc

missylea Wed 15-Jul-09 19:13:29

No quite the opposite he sees our ds every single day and takes him every weekend. We havent lived together from xmas as we both have strong personalities and dont agree on things which then turns into an arguement and i wont back down and neither will he until a few days later when he texts or rings me.
I own my own home which i have lived there 6 years with my 2 ds from previous marriage. Dont have any family support but i have got in contact with wa who have been very supportive with me. I intend to do one of their courses which I believe are meant to be very good so i know i do have choices. I would also like to book a holiday away somewhere for myself and the older boys are this whole thing is so draining but everything is very expensive.

mrsboogie Wed 15-Jul-09 22:50:40

ah missy No! don't weaken. Anger management is just some bullshit that some blokes trot out cos they heard it on the telly and think it will sway you into getting back with him,

Every time you have posted about him you have said that he says he doesn't want to get back with you. He is just annoyed because you are in control. He wants the control back and is willing to tell you any bullshit to achieve that. If you get back with him he will take the control and the abusive crap will start again.

It is interesting that he is willing to give you this twaddle about counselling but not to agree to do the one thing (besides not abuse you) that would signify his intention to be a good partner. That is to treat your kids as equal to his child with you.

Ask him to guarantee that and say it is a deal breaker for you. See what he says?

Please do the wa course before you make a decision. Why does he keep texting you anyway - if he is going to do this anger management and councelling it will be months before anything happens. Or are you meant to say oh ok then and he moves back in intending to do the counselling which promptly never gets mentioned again?

You know this.

CarGirl Wed 15-Jul-09 22:53:26

run for the hills!!!

The fact he is hassling you about it is him tring to control you!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 15-Jul-09 22:54:15

Don't engage with him. If he wants to have counselling that's his lookout, but you don't owe him anything (apart from access to his DC if he is safe to have contact with them). Abusers often claim that they will go to 'anger management', sometimes they do so, but all they generally gain from such courses is a different selection of abusive tricks. Tell him you don't want any contact apart from necessary stuff regarding the DCs and don't respond to anything else.

missylea Thu 16-Jul-09 10:13:03

hi miss boogie he has begged and pleaded and i havent replied to one text. He has stated he knows where he has went wrong as he has had time to think (cause he is on holiday and i wouldnt go with him)! He says he is not askin for me to take him back but just would i ever consider if he went to long term anger management and realtionship counselling. I eventually text him and I told him NO but he sounds so convincing (which i know this is what they are good at) I would never move him back into my home again anyways even if i seen a change in him and i knew 100% that he would treat my children the same. He says he doesnt want to be with anyone else and the holiday is killing him... i just thought GOOD! I will go on my wa course and i am wanting to book a holiday away with my 2 ds but its finding one that doesnt cost the earth thats the problem. Thanks for all your replies x

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-Jul-09 10:37:02

missylea

He's only upset because he hasn't got you to control any more. Let him beg and plead; you must remain strong in your resolve not to get back together.

You were likely very vulnerable when you met him and thus you got targetted as a result, he probably could charm the birds from the trees. Controlling men like this cannot hide their true natures forever even though many of these men are plausible to those in the outside world.

You are providing a valuable lesson for your children here by no longer accepting his abusive treatment of you; they would also be learning from him about relationships as well as your own self.

Do not respond to any texts; by texting you he is showing that can't even be bothered to converse with you on the phone. Block his text messages.

You may want to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. That is all about controlling men and how they operate.

Do go on the WA course as well.

missylea Thu 16-Jul-09 10:55:54

Hi attila, I am actually in the middle of reading it now so i need to keep it up. The wa courses dont start until september so need to stay strong until then! Of course i wished and hoped he would be different and it would of worked for the sake of my dcs

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