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my husband says its over, please help me.

(98 Posts)
NuttyTaff Wed 15-Jul-09 11:48:55

Message withdrawn

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 15-Jul-09 11:54:33

I am so sorry. What a horrible situation to be in.

You need to try (hard as it is) to take control of the situation. Can you get to the CAB for advice?

And do NOT listen to him. Not allowed to tell anyone. Nerve of the man. He has made this choice and he wants you to protect him from other people's opinions of him? That is not nice.

He wants to avoid looking bad to the outside world. Tough luck. He is being unspeakably cruel.

Lizzylou Wed 15-Jul-09 11:56:54

Goodness, poor you.
I agree with Hecate.
You need to take back some control and sort things out for your and your DC's future.

YOur DH is acting like a total knob, when you are at your most vulnerable.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

dawntigga Wed 15-Jul-09 11:56:55

Babes!

I can't offer any advise - well I could but the holier than thou lot in here get annoyed when I tell people to put itching powder in his shorts - in short, your dh, for example, is a twat. Make an apppointment with CAB and find out what you can do.

Thinking of you.

TeamNuttyTiggaxx

poshsinglemum Wed 15-Jul-09 11:58:05

I'm sorry that this has happened. He has been a real arsse about it.
He's done this before then? It sounds like that everytime family life starts making demands on him and his precious social life he just bails out rather than works things through. What a knob.
And I can't believe you are not allowed to tell his mum. Why not? Too save his arse. If I were you I'd ignoire him and let the world know. You can't let him get away with treating you like this. It sounds liek he's very controlling too. Of course you are allowed to tell.
Are you positive he's not having an affair? Whatever it is it sounds like he needs councelling or something. He sounds very immature. I hope that you recover.
The fact that he has done this before rings major alarm bells for me and I would kick him out for goodf.
I am on housing benefits, child benefit and child tax credits atm and I cope fine. It's a good safety net until the situation is more sorted. Get onto the benefits agency at citizens advice. I don't have a number right now. Look ponline.

TheTeaThings Wed 15-Jul-09 11:58:31

omg you poor girl. What an utter nob end your H is. Anyone who deserts the mum of a tiny baby needs locking up imo. angry for you.

I think you can make an appointment with the job centre plus people and get income support though? Entitledto.co.uk is a useful start point to see what money you should be eligible for.

It will get better I promise you. However devastating this is - and my heart goes out to you - you will come through this and make a wonder life for yourself and your dc.

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 15-Jul-09 11:59:47

So he has decided to call it a day but you're not allowed to tell anyone? What a prize arse.

You need help and support - emotional as well as practical - so I suggest you tell as many people as you want to, who will help you.

Get shot of him out of the house asap. He can go and live with his mother.

poshsinglemum Wed 15-Jul-09 12:00:03

Also, it sounds like he wasn't a great support to you anyway. It's heartbreaking but you will be ok.

OrmIrian Wed 15-Jul-09 12:02:26

Right.

Have i got this right?

He wants to carry on living in the same house, not tell anyone, but stop having to care for or about you. So he wants to end the relationship but without any of the nasty consequences for him.

Bollocks to that! Contact CAB. Tell anyone you need to in looking for support. Tell him that if he wants out he will have to move out. He can't have his cake and eat it.

wendynut Wed 15-Jul-09 12:10:25

Hi NuttyTaff

I'm so sorry you're being put through this. First of all, take a breath and try to calm down. I know exactly how you are feeling because I'm going through the same thing at the moment.
Let's get this clear: If anyone needs to move out, it's not you, it's HIM. You have 2 tiny children to take care of as well as health problems, not to mention all of the post natal stuff so you should not be going anywhere!
HE is the one who has landed this on you at the most awful time as well as not being around as a caring father should. Don't worry about telling other people about what he's done either, there is no reason why it should be a secret. If anything, if others knew what you're going through, I bet they'd be rallying round to help and support you instead of trying to cope on your own. He doesn't want people to know because he wants to protect himself and not plummet in other's estimation (which is what will happen). You hit the nail on the head when you said that his family weren't impressed when he did this to you before.
I know this is all incredibly hard, but do think of yourself and your babies first right now. Do what needs to be done for you and keep yourself well.

wendynut xx

GypsyMoth Wed 15-Jul-09 12:12:15

Mention 'csa' to him, then watch him turn pale!!

See a solicitor, this is so nasty and cruel. But you need to find the strength from somewhere to fight this!

saintdobby Wed 15-Jul-09 12:12:49

No no no

so nothing would change except you're not allowed to ask anything of him because you're (secretly) not together any more? And you have to deal with it all on your own?

That's absolute bollox.

You can't make him be loving and respectful to you, but you can say what you want out of a horrible situation, and you certainly don't have to take on all responsibility for the sadness/ embarrassment/ financial problems that are consequenses of his decision and actions.

You can't make any plans, or move anything forwards unless you get some help, advice and support. I think you should do that now, then both of you will have something to base your future plans on. And you can, and should, tell anyone you like, including his family.

swedesinsunglasses Wed 15-Jul-09 12:13:13

You need to go and see a solicitor immediately. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour to let you know where you stand.

You don't need to tell him you are going, but call one today. It will make you feel much much better and more in control. Please do it.

Am very sorry to hear this by the way. It sounds as though you have enough to cope with without the upset of a divorce. What a wanker he sounds, sorry. x

LuluMaman Wed 15-Jul-09 12:16:16

i'd make a point of telling everyone, seeing a solicitor, going to the CAB, checking on entitledto.com and basically taking back teh power and divorcing his sorry arse !!

coppertop Wed 15-Jul-09 12:17:26

It sounds to me as though he's used to having everything on his own terms and now expects you to just fall into line with this one too.

I agree that you need to speak to someone to find out what your rights are and what help you are entitled to. Personally I would be tempted to put an announcement in the local newspaper about splitting up but obviously that's not particularly helpful to you.

swedesinsunglasses Wed 15-Jul-09 12:24:50

I wouldn't bother telling everyone - but do feel free to tell close friends and your family if that makes you feel better. I would use all your energy on making sure you are OK and well informed. Behave well and look after yourself and your lovely children, and don't worry too much what he's up to.

btw - do you have some help? Friends locally, that sort of thing? If you are local to me I am very happy to help you if I can.

Schulte Wed 15-Jul-09 12:33:28

Nutty - firstly, are you 100% sure he MEANS it including all the consequences, or could it have been something that was said in the heat of an argument, to threaten you?

If you're sure he means it, I agree with most posts here, you need to tell people about it so you can get the help and support you need. Try to just think about yourself and the girls now.

Also yes, he's the one who has to go, you can't possibly move house at the moment.

Can you get someone to look after the dd's - a friend or even MIL if need be - so you have time to go and meet a solicitor etc? Maybe make a list of things that need doing, so you don't feel so overwhelmed by it all.

Lots of hugs Nutty - you'll cope and you're a wonderful mother.

Juwesm Wed 15-Jul-09 12:35:09

Nutty my lovely, you really do need to tell some people, so you get the support you need. You need someone who will pop round and make sure you are looking after yourself, eating well etc

<<Stern glare>>

Please tell some friends and family so that you have some rl support. T and P need their Mum to be looked after so you can look after them.

TheCrackFox Wed 15-Jul-09 12:43:13

If he has decided to end the marriage then that means you are allowed to do as you please. This includes finding out your rights and getting the support you need from friends and family.

It really is none of his business how you live your life.

FWIW he sounds like a complete cock. 2 years down the line you will wonder what you ever saw in him.

NuttyTaff Wed 15-Jul-09 13:04:55

Message withdrawn

PuzzleRocks Wed 15-Jul-09 13:12:05

Oh Nutty my love, I am so angry for you and the girls.
As everyone has said, your first port of call is the CAB. I also think he ought to leave. Him being there will affect any benefits you might be eligible for.
Phone his mother, why the hell should you lie for him.
Are your brothers close by?

gingersarah Wed 15-Jul-09 13:37:15

[cwtch] to you, Nutty.

I agree with everyone who says you need to formalise this separation (ie get him out of the house and get your benefits sorted out) - there is no way that he can have it both ways.

Because you are married and the mother of your children, it may not matter that the house is in his name. the CAB / solicitor will help with this.

I am so sorry that it has come to this. I agree it sounds like he just wants to play at having time out of the marriage for a bit without having to deal with the serious consequences of publicly ending it. but your instincts are right in that letting him do that leaves you in a worse place than a clean break.

Please please please look after yourself.

swedesinsunglasses Wed 15-Jul-09 13:37:27

It's not true I don't think that him living there will affect benefits, child tax credits etc. I don't think. You will get child tax credits from the moment you live separately as it's perfectly possible to be living separately under one roof. So if the marriage is over. Phone themm up and tell them.

swedesinsunglasses Wed 15-Jul-09 13:39:24

I honestly would urge you to go and see a solicitor as well as the CAB. A family lawyer will know much more than someone from the CAB. No disrespect at all to those fine people who give their time to the CAB.

Kewcumber Wed 15-Jul-09 13:41:37

the house is a marital asset - it doesn;t belong to him

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