Awkward situation with dh and good friend

[hillbilly]

I have a very good friend whom I have known ever since our 4 yr old dd's were a few months old. When we met we hit it off immediately and a great friendship developed. Over time the husbands also met and got on just fine - they would never be close friends but got on well enough for fairly regular social occasions at each others houses (we live minutes from each other).

We both conceived our ds's on the same weekend (accidental) so obviously were close during the pregnancies and births. Our dd's are really good friends although they attend different pre schools.

My dh and I have a good relationship but as with most there are sometimes issues. On a couple of occasions I have confided in my friend and the last time was in around February after we had both had a fair few drinks. I was quite emotional (quite normal for me and especially so because I was going through a really tough time with ds who slept really badly!). It was not a big deal though and we talked the next day and she said what are friends for anyway but to be a shoulder to cry on sometimes.

Anyway since then, dh has noticed a change in her behaviour towards him. He has commented that she seems very uncomfortable around him and hardly speaks to him.

Then yesterday at a sport event for our dd's, my friend arrived after the rest of us parents and she said hi and kissed everyone hello, sidestepping dh to greet the person he was talking to. I even noticed this myself.

This morning he announced to me since he is now convinced that he is NOT imagining it, that after Friday (they are coming round for dinner with another couple) he is done with her and does not want to see her again, and that if she is coming round with dd, then I should tell him so he can make sure he is not there.

I am so sad and really upset by this on so many levels. First, does she dislike him? What I talked to her about was really not that serious. Secondly, how can I sustain a relationship with her when there is animosity between her and dh? Thirdly, what happens now for our dd's? Does that relationship also have to end?

I am very nervous now about the dinner party on Friday. It will be interesting to see how she behaves around him.

After Friday should I talk to her about it? I can't just stop seeing or speaking to her without explanation, but I also don't see how I can stay good friends with her if she is being so disrespectful to my dh.

I really need help with this, I'm so upset about it.

[HolyGuacamole]

I'd definitely talk to her about it. She might be a kind of person who finds it hard not to let what she knows about someone, interfere with how she treats them. I guess we are all a bit like that so I suppose it depends on what it was that you told her?

[squeaver]

You need to have it out with her. Probably before they come to yours on Friday so she can adjust her behaviour accordingly.

And don't confide in her again about your marriage.

[hillbilly]

Thanks holyguacamole and squeaver. It wasn't anything really major that I talked to her about however as it was making me unhappy perhaps that is why she has changed towards him.

I'm not sure I can talk to her before Friday and I am sure that dh would want to cancel the dinner if I did. I figure that if he wants nothing to do with her after the dinner then maybe I should wait until afterwards too but I really have no idea what to do.

I think maybe I should talk to dh tonight about it.

And yes you are right squeaver - I should not confide in her about my marraige again - but I alwways thought I could talk to my good friends about anything.

[hillbilly]

The other thing is that when dh first noticed she was being off with him (by the way, at first I thought he was imagining it), he asked me if I had any idea why. I said I had no idea but actually it clicked that it could have been about our conversation. Of course I could not tell dh because he would hate that I had confided in anyone.

[squeaver]

Maybe all you need to do is make some sort of point about how good things are between you and your dh now (I'm presuming that's true, btw!).

Something along the lines of "remember I told you about x, well everything's ok now" and give a couple of examples of how nice your dh is (withoug going over the top. And again I'm assuming that that's true).

[CrushWithEyeliner]

You have to mention this to her. If it wasn't anything unspeakably horrid this is very odd behaviour on her part. I would tell her how it is making you feel. This is something you ned to have out and yes, don't confide in her again.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I think she is acting in a very silly way to be blanking him like this though I know of someone who did go off a male friend as he heard he wasn't treating his wife very well.

She clearly feels protective of you but that shouldn't mean she is rude to your husband. It really isn't her place to be narked with him.

I wouldn't try and prove how good things are now, none of her business when she is being like this. Almost sounds like you are begging her to be nice to your hubby again.

[hillbilly]

She knows that our relationship is good - so there's no need to spell it out. I think perhaps she is protective over me too and perhaps just really disgrees with dh in what I talked to her about.

I agree Fabbaker that it is very silly behaviour. I just don't know what to make of it. I will have a chat with dh tonight but whatever happens I can't see how I can avoid mentioning it to her as it affects mine and my dd's friendships too.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Only if you let it really.

Wait until she does something else and then pull her up on it.

People can have disagreements and stay friends, but there needs to be maturity in the behaviour that follows.

[hillbilly]

I guess I will have to see what happens when I talk to her about it, but dh has made it clear that he wants nothing more to do with her. This is so tricky because I consider her one of my best friends.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Couple friendships can be tricky.

She was my friend first then him, my DH wouldn't have considered them his friends. They took umbridge at something DH said and now we don't speak. I am not bothered though as he is a thug and a bully and they think they are better than everyone else.

[Bumperslucious]

Oh dear, this is hard. Me and one of my closest friends occasionally confide in certain things and at the time we each have to make the appropriate noises of dissent against the DH, but with the unspoken agreement that we will never harbour resentment against each other's DHs.

We both know that you can never really know what a relationship is like from the outside and that we all have our ups and downs. The rule is you take your friend's side at the time (even if they are being unreasonable ) but then forget you ever had that conversation. Besides we both know our DHs are saints to put up with each of us!

You need to talk to her though. And maybe explain her the 'rules'

[IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern]

Maybe you should wait until after Friday night to speak to her because how she behaves then will be pretty telling in itself. There will only be 3 couples there and it will potentially be quite obvious that she is not talking to your dh and you will then have some firm behaviour to bring up with her.

Mind you the fact that it will be plainly obvious might be reason enough to approach her before hand about it.
You do have a frily recent episode though to bring up (the sports event) and you yourself noticed so possibly say
"oh I must have misunderstood your intentions but it seemed like you were ignoring dh yesterday"
She then has the option of saying well yes because you told me xyz about him.
Hmmm after my initial indecisiveness I think maybe speak before Friday because it has the potential of being a really uncomfortable night all round and for the other couple invited if she is behving like this and ignoring one of the party.

[hillbilly]

Yes bumper - you're right. I do expect to be able to confide in my best friends without them judging or behaving differently towards dh.

[hillbilly]

I think it may well get quite disguised on Friday in the general conviviality. I am sure she will not ignore him totally and in fact will probably make some polite conversation. Plus the fact the usually us 3 women will always end up chatting together more.

[bedjumper]

could you not call her and say something like 'now this is probably me being silly and i'm sorry for bringing it up but its worrying me. i noticed that you seemed to be avoiding dh at the sports day and am a bit worried you're cross at him for something? i didnt want there to be any atmospehere on friday for either of you, so thought i'd see if we can sort it out now'
emphasise how its probably you being silly rather than anything with her and it might bring her back to real life and realise how silly she is being
then hopefully she will make an extra effort to be nice to dh at your dinner party and he might re-think his tough stance on never seeing her again?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Nah, I wouldn't put myself down to someone who has been rude to my hubby. But then I am feeling quite bolshy strong today.

[Girl1980]

I really feel for you. A friend of mine completely blanked my partner for a while a couple of summers ago, when we were on holiday. It was dreadfully upsetting for me.

Soon afterwards, I confided in her about some problems me and dp had been having, and she took the opportunity to comment on some behaviour of his that she clearly didn't approve of (her judgement was actually way of the mark- and didn't reflect the real problems in our relationships).
She should have kept her mouth shut.

We are still close friends, and she and my dp seem to get on fine. But there is part of me that hasn't forgiven her. It still rankles and I question whether she likes my dp. Ironically, though she is very quick to judge others, she is unaware that most of the traits she spots in them, she displays x 10.

My policy was to ignore for the sake of a) maintaining a group friendship and b) protecting my partner's feelings.But I'm not sure I took the right path.

[bedjumper]

she is probably doing it out of good if misguided intentions though, not out of malice.
she obviously cares about you and is upset that your DH hurt you and cant hide it

you will never know until you talk to her.
worst case scenario (and this happened to me, i was the friend who couldnt face my friends dh) is that she has seen/found out something your dh has done that you DONT know about yet and is finding it hard to face him but cant bring herself to be the one to tell you

Most likely not that of course, probably her being an over emotional bint, but if you dont talk to her you'll never know for sure!!!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

I'm terribly sorry to say this, but my instant reaction was to question if there is something going on between them. He wants to avoid her and she is avoiding him.

Hope this isn't the case ...

[SolidGoldBrass]

HAve a word with her, ask her to treat him civilly (it's honestly not her job to judge him in public even if he is a shit). And tell him to behave civilly to her and forget any ideas of banning her from the house. Friends and partners don't have to adore each other, but the rules are: basic civility is required and no one is going to dump either a friend or a partner for someone else's benefit.

[hillbilly]

Just a quickie until tomorrow. I have taken all comments on board and will reply to them in the morning. DH and I have had a chat about it tonight and feel much better for having done so.

Def nothing going on between them two though I know that!

[hillbilly]

I have had a good think about this since yesterday and also had a chat with dh. I think what I will do is this:

I am going to say to her that I think I may inadvertently caused a difficult situation. That by confiding in her perhaps she has not been able to hide her feelings and maybe she felt badly towards my dh because I was upset. Also that I am pretty sure it to do with that conversation because dh can pinpoint when she changed towards him. And that although I love her dearly I cannot live with the situation as it stands right now, especially as i have seen her blank him first hand.

I am going to put the onus on me, that I created the situation, not her. I think it will be less confrontational. I think I will wait until after they come for dinner on Friday as I have already seen her twice since the sports event and not mentioned it.

[DrunkenDaisy]

I reckon they had a drunken snog or something - sorry.

[saintdobby]

Say,

'I noticed that you..(be specific, like you didn't hug him goodbye, etc)

And it made me think that..(you, the friend, feel uncomfortable, or whatever)

Is that the case?'

Then you're not accusing/ assuming. Leave it open and let her talk without saying too much.