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Would you go back to this man? Please take a look at this although it is long.

(105 Posts)
Theworldsbiggestdoughnut Wed 15-Jul-09 08:30:59

My ex while we were together

Drank to excess almost every single night
Went with prostitutes regularly
Was unfaithful with other women regularly besides prostitutes.
Phoned sex lines regularly
Would go out and disappear for days at a time
Took me out on occasions and abandoned me without a word in nightclubs or pubs to go off and pursue his own night out
Did no housework whatsoever
Only took on a share of childcare after many arguments, calling me lazy and threatening behaviour.
During arguments regularly called me awful names, spat in my face and sometimes became physically violent, pushing down stairs etc
Told me he would not support me to go through college and retrain and when I tried to do it anyway I had to stop after half a term because he could not provide child care any more due to his work commitments.
Told me that financially he deserved more than me because he earned the money and I was a SAHM.
Told me he could never give 100% to a marriage or relationship because you just get shit on if you do.
He believes men are more entitled to go out, have money, decent jobs etc than women and a decent woman is one who is there for her dh and lets him have the final say in everything.

Now he tells me his different, has changed everything and I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance. Says he was too young to have got married (23) and he has grown up and is now ready to have a proper relationship.

I can't do it. I feel like there is something frozen inside me. I have no more chances left to give him. I am 90% sure that while he has probably improved there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me.

I feel very guilty though, as though I am denying us the chance to be a family if he really has changed, I don't believe he has though.

I don't really know how I feel about him. I feel totally numb and frozen inside. I think I am what is called emotionally disconnected so I don't feel hate towards him, I don't feel anything really. Please give me some advice. I have name changed.

NorbertDentressangle Wed 15-Jul-09 08:33:49

Wouldn't touch him with someone elses bargepole -sorry.

rubyslippers Wed 15-Jul-09 08:35:01

not a chance ...

just one of the things you list would be a deal breaker - drinking, violence, using prostitutes ...

how do you know he has changed? what has he done

it is all words otherwise

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Wed 15-Jul-09 08:35:31

NO! Do not go back to this man. You have to do what is right for your dc and you, and by allowing him back into your life you are compromising your own safety and well-being.

Does he have regular access to the dc? Does he keep to arrangements and not let them down at the last minute?

Sorry but from the way you describe him he sounds like a poisonous individual who you do not want back in your life.

NorbertDentressangle Wed 15-Jul-09 08:36:24

Sorry that was a bit abrupt but it was my gut reaction.

You and your children deserve better.

You have listed a catalogue of things hes done, its like several threads from different posters all rolled into one IYSWIM -all of which show no repsect for you or his family.

Theworldsbiggestdoughnut Wed 15-Jul-09 08:41:08

Thanks Norbert, gut reactions are what I was hoping for as I seem unable to connect with my own feelings about it all. Just feel totally frozen and numb when I think about these things.

He is great with the dc believe it or not. Absolutely adores them.

It is just me that he didn't seem able to commit to or treat well.

expatinscotland Wed 15-Jul-09 08:41:43


expatinscotland Wed 15-Jul-09 08:42:34

He can be an excellent father without being in a relationship with you.

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Wed 15-Jul-09 08:45:05

Sorry, but a good father doesn't treat the mother of his children like shit.

<<tries to take own advice!>>

RamblingRosa Wed 15-Jul-09 09:02:39

Please don't feel guilty. You're doing the best thing for your family by choosing not to go back into an abusive relationship. I agree with expat that he can be a good dad without being with you - IMO it's not good for kids to grow up watching their mums be abused emotionally or physically. Much better for them to see you happy on your own or with someone else and see their dad seperately.

kitsmummy Wed 15-Jul-09 09:10:23

If he had only 1 of those issues then maybe, but with a list that way!!! Seriously, no-one could change that much

kidcreoleandthecoconuts Wed 15-Jul-09 09:18:23

No way!
He may have changed a bit but he is fundamentally the same person. He doen't deserve to be given another chance.
He'll probably be a better father with you apart anyway. What child want to see their father treating their mother like crap?
Your better off without he...but then you already know that.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 15-Jul-09 09:21:05

You would be fucking crazy to take him back. Sorry but no. People don't become fundamentally different people - it just doesn't happen. He's still controlling you - this time using guilt. Run a mile.

He will never change.

saintlydamemrsturnip Wed 15-Jul-09 09:22:06

Good grief no.

sandcastles Wed 15-Jul-09 09:30:22

Not a chanced...based on points 1 & 2, nevermind the rest!

You feel guilty because he has told you that you are not being fair, he is trying to manipulate you! He has realised that no one else will have him & is back, cap in hand!

You have NOTHING to feel guilty for. Your children are better off without his influenc3e in their life on a full time basis, as are you!

BalloonSlayer Wed 15-Jul-09 09:32:10

I read the first two lines and: NO!

Read the rest and: NOOOOOOOO!!!

The biggest alarm bell is this bit "I am not being fair to the dc and our family by not giving him another chance."

God almighty. That alone shows he hasn't changed at all. If he had he would understand precisely how awful he has been and humbly accept that you no longer want anything to do with him.

Stay strong.

LoveBeingAMummy Wed 15-Jul-09 09:33:56

No, if in the far far future (and I mean years) his behaviour and actions have ALWAYS been the way the should then you could consider datng again but to be honest I don't think I could ever find this sort of person attractive again let alone trust him.

MamaLazarou Wed 15-Jul-09 09:34:22

Sweetheart, why are you even asking us? No-one with a single shred of self-respect would go back to this man. You deserve a better life than the miserable lot he can offer you. You owe him nothing, please don't take him back.

I'm so sorry you went through such hell. Big hugs darling. xx

englishpatient Wed 15-Jul-09 09:35:25


ipiratethief Wed 15-Jul-09 09:38:46

you wrote

'there is something fundamentally not right about him and he will always hurt me'

don't let his 'apparent' change fool you. So what if he thinks he has, he's treated you abysmally, and you deserve to find peace, and maybe someone better one day.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jul-09 09:40:00

He's telling you what you want to hear and is trying to use guilt to tug at your heartstrings.

You are not denying him anything; he denied his chance to be a family unit by his very actions. People like this don't change because they don't want to and you'd be mad to take him back under any circumstances.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 15-Jul-09 09:40:34

I wouldn't take him back even if he has changed, and grown a pair of wings and polishes his own halo every morning.

Far too much water under the bridge, and me personally I'd always be waiting for him to go back to his old ways.

So in conclusion NO I would not take him back/go back to him.

Theworldsbiggestdoughnut Wed 15-Jul-09 10:04:27

Thanks. I don't have many RL friends and even if I did I couldn't tell them the extent of this. My Mum knows and hates his guts but I don't want to talk to her too much about things as she can be a bit OTT. All I want is for us to parent the children together in a decent way.

I know I don't want to be with him but we still do things together with the dc and have a nice time. It is not a case of Shall I/Shan't I go back to him. I physically and mentally CAN'T. As I say I feel frozen inside and can't imagine ever being with him in that way again. He isn't all bad. Really he isn't. He is not an evil person, just a very f*cked up one but I promise I do realise it is not my problem any more.

He just makes me feel very guilty because I can see that he is trying very hard to be different. It is not enough though but I feel very bad for my dc.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 15-Jul-09 10:14:17

He can try very hard to be a good father - that's what your dc deserve. They don't need you to be living together as a couple to have a good relationship with their father. Why do you feel bad for them? You are doing the absolute right thing by them by not going back to him. I would also cut down on the joint cosy family days - let him take them out alone while you get on with something you want to do - stop blurring the lines so much and giving him a chance to say 'look how great it would be, how can you deny your kids this' because you know it wouldn't be like that in reality.

Amapoleon Wed 15-Jul-09 10:18:58


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