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Once a cheat always a cheat? Is there any point in trying to save my marriage?

(77 Posts)
BeenThereFeltThat Tue 14-Jul-09 23:29:34

If anyone wants the background I've posted about this before under this name.

Last night DH left his email account open when he went out and I saw a chat between him and the woman he had a 4 day fling with 3 years ago.
I confronted him about it when he got home and he came out with all the usual excuses:

'It was her who started the chat' No, actually it was him.
'Poor thing she's going through a hard time'. What about the hard time I've gone through since his fling(s)?
Bla bla fecking bla

He blames it on the fact I don't want to sleep with him, am a block of ice, have never been sweet or gentle or loving.

I blame all that on the fact that he has systemtically eroded my confidence and love for him due to his 20 years of cheating, since I met him in fact. He thinks I 'live in the past' that I 'love going over old hurts'.

You might at this point be wondering why I'm still with him, why I didnt leave years ago...well, he's fun (well he used to be...), intelligent, handsome etc etc and every time I found out about an infidelity he'd swear it wouldn't happen again and I, stupidly, believed him.

Problem is we now have 2 young DCs and last night he threatened me with legal action if I try to take them away from him, which I wouldn't because he's a good father but I had said 'what is the point, we shouldn't live together any more...them seeing us like this is not good for them'.

I told him I would love more than anything to be happy together, to have a great sex life with him but it's got to the stage where not just my mind is rejecting him but my body too. As if my mind and body are in collusion saying 'Why would you want to sleep with someone you don't trust? Why would you do that?'.

Also he won't take any responsibility for contraception, won't use condoms and I don't see why I should f*ck up my body with the pill or use other methods which are invasive.
I can't get pregnant again, am getting on and broke and there's no way I'm going through all that again just when the DC are finally starting to be easier.
It's easy for him to say 'let's have unproteced sex, nothing will happen' - his life would go on as normal and mine would be even more difficult.

I got out of bed and hid our passports as we already have flights booked to move back to my country later this year. He is coming with us but I think he may have a legal right to prevent me from going with them alone if things deteriorate. I said to him if you are coming with us then we have got to do something about our crap relationship. If you aren't prepared to do anything about it then don't come.

What a mess, how did things get this way?
Does anyone have any wisdom?

expatinscotland Tue 14-Jul-09 23:35:06

I nominate this thread for rhetorical question of the year.

BeenThereFeltThat Tue 14-Jul-09 23:46:58

er, thanks expat.

BeenThereFeltThat Tue 14-Jul-09 23:52:06

Ok, I'll sum it up in one sentence -
"Has anyone genuinely managed to forgive and forget and go on to have a much better relationship with their DH after an affair or several...?"

GypsyMoth Tue 14-Jul-09 23:53:07

he cheats over a 20 year period, yet refuses to use protection? Have you been to a clinic yet??!

expatinscotland Tue 14-Jul-09 23:53:26

He's been cheating on you for 20 years.

He's not going to change, and so it's not going to be possible for you to forget because how can you forget what he continually does in the present?

watsthestory Tue 14-Jul-09 23:53:49

Message withdrawn

thumbwitch Wed 15-Jul-09 00:03:02

I came on this thread to say I know of a man who cheated once on his DW and had to leave his v. young son - he would never do it again, it was the most miserable time of his life and he has no clue what he was thinking at the time.
I thought it might help you - and then I saw that he has been systematically cheating on you for 20 years. shock

Of COURSE he's not going to stop - why would he? You've put up with it this long, why on earth would he think you would do anything different? And since you're putting up with it, why on earth would he choose to stop?
The man's a selfish creep. And you need to both face up to that, and find some self-respect again.

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:04:08

It wasn't always cheating with intercourse, sometimes was 'just' a blow job or kissing or a 'romance' that didn't get physical.

He used condoms during the fling 3 years ago because she insisted.

He hadn't had sex with anyone else for at least 7 yeasr prior to that.


BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:07:47

He seems willing to go to Relate or similar. Maybe if someone else other than me tells him he's a selfish creep it might help?

My family love him, they think he's wonderful. Everyone think he's wonderful actually. Nobody knows about the cheating.

watsthestory Wed 15-Jul-09 00:11:26

Message withdrawn

Tortington Wed 15-Jul-09 00:12:48


he always used contraception did he - he swore it i suppose

c'mon lady dont be so naive.

get out now hes a shabby cheating no good mother fucking whorebag shit face - who plainly doesn't even like you.

you just don't do shit like that to people you like

see a solicitor - get your financial shit in order.

and fuck the bastard off

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:13:45

Right, so, are you all agreed that even with hardly any more information other than that he has regularly cheated over a 20 year period I should leave him on that basis alone?

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:16:06

the eggy pudding has spoken

HolyGuacamole Wed 15-Jul-09 00:16:40

Walk, in fact run away. He is NOT for changing. Blow job, kiss, romance.....whatever, it's all cheating.

Once perhaps is forgiveable, but consistently over 20 years. No way Jose. He has no reason to stop because you keep taking him back - he has so far had nothing to lose, no consequences to his actions.

And about the contraception thing - are you mad? Come one, you truly cannot be serious? If he will not take responsibility and you (choose to) sleep with him without protection......well, I don't need to explain the rest.

If he was my DH, he'd BE. OUT. ON. HIS. ARSE......about 19 years ago!

hambler Wed 15-Jul-09 00:18:58

No you should not necessarily leave him but you need to consider whether him going on as he is (which looks likely) is overall acceptable/ preferable to the devestation of a split.

If faithfulness is important to you above all else it's not looking good

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:20:34

I don't sleep with him. We have had sex maybe twice in the last 12 months.

BOFwithagallicshrug Wed 15-Jul-09 00:20:41


< gavel >

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:24:04

hambler - i think if i slept with him regularly and we were not so antagonistic towards each other all the time (tho to be fair it is mostly me that is antagonistic, strangely enough)i.e. happier as a whole, then he probably wouldn't stray. He blames a lot of it on my low sex drive.

I think a split would be devastating for us all but I don't want to be the mug any more.

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:25:15


BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:27:01

divorce the mother f*cker 'A'?

BItOfFun Wed 15-Jul-09 00:27:48

I think this one maybe copyrighted to expat :

Dump The Mutha Fucka Already


hambler Wed 15-Jul-09 00:28:14

DTMFA = ditch the mother fucker already

Been there do you think re your last post he has a point AT ALL (not to excuse his infidelity for a sec)?

Have you tried putting on a jolly front for a bit to move things along to a happier way of being ?
Do you withold sexually to make a point or are you just not up for it?

HolyGuacamole Wed 15-Jul-09 00:29:46

OK, so hump him every single day and he will never, ever cheat again and you will be happy ever after. Job done.

So, just the contraception thang to sort out now?


Seriously though. He is not cheating for 20 years because he isn't getting any from you. He is cheating for 20 years because quite frankly, he doesn't give a shit about how much it upsets you.

BeenThereFeltThat Wed 15-Jul-09 00:31:37

hambler - "Have you tried putting on a jolly front for a bit to move things along to a happier way of being ? " I find it almost impossible to put on a front in any situation. So, no.

"Do you withold sexually to make a point or are you just not up for it? " Both.

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