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Mum trouble ... why is she doing this or am I being too sensitive?(9 Posts)
I've recently moved 300 hundred miles to live with my parents as my marriage has broken up. I've brought my daughter (2) with me, given up a well paid job and left my lovely house, were both living in one room and I'm finding it hard work and feel very sad about it all.
I know my parents are being very kind by letting us stay with them for free BUT I have a few things that are bothering me and I can't decide if I'm being over sensitive or is my Mum being out of order and a bit cruel?
So I need some honest MN's advice please!
This is what has happened so far (I've only been here three days)!!
I have a twin brother, were both 40 next week, he is going away for the weekend with his wife and my parents are looking after their daughter, I also asked my parents if they could sit for my daughter on Saturday night so I can go out with the girls for about four or five hours, she will be asleep and I can pretty much guarantee she won't wake up. My Mum said NO as they have other GD and she is hard work, I was very embarassed and felt sad they would do it for him and not me, I would put her to bed so all they have got to do is listen out for her?? I can't do another night as I'm have a joint meal with my other friend who is 40 that weekend to.
I have put my DD food in the fridge, just yoghurts, smoothies etc and my mum went out and bought a mini fridge today and put all my DD stuff in there saying it 'was a nuisance' there are yoghurts for other GD but there OK in there, but not hers??
I stack all the plastic plates, bowls for both GD's together in the cupboard and she has separated them into two piles, WTF does it matter, has she got germs or something!
I put my DD nappies and wipes in a basket with other GD's where they change her when she comes (twice a week) and my Mum has taken them out and put them in my room??
When she changed other GD's nappy the other day, I said jokingly pooie, smelly bottom and she went into one and said very aggressively 'she doesn't smell any worse than any other toddler', bloody hell I was joking, my DD bottom stinks!! [winks]
More or less ignores my daughter when other GD is there, never picks her up, plays or reads with her but has so much time and patience for the other one?
I know I'm moaning and probably over reacting but I need to get it off my chest and I feel so sorry for myself and my DD as she is a delightful little girl and absolutely no trouble at all. By the way my Dad is fantastic with both of them so I cannot complain about him!
We have always had a very fiery relationship and she thinks she can tell me what to do even though I 40 FFS!!
Isuspect she thinks she is helping you by making sure that they don't accidentally use any of your stuff for their opther GD. I wonder if you are feeling more sensitive about this sort of thing than usual because you are still, naturally, feeling fragile after the break up of your marriage?
As to the birthday, it is sad, but maybe your mum is worried how she would cope with both grandchildren if by chance, yours did wake up? If the last time she had two young children to look after was when you and your brother were that age, she is probably out of the habit and worried about her own capabilities, not being nasty to you, though I can see how you would think she is.
You have only been there three days. You are still getting used to a new situation. Having you live there is very different to stoppng for a few nights holiday. Give it time and try to compromise. After all, your parents have opened their home to you and your DD,if your mum wanted to be cruel she needn't have done that need she?
It sounds unfair, but then your mum sounds like she's got alot on her plate at the moment. Why did you leave your well paid job and house and move 300 miles because your marriage broke up? If mine broke up the last thing I'd do would be to leave my job and friends to go to my parents'. That's not my home any more and hasn't been for over 20 years. You maybe had an unrealistic idea of how things would be when you left your home. Parents aren't generally overjoyed when their adult offspring move back in with them, especially if you could have stayed where you were and just sent your daughter to a childminder or nursery. If you're 40 your parents must be nearing pension age if not already. Old people like to have things just so and aren't easy to live with, even old people you love. The 2 piles and separate fridge for no particular reason just sounds like an elderly person not liking having their routine disrupted.
oh god, how long do you have to be there?
my mum showed horrendous bias towards my nephew - I feel guilty even saying it now, BUT that was on the rare occassion we saw them all and not all living together
there is no explination for the way families behave and it sounds awful, a seperate fridge ffs
bide your time, bite your tongue, don't ask any favours and move out as soon as you can
Tbh she sounds resentful- this doesn't mean she doesn't love you and tyour dd, but she was settled in a routine and getting older and now everything's changed.
It's a huge thing that has happened for both of you.
The babysitting thing is unfair, but I'm guessing everything extra you ask of her goes like this in her mind 'she's moved in and she wants ....too?!'
However keen she was for you to move in and help you the realigy may feel very different for her-she had an idea of how her future would be and now it's changed.
Is there any way you can talk about this in a calm way?Start every sentence with 'It feels like...' respond with 'It sounds like you feel....' and avoid confrontational stuff like 'You are being unfair..'
It may not be a long term solution you living with them- you need to explore any options you have now.
It sounds like very hard work. Good luck.
perhaps she is showign some sort of upper hand
or another thought, perhaps she doesnt want the gd she normally looks after to feel jealous and put out?
bite your tongue.
have you any plans to move out?
I don't think you are being too sensitive and ime this type of thing only gets worse. I can understand the big upheaval thing for her but the seperate fridge thing is horrible.
Is your relationship fiery or is your mother controlling? Just a thought.
Personally I would try and move out as soon as possible.
Thanks for the messages!
My mum is controlling and always has been, but she can also be kind, generous and very good to me!
I gave up my job because I have always wanted to go back to Wales, this was my opportunity to do it really, I have many friends up here and all my family. My husband has wanted to move here to so it seemed like the right thing to do? Even though were not going to be together, he has decided he can't bear to be away from his daughter so is moving here to, which is a really good thing.
My M&D are both retired and not in the best of health, so I feel a bit guilty now for changing their lifestyle, after all they didn't have to say yes to us moving in, in fact it was them that insisted!! She is very set in her ways, shops on the same day, has her hair done on the same day, cleans on the same day ............ and then we come along!!
I am going to move out as soon as a I get another job and can rent myself a house so I will just bite my tongue and count my blessings!
I did the very same thing when my marriage broke down (except the job)
My mother had moved me and the DDs out of her home behind my back, into some house with a bloke 'she thought' I was getting on with, 5 weeks after I'd moved in with parents.
My name wasn't on tenancy, an the bloke moved out 3 days later in the middle of the night and left us fucked....
I also moved in with them because I wanted to move and get a fresh start at the seaside.
8 years after that happened, I still havent forgotten and me and my mother dont speak anymore.
Save as hard and as quick as you can!!!
She sounds like my mother.
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