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need to talk through my marriage if anyone is available.

(53 Posts)
changedtothis Tue 14-Jul-09 20:23:51

Where to start?

OK. married over 10 years. Children. (who happen to have disabilities which means sometimes it's a bit challenging)

Husband never wants sex. Over the years I have learned to accept this, even convinced myself I was happy with it. I am not. But I am not going to leave because I do not want to be on my own. And in many ways he is a good bloke. We get on very well. Recently we have been affectionate (cuddles, kiss) after years of living like flatmates. But I know it's not going to go anywhere.

He says he has no sex drive because of all the problems we've had and ok, over the years there have been a few, but bloody HELL other people have worse and still get it up! 8 years and counting with NO sex because we have had problems hmm. house problems, kid problems. business problems. But he won't ever look back and see a pattern. It's always - this is the reason RIGHT NOW. But what about before? It seems like things will always be like this. Get one thing sorted and he'll look to the next reason why he can't get it up and we have no life!

The main problem is his drinking. He doesn't drink every day, or even every week. He can go weeks between drinking but he cannot STOP when he starts. Or will not. Also, everything that happens he responds by taking off and finding a pub. If there is a problem, he has to drink. I don't get it. I feel like it is an excuse.

Like now. He is in the pub. Because - his brother's wife is over (without any notice! First we knew was a phone call saying she was in the country!!) and we have no money and because of building works have nowhere to put her up. Now that is just something you explain to her, right?

Noooooooo. Because of this he has gone to drink. He needs to think. hmm Why does he have to respond to every little thing by drinking?

And he's always tired. He doesn't work 12 hours down the pit ffs. So why does he have to go and lie down every evening saying how tired he is? And he's always telling me how he feels tired and must be coming down with something - like being tired is something new for him, when in fact he has been spending most of his time on the bed for years.

He's either very depressed, or he just hates being with me, I don't know which. But selfishly I want a proper marriage, with a husband who wants me and wants to be with me and who doesn't take to alcohol for every stupid thing, making such a drama out of things that would not disturb anyone else!!

I just feel like nobody else lives like this and I am fed up of it. I think I have been patient - I have stuck with him for 8 years of not feeling attractive or wanted and having him disappear overnight, claiming to have slept in the car. I am in my 30s, he is in his 40s. I've wasted over a decade of my life and I feel so sick of it.

All that matters is how HE feels.

He doesn't want sex, so no sex
He wants to drink and stay out, so he drinks and stays out.
He wants to send lots of money to his home country so we send so much over that we have NOTHING here and I hesitate to spend a quid, thinking do I REALLY have to buy it.

What about me? What about what I want?

I don't want to leave him, but there has to be a way to push for change? Surely? To get through to him?

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:31:48

I suspect nobody replied because that was far too long and far too boring!

cookielove Tue 14-Jul-09 21:37:08

how kind you are hecates

bottletopbill Tue 14-Jul-09 21:37:35

ignore that last post - very spiteful.

For you to post this and get it off your chest you must be at your wits ends. I really dont know what to say to you as it sounds as though your hub runs away rather than face up to facts.

To break it down:

Drink - perhaps needs to go see his doctor, sounds more depressed than an alcoholic.

Sex - I understand how everyday lie probs can reduce your sex drive, again talk through.

Sounds like you need time on your own to get to know each other again - is this possible. Would you/he try relate?

Lastly as with past history most women over men handle tackle things far better - way of life!!!

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:38:44

Well, it's true! I tried to get all the information out in one go, but it just turned into an essay that nobody wants to wade through!

Malkuth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:39:52

Message withdrawn

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:40:18

blush and I have just realised that I namechanged when I first posted this and not just now!

I am the op.

bottletopbill Tue 14-Jul-09 21:41:56

Im confused now - is this a genuine post?

giddykipper Tue 14-Jul-09 21:42:03

I must admit Hecate, I did think you were a little terse in your reply to the op!

DippyDino Tue 14-Jul-09 21:43:36

I would be tempted to print out and show this to him, to be honest...Perhaps shock him into taking action, does he really realise how unhappy you are?

piscesmoon Tue 14-Jul-09 21:46:19

If you don't want to leave him but just want him to change I think you need to go to counselling-I don't think you are going to get far without outside help. I would go ahead and arrange it and if he won't go, go on your own.You need changes-don't waste another decade if you are unhappy.

TotalChaos Tue 14-Jul-09 21:46:37

it's hard to say how likely change is though - as even if he wanted to change and knocked the alcohol etc on the head, would that definitely sort the sex side out? would he be remotely amenable to any sort of counselling?

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:46:44

Yes, it is genuine. Would someone make up such a shit existence? [boggle]. At the risk of sounding arrogant blush I would hope that my posting history would bear witness to my honesty!

I was pissed off that he went out over something so trivial and used it as an excuse to drink - ESPECIALLY since he has the money that we NEED this week and he promised me he wouldn't use it! But he doesn't care about anything once he has that 'need'. And I don't understand.

Part of me thinks it's pathetic. And I feel guilty for that.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:50:12

No. He won't go for counselling. He won't involve other people. We are supposed to just get on with everything alone. Us, the kids, everything.

Now I'm me again <rolls eyes> I might as well mention that mobile phone I found with all the womens numbers on it (I posted about it at the time). That's the only time I have seriously told him to go and he snapped at me that now I had the (h.a.) house I didn't need him any more and that I "wanted to join the single mothers club"

I don't know. I just feel - trapped? but at the same time can see this life, with him, just out of reach, that I am stretching for, iyswim.

StirlingTheStrong Tue 14-Jul-09 21:54:04

Hi Hecates
It is hard when there is no light at the end of tunnel - just something to aim for.

It must also be very hard when he wont do anything about it - wont speak to anyone or ask for help.

You must feel like you are going round and round in circles sad

StirlingTheStrong Tue 14-Jul-09 21:55:30

What about if you try counselling - just to talk it through and maybe get a different perspective on things - would that be possible?

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 21:58:21

this is my counselling - how sad is that?! I certainly could use some, but how to persuade him? I just have this, i dunno, faith? wish? desire? this idea of how my marriage could be and I don't want to give up on that. But sometimes it feels like a total fantasy.

bigchris Tue 14-Jul-09 21:59:17

am i right in thinking you recently had major surgerg, the effects of which are lifechanging? mabye he feels inadequate and is scared re the sex issue?

giddykipper Tue 14-Jul-09 21:59:30

Could you go to Relate on your own if he won't go with you?

bigchris Tue 14-Jul-09 21:59:55

kind of like your leaving him behind?

cookielove Tue 14-Jul-09 22:10:17

ok that now makes more sense, i have no advice as i have no experience in this kind of thing, but did want to say then someone was reading your post and feeling sorry/concerned e.t.c for your op

SerendipitousHarlot Tue 14-Jul-09 22:11:13

Hecates... I do feel for you, so much.

The only regret I've ever had over ending it with my exdp, was that it took me so long to do it - I have serious regrets of a 10 year period being wasted by being unhappy.

You don't sound as if you're ready to end it. You are at that stage where you are still hoping for things to change, and I'm sure it's possible for some people.

Out of interest, how much have you spoken to him about this? Is it a case of him knowing how unhappy you are, and just expecting you to carry on regardless?

sayithowitis Tue 14-Jul-09 22:14:49

I don't know what to say to help you. I do know that even after that long with no sex life, things can get better,in fact, great! But he needs to want to change. It takes both of you working on it together, being understanding on the occasions when it doesn't work and taking it slowly. I know because I've been there.

The constant tiredness and the drinking whenever there is a problem does sound like depression, but only a doctor could make the diagnosis and offer some help, whether that be medication or counselling or a mixture.

FWIW, I tend to agree with other MNers who say that where one partner witholds sex, they sort of lose the right to be in a truly monogamous marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do not advocate affairs or breaking of marriage vows, but I do know that for many, if not most of us, sex is accepted as being an integral art of a marriage (or non merried partnership) and if one person refuses to indulge, then I do believe the other person has the right to find it outside of the relationship, as long as they are honest about it. How would your DH feel if you put it to him that you would remain married but that you would find a relationship to satisfy your sexual needs if he is not prepared to do so? Would it be what is needed to shock him into action?

Sorry I can't be more help.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 22:15:22

big chris, yes, it does feel like that. I soon won't need him any more. Have I only stayed - 'put up with it', because I have no other choice?

But then I just want him to love me and for us to have a marriage, iyswim. I know it could be good.

Yes SH, he knows how I feel. He tells me to "be patient" but I think I HAVE been. Will he still be saying that in another ten years?

How many people would have stayed as long as I have?

(thanks cookie)

MavisGrind Tue 14-Jul-09 22:18:07

Hecate - you very kindly contacted me off board some time ago as I was in a similar position(at least I think it was you..I was called something else then). I read your OP thinking "I could have written this" except 2 months ago H decided he'd had enough and we've split. Although I'm really sad that it's come to this (ds2 was 7 weeks old at the time) I feel so much calmer now a decision has been reached.

I know you don't want to leave him and I'm not suggesting that you do, however when you're married to someone who is inherently selfish then it's actually quite refreshing to not have their drama's to deal with!

Would a trial separation be any use? Might give him the kick he needs and may make you see how good life could be on your own? smile

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