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I'm so unhappy :(

(15 Posts)
cluelesswheretostart Tue 14-Jul-09 12:50:27

I don't even know where to begin, I'm just not happy at all

I've been with DP for nearly 5 years and we have 2 DCs, 2.9 and 9months. For the past few months we have just starting arguing all the time. I have PND which he really doesn't understand, he doesn't believe in depression and has pretty much said that I'm making it up. I have asked him for help and support and everytime he turns it back on me saying that I need to support him as works hard for us. He also said that he hated me taking the ADs that I was on so stupidly I stopped taking them for him.

I don't really have any friends anymore, most went on to uni while I was at home with the baby and DP didn't really like them anyway. I'm only really close to 1 person now and he doesn't want DS near her 2 older boys as they playfight etc. I have started trying to make new friends and my neighbour asked me to go to an anne summers party and on the same day one of my old friends asked me to go out for a couple of drinks next week to celebrate her graduating. He got really moody about it but told me to go as he didn't want me being grumpy at home but it left me with a really bad feeling and I couldn't enjoy it as much as I hoped. I haven't answered my friend about the drinks on sat yet as I know it will make him really grumpy if I go out and i won't be able to enjoy myself again knowing he will be moody with me.

I know it all sounds petty but I just feel really worn down and isolated, I don't have a car anymore and he just seems to be putting off either fixing my old one or sorting out a new one for me. He does hardly anything around the house and when he does he gets really stroppy and starts complaining about how messy things are and that I should be keeping on top of it.

While argueing a couple of weeks ago I asked him to leave and he told me he wouldn't renew the tenency (we are due to sign contracts within the next week) which would leve me with nowhere to go and that he would fight me for full custody of the children as he believes I am mentally unstable. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don't want him here anymore but I can't go anywhere and I don't want to lose my children. My family all think he is great and that the sun shines from his arse so I doubt I will get much support from them.

Sorry, I just had to get it off my chest in the hope that it makes me feel better, unfortunately I don't

randomtask Tue 14-Jul-09 12:58:03

Write a list of what you're not happy with and how to change those things. The changes can be made by you or with the help of your DP. Then, show it to him calmly, explain this is how you feel but you want to sort it out so please would he help by supporting you with say 3 things. Maybe if he sees it won't take a lot from him, he might not put up the shutters.

Also, see if you can get your GP or someone 'official' to talk to him about PND as unless he understands it I don't think he'll support you.

Even if your family do think the sun shines out of him, they're your family and they will want to help and support you.

As for your friend, see her and just make sure the boys don't play fight. If she's a true friend, she would rather see you and stop her children play fighting than not. Or, just don't tell him (see her when he's not there) if they do play fight. TBH, if it was serious enough to concern him, he's either silly or they're dangerous anyway.

Oh and go out at the weekend. If nothing else, it'll make him realise you have a life and are allowed to do what you want whilst still being a good Mum.

Good luck!

Alambil Tue 14-Jul-09 13:02:04

he actually sounds controlling and everything you've said he's done (stopped the ADs, stopped you going out etc... or if not stopped, made you feel like you shouldn't) is relatively "classic" in the controlling behaviour stakes

do you think that's a possibility?

Depression is real - doctors know it and deal with it. Is he a doctor? is he qualified to discuss brain chemicals and the effect of an imbalance on people's behaviour and feelings? I doubt it.

You wouldn't lose the kids - depression isn't mental instability (well, not like "I'm crazy" unstable - it's a chemical imbalance most of the time)

if you get back on the ADs like you were and start dealing with the PND, it will pass... and in the mean time, tell him to fuck off. Do that for YOU, so that YOU feel yourself again. He can't tell you what to consume or not... he does NOT have that right.

cluelesswheretostart Tue 14-Jul-09 13:21:05

I'm embaressed to go back to the doctor and ask for more ADs as I was stupid enough to stop taking them blush

I just don't have any confidence anymore.

I have tried lists etc before but he always manages to find something. Unfortunately he works 6 days a week when the doctors is open and he couldn't even take any time off for the DCs eye appointment so I doubt he would find time for this

It's my cousin so we are often asked round there for family things and bbqs etc and whenever we get home he tells me how he doesn't want DS playing with them anymore as they playfight, egg him on to do things and ignore DP when he askes them to stop doing things. TBH I grew up with 3 older brothers who did the same thing to me so it doesn't bother me so much. His 2 little brothers beat the hell out of each other and swear constantly but they are fine to play there hmm

I just don't know what to think anymore

I think I will go out on Saturday, he will be moody as hell though

Alambil Tue 14-Jul-09 13:24:48

Don't be embarrassed... I am sure the doctor will have heard it all before, honestly

randomtask Tue 14-Jul-09 14:16:27

TBH, the doctor will be pleased you've asked for help-I'm sure there's nothing more positive for them to hear.

I think your DP just sounds like a spoilt child who wants things his way. If you're not happy with him, I'd go to the local CAB and find out about housing etc. Then you're more in control of the situation.

When it comes to confidence, you can't just gain it. Do small things then when you see you can do them, you'll be more confident with big things. Sounds silly but it really works. Even just cleaning a room well makes me feel more in control of my life and like I'm not a failure!!

Tanee58 Tue 14-Jul-09 14:16:50

Sorry Clueless, but I agree with LewisFan that he sounds classically controlling. What is wrong with you going out with friends? He seems to be trying to isolate you completely, and undermining your confidence to do anything for yourself. He refuses to acknowledge your illness or your needs. What exactly does he do for you that is GOOD and positive - apart from running his business?

reducedfatkettlechip Tue 14-Jul-09 15:00:46

Also agree there are an awful lot of warning signs here for controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. Definitely go back to your GP as a starting point, explain about the AD's, they really will understand and won't refuse you more. If you can get yourself on an even keel it will help you think clearly and decide what to do next.

You do sound isolated though, get out as much as you can and don't let him make you feel guilty. Can you confide in anyone in your family or a close friend as to what he's really like?

poshsinglemum Tue 14-Jul-09 15:05:14

I think that the isolation thing and the moods when you try to get a social life sound like emotional abuse. I realluy hope you can find the strength to leave- he sounds miserable. I think he's being a twat about the depression too.

cluelesswheretostart Tue 14-Jul-09 15:11:21

He is a very good Dad and the DC adore him, probably because he plays with them constantly rather than doing any cleaning or cooking. He was also my best friend, but now I realise I don't really have any friends. My family were relieved when we got together and I moved in with him, my Dad lives in a 4 bedroom house with his girlfriend and doesn't even have a spare bed in the house even though they have 8 GCs between them, he hasn't babysat for me for 18m. I'm pretty much completely on my own

I've just looked up the details for CAB, I'm going to try and get there in the morning and see what they say. Do I need to take anything with me? All I have to my name is debt, all the CTC and CB is in his name.

I'm going to try and make a GP appt for next week when hopefully I will know a bit better whats going on. I need to take DD anyway.

cluelesswheretostart Tue 14-Jul-09 15:14:21

I got back in touch with my old best friend and told her about it, she said that I changed a lot when I got together with him. I haven't heard from her again apart from a happy birthday text, she has alot going on in her life. There isn't really anyone else.

Helen31 Tue 14-Jul-09 15:20:51

Nothing really to add clueless, just wanted to send you some virtual moral support in following through on your action plan.

Quite a small thing in the scheme of things, but I am a bit surprised the Child Benefit is in his name - are you a stay at home mum? If so, you really should get it in your name to help build up your state pension entitlement. But the CAB will be able to give you good advice on this.

Best of luck, I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. Come back and tell us how you get on. (I gather it's un-mumsnetty to send virtual hugs, so here's just a little one for you)

Helen31 Tue 14-Jul-09 15:23:28

Just engaged brain enough to remember that Health Visitors are usually a good source of info on local mum and baby/toddler groups. Could you take your littlest one for a weigh in and ask them for some pointers? Plus they are there to help you with PND if you feel strong enough to ask them about it.

cluelesswheretostart Tue 14-Jul-09 15:31:19

The GP did put the HV in touch when I went on the ADs before. She passed on my details to the local childrens centre but they don't really have any groups for toddlers and babys together! She did tell me about a creche at another childrens centre but thats not worth it until I have got a car again

I don't really know why the CB is in his name, never really thought about it, it is paid into my account. What does it do for state pension entitlement?

Helen31 Tue 14-Jul-09 16:15:28

It relates to Home Responsibilities Protection - explained on page 17 onwards of this leaflet.

http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/forms/ch2notes.pdf

Sorry to be brief - DS is wriggling and dribbling everywhere! Will come back when he's sleeping in case this booklet doesn't tell you what you need to know.

H

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