Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've bitten my lip for too long - please, I need your opinion asap...(Sorry v.long)

(88 Posts)
brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:03:48

Some of you know me in RL on here, so I hope what I'm going to say isn't going to shock you....
DH and I have been married for 11 years, together 14.
Last year I moved from the UK to Australia because DH wanted a change in life. His career had been flagging in the UK for some time and he applied for a talent visa (which he got and I was very proud of him), giving us permanent residency in Australia.
I left my incredibly close,loving family, friends and a great life in Brighton to move to Sydney. Don't get me wrong, this is an amazing place, but only if you are in a very solid relationship. As soon as you lose that support network of family anf friends that you once relied upon, you need to find that in your partner. This is where the problem lies...
He is starting from scratch - leaving us with very little money, eating into every form of savings we both have and we live in possibly one of the most expensive cities in the world.I flew over on my own with DD (the aged 10 1/2 months) not knowing what to expect-stupid and naive of me but I had only just started to recover from PND. Since then I have worked my guts out making friends, finding groups for DD to go to, scraping just about enough of my own savings to pay for childcare soa that I can get my career going again, and finally getting a great contract with a publisher. But all the way through I've been criticised. We've had to move 3 times in just over a year and now that the finances are looking bleak, it looks like we may be on the move again.
Also DH shows very little interest in me. we've only had sex twice in 2 i/2 years. I have an amazing DD but I need the attention of a husband - both physically and emotionally. I can't stay here just so that she has a mum and dad. I feel so lonely at night - thats the worst time.
I am flying back in 2 weeks to see family and friends and part of me is questioning whether I should be on that return flight as I've had enough. I really need some advice.

rookiemater Mon 13-Jul-09 16:09:05

Poor you it sounds incredibly lonely.

Have you discussed your unhappiness with your DH, have you been for counselling together. I would suggest that you do need to sit down and discuss these issues with him, along with the cash thing - why are your savings being used for the child care. Your DH sounds like he is acting like a single man not a married father but I believe that you do need to give him the opportunity to change.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Mon 13-Jul-09 16:11:27

How was your relationship before you moved. My ex always wanted us to emigrate but I knew I never could while I was in that relationship for the very reasons you cited.
I knew our relationship was nowhere near strong enough for me to give up my friends and family and go to the other side of the world.

I suppose what i'm saying is that your relationship will be under a lot of stress with the move and the setting up again from scratch and there may be a way through it for you. It's not quite the same I moved a couple of hundred miles away from y family and friends recently and it has put a bit of strain on everything for those reasons.
If your relationship was the same before you moved and you felt even before you moved that your dh offered no emotional or useful support maybe it is time to think about whether staying in oz is the life for you.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 13-Jul-09 16:11:43

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do and it seems you are hoping someone will say, don't go back. I don't think anyone should as that is such a huge thing.

If you wrote down all the problems you feel you have with being in this relationship, and you and he were able to work them out, would you?

GetOrfMoiLand Mon 13-Jul-09 16:13:41

Oh dear. What a rotten situation to be in.

I know (some) of what you are feeling, I moved from my home town to DP's home town for work reasons - it was only 150 miles (not thousands like you) but I still don't have any close friends where I live. And I can't spend my whole life beetling back down to Devon every weekend, so I am also resigned to not having close friends.

It is so hard to meet people and make new friends when you are an adult, I never knew how hard. My dd is 13 (we moved 3 years ago) and I work full time 50 miles from home - I can't socialise with work because it is too far away, and I never have met any of the mums at the school gate.

Yet I think that all this would be easier to deal with if DP and I were rock solid, however we are not. He has a cracking social life, and sometimes lives the life of a single man. Of course it is not his fault that I have few people to socialise with, but soemtimes I do resent him.

I am sorry - no advice there, i am using your thread to moan about my own life. But I sympathise, I do know how achingly lonely you can get. And to be honest I am tempted myself to bugger off back home as well.

No advice I can give would help - I have tried until I am blue in the face to tell DP how isloated I feel, to no avail.

Lulumama Mon 13-Jul-09 16:16:35

no money, being isolated, no intimacy , no freedom and no end in sight

sounds awful

do you think if you were in the UK and had the support of your family and friends you'd be ok..

i think every problem is magnified by lack of support and the feeling of loneliness

i can understand why you would contemplate staying in the uk, as you are so lonely with DH in australia

is there an end in sight in terms of his career taking off? no good having made the move and you have the same problems as in the uK but compounded with no friends etc

midnightexpress Mon 13-Jul-09 16:17:42

Poor you. We live a long way (in Uk terms) from our friends and family and I know how hard that is, though nothing like being on the other side of the world.

I don't have much advice, but I do think you need to talk seriously to your DH about this - 2 weeks is not very long to leave yourself to work through a major decision like this (I'm assuming htat you will have your DD with you?).

I also think perhaps you need to try to separate the two issues - being in Oz and your relationship with your DH. Will moving back to the UK in itself be the solution (for example if your DH agreed to come back to the UK with you, would that sort things out? Or do you actually want to come back without him? If things were better with him, would you want to stay in Oz and make a go of it?

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:18:36

Our relationship was in tatters before we left. DH kept telling me that it was my decision to have DD and that he wasn't really a family man which is hilarious now as he and DD are the best of friends. He's told me there is no way he wants another child which hurts me even more as I would love to give DD a brother or sister.
It just feels like I've given up everything for him - now even another child.
yes I agree he's acting like a single man. He's 9 years older than me and I think considering the job he does, his ego gets in the way a lot.
The cash thing is a real bone of contention. he doesn't see my money as "earn" money as my grandma left me it. I've bought eveything that DD has with it - from day one - and its almost gone.
Jesus this really sucks

thehairybabysmum Mon 13-Jul-09 16:19:58

Dont know what to advise, but you seem to have answered your own question to me. Personally in your boots i think mine would be a one way ticket back to the UK.

Lulumama Mon 13-Jul-09 16:20:10

jesus wept

i'd be booking a one way ticket on the basis of that last post

midnightexpress Mon 13-Jul-09 16:22:25

Erm, also, I think you should look into the legal situation. Assuming you'd be bringing DD back with you, is it legal to just take her to the other side of the world away from your husband?

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:23:33

I think if I stayed in the Uk that would be it.
I'm not having a good enough time here to try for much longer. I suppose I do resent him for dragging me over here and then putting us through even more crap.
Thing is a few good things have happened whilst I've been here - my confidence is at an all time high because I've had to do everything for myself. OK, physically I feel crap because of the lack of intimacy but I used to be such a mouse - afraid of anything new. I've built up a great network of friends for both DD and me too. Its still not enough though...

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:24:43

Lulu - I know - writing that I realise what a prick he is. Oh god, why did I agree to come out here?

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:26:20

Midnight - I don't know about the legal side of things. I've mentioned the fact that if I feel happier back in the Uk that I may want to move back but we haven't discussed this any further.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 13-Jul-09 16:27:18

Would a rocket up his arse make him realise what he might lose? If you told him you are seriously thinking about not coming back or will he get nasty over your child?

tennisaddict Mon 13-Jul-09 16:28:02

what about kicking the selfish tosser into touch, and staying in Australia for a while at least

see how you get on without him

its another option, could you afford to do that before he forces you into spending the last of your money?

he would of course have to support your dd

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 13-Jul-09 16:30:25

But if he hasn't wanted to up to know what makes you think he will now?

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:31:11

He's not a "nasty" person - infact very passive, which is why I don't think he'll ever really understand what I'm going through and it may explain why he's not interetsed in sex.
He smokes dope every night - he says its his glass of wine. There's me - not buying any new clothes because I'm worried that once my money goes, I'm stranded on the other side of the world with NOTHING. And he sits in te garden smoking a joint....
I'm so angry.....

Lulumama Mon 13-Jul-09 16:35:11


see a lawyer

might be worth stayin in oz, if you have built up friendships etc and so he can see DD<, but a man who has enough money to smoke dope every night but won;t buy stuff for his child is not worth wasting anotehr second on

it is not the same as a glass of wine.

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:38:10

I know Lulu. I have given up everything for him and have pleaded with him to stop smoking - mostly so that DD can grown up with a dad who hasn't turned his brain into mashed potato.
Thing is, I'm scared of starting again. I'm 37 ffs. People say I'm attractive. I just want to be loved.

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:41:14

Writing his has confused me even more.
I keep thinking - "maybe he'll suddenly start earning more"
or "maybe he'll change his mind about a second child"
But why should I have to live like that?
I just want a simple easy life... nothing glam, nothing excessive...

Hassled Mon 13-Jul-09 16:41:59

I'm with lulumama - this really isn't good. You don't have to rush into any decision-making, though - the trip to the UK seems well-timed. A reminder of what "home" is actually like, and discovering whether or not you miss your DH (I'm assuming he's not on the trip) will help focus your mind.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 13-Jul-09 16:43:34

if you could walk away with him or your DD not being hut

would you?

FenellaFudge Mon 13-Jul-09 16:46:27

BG - I'm so sorry, this all sounds awful for you.

If you feel your life would be better, happier, more secure back in the UK then I hope you that's what you choose.

The life you're living would be challenging enough if you were at 'home', to be dealing with all this so far away from the support of your family and friends must be so hard.

Please dont feel 37 is too late to start again - it's absolutely not.

brightongirldownunder Mon 13-Jul-09 16:48:13

He's not coming with us thank god.
I don't want my aussie friends thinking its them or their country I'm not enjoying. I worry that it looks that way.
It doesn't help that every friend I've made in Aus (bar one on here - you know who you are, drinking buddie) had just had a baby or is pregnant. He sees my distress but refuses to even discuss the fact that I would really like one more child.
I'm scared that if I go out with friends back in the UK and was to meet someone, that I might feel tempted tp have an affair. I don't think any marriage can really last without sex can it?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: